Slither of truth

After a lull discernible to trained eyes, the battle to decide which side is the worst in Oz politics is back under way with gusto.

After a lull discernible to trained eyes, the battle to decide which side is worse in Australian politics is back under way with gusto. Not least at Scott Morrison’s zestily truculent press conference yesterday.

Journo: “Prime Minister, how can you have it both ways? If you say a boat arrives, it will be Labor’s fault, but if it doesn’t arrive, it’s thanks to the government?”

ScoMo: “Because that’s true.”

Journo: “Are you in control of the borders or not?”

ScoMo: “Of course I am, but what I’m saying is that the Labor Party has weakened our border protection.”

What it all needed was a bit of decent imagery, and the PM provided that after he reflected on how the hurdles in place for people-smugglers are high at the moment. However: “The bar they’ll have to clear if Bill Shorten is PM is lower than a snake’s belly.” How low is that? There is of course a large number of arboreal snake species, and Asia is home to five species of flying snake, but we suspect this is not what ScoMo had in mind.

Back in the groove

Taking a break from sorting basic but necessary amenities in his electorate, Tony Abbott looked like he was back in his happy place as he fired off in the electronic graffiti badlands of Twitter: “People smugglers and their customers are the only winners … Under Labor, it’s get on a boat, get to Nauru, get sick and get to Australia.” As impressive as this was — not least how deftly it sailed straight over the law being meant for those already on Nauru or Manus — what was even better was the dead bat ScoMo applied when this was drawn to his attention during his presser: “People-smugglers don’t deal with the nuance of the Canberra bubble.” Almost T-shirt-worthy.

Do the low ScoMotion

For a while, it seemed no one was going to come closer to blowing a head gasket — or poofle valve, if you prefer to sound like Craig Emerson — than shadow attorney-general Mark Dreyfus. Behold: “The way Scott Morrison has behaved over the past 24 hours or so is beyond belief. He is happy to endorse lies, he has encouraged people-smugglers to restart their evil trade, and bullied journalists when they try to pull him up on it. Not fit to be PM of this country.” Then Brendan O’Connor stepped up: “The Prime Minister today — in the most outrageous, dishonest press conference I have seen from a prime minister in my 18 years in this place — has actually done the opposite: sending a message, he is advertising like the ad man he is, to people-smugglers, that business is open. That is an outrageous act, that is a treacherous act …” And so on.

For a change of tone, we must turn to Labor’s actual spokesman for immigration and border protection. Shayne Neumann put out a press release in which two paragraphs were carefully done in bold type, drawing the eyes away from the rest of the detail. “Labor’s message is clear — if you try and make it to Australia by boat, you will be turned around and you will never settle in Australia,” goes one of the paragraphs, sounding like the true spirit of the party that gave us mandatory detention. The other: “There is no difference between Labor and Liberal when it comes to our border protection regime.”

The lion sleeps tonight

Meanwhile, on their weekly Two Tribes slot on FIVEaa, Anthony Albanese and Christopher Pyne had an even sparkier than usual outing. Here is but a small sample.

Pyne: “Labor wanted to make a political point …”

Albo: “That’s complete nonsense.”

Pyne: “So Anthony Albanese knows more about security than the security agencies who advised us that we would have to reopen Christmas Island, and that will be under way relatively soon.”

Albo: “You’ve been humiliated, Christopher. As leader of the house, you’ve lost control …”

Pyne: “Don’t try to change the subject …”

Albo: “ … for the first time since the 1920s.”

And yet, despite their shared interest in the matter, not a single mention of Aslan or Narnia. On one level we applaud their restraint, and yet we grieve a little.

Four sprogs good

Stopping just shy of dimming the lights and putting on Barry White, Peter Costello once did his bit to get the nation fecund: “I encourage people who can, if you have the opportunity, if you’re young enough, to have one for mum, one for dad and one for the country.” Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban evidently sees three as lacking in ambition, and has told Magyar women that if they have four babies they will never again be required to pay income tax. If Mum were still alive, we suspect she would have (quite forcefully) asked to have this applied retrospectively and moved back to Hungary pronto.

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