Scott Morrison, PM of hearts

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Scott Morrison tried to steer the nation towards the power of prayer

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Prime Minister Scott Morrison tried to steer the nation towards the power of prayer yesterday. Surely at this stage of the game it’s worth a shot. Then he turned us towards that other higher power. “I love Australia. Who loves Australia? Everyone. We all love Australia. Of course we do.” Just when it started to feel like a jollier version of Joseph McCarthy, he changed gear: “But do we love all Australians? That’s a different question, isn’t it? Do we love all Australians? We’ve got to.” (Please take note, Peter Dutton and Roman Quaedvlieg.) “Whether they’ve become an Australian by birth 10 generations ago … or if you came last week. If you’ve chosen to be here in this country, that’s even more special, in some ways, isn’t it?” Just when it seemed like a shout-out to any stray au pairs, he added, “Mathias knows that.” So that’s Cormann safely back in the bosom. (Meanwhile, as Dutton and Quaedvlieg escalate their biff over au pairs, the latter took aim in a pointedly topical way at that anonymous, inner-circle anti-Trump op-ed piece in The New York Times: “I accept timidity precludes many putting their name publicly to a view; however, anonymity is a shield of cowardice where the author purports to be a senior official in an administration he/she attacks through a mainstream media outlet. Put your name to it.”)

Clive and self interest

The missive arrived with the logo of the United Australia Party and the headline “Self-interested politicians embarrass the nation”. Our first thought was that Clive Palmer was indulging in a little unexpected self-reflection. Some of the sentences beneath the headline did not disabuse us: “This is a group of so-called politicians”, “People are sick and tired of this childish, self-interested behaviour”, and “they brought embarrassment to our country”. Well, the joke was on us because it turned out Palmer was talking about the big parties, a plague for which the obvious cure is Palmer and the UAP. Having clearly put behind him the revolving door that was the Palmer United Party, Palmer declared, “We stand for unity.”

The eggs files

Yesterday we mentioned the Dutchman who got into strife after stuffing his lower end with eggs. We also tweeted about it. Displaying his restlessly roving curiosity, news.com.au national political editor Malcolm Farr inquired: “What is the top eggs-in-bottom achievement in the Guinness Book of Records?” Now some people liken Twitter to a sewer, and not in a good way, but that rather overlooks the fact that it opens the possibility of a global conversation about eggs up bums. And so it came to pass that Guinness World Records editor-in-chief Craig Glenday joined in the chat: “We don’t monitor eggs at that end of the body, but at the other end — boiled (peeled and eaten): six in 1 Min; raw (cracked & eaten): seven in 30 sec; creme eggs: 6 in 1 Min; devilled: no record (now’s your chance if you like mustard/mayo fillings!)”

Sex in the house

Our benchmark for typos is still the time a rogue spellcheck during the production of this august organ managed to render “senator Brandis” as “senator Barmaids”. The memory still glows in our heart. Nevertheless, we salute yesterday’s The Age for a pullout quote supposedly from “Senator Sex Patrick, Centre Alliance”. We’ll think of it as the upper house effect.

A rabble a day

As senator Doug Cameron’s retirement looms, one of the big questions is: who will become the custodian of his beloved word “rabble”? The chief candidate is Anthony Albanese, who even without the benefit of Cameron’s rolling Scots “r” seems to believe a rabble a day will keep the Tories away. In April he declared the government “a rabble without a cause”. In June it was “the chaotic rabble that we oppose”. Last month brought both onslaught and variety: “This is not a government. This is a rabble”; “the rabble that is the Liberal Party”; “the government is a rabble“; “a rabble of a government”; “the Liberal Party has become a rabble“; a rabble of a government”; “ this rabble”. The next rabble landed clothed in this sentence: “If you’ve been paying any attention at all in the last fortnight you’ll see two sides of politics: One side that’s a rabble; that’s engaged in chaos and infighting and another side that’s united; that has people that are doing their job.” Then a rabble eruption, during which it was prioritised: “The first thing to be said is that this isn’t a government it’s just a rabble.” Yet even Albo must rest, so on Wednesday his colleague Jim Chalmers was on duty and delivered “a divided and dysfunctional rabble”. Then yesterday, Cameron spoke and not one “rabble” passed his lips. It’s like the torch has been passed.

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