PM of many layers

Our musing about an Abbott’s booby wandering into Scott Morrison’s Christmas Island press conference ended abruptly.

Artist’s impression of a prime ministerial metaphor.

During Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s Christmas Island press conference yesterday, our musing about the chances of an Abbott’s booby* wandering into shot came to an abrupt end when ScoMo threw the switch to metaphorical. “Every time that people-smugglers see me they see a brick wall. Any time they see Bill Shorten they see an open door … When people-smugglers see me, they see a brick wall.” And thus, with this on-mortar matter declared, the Brick Wall with Eyes was born. Not since Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel belted out “I am a rock, I am an island” has someone billed himself with such solidity. And it was all serious business. Not even the presence of a Border Force uniform — a vision of black and gold that looks like something out of a fever dream about a military junta run by Sacha Baron Cohen — could derail the vibe. Every time the topic of Shorten came up, which was often, he transformed into the Brick Wall With Ire. “I noticed that the Leader of the Opposition, Bill Shorten, is talking a lot about wages. I will tell you this, the only wages that will go up under Bill Shorten’s prime ministership are the wages of the people-smugglers.” Labor’s Ed Husic suggested the PM could have got even more attention with a couple of star jumps and a lit flare in each hand, but that wouldn’t fit with the PM’s hard Bricks-it strategy. (*Local seabird.)

Bonus Mal content

While not quite pining — or Pyne-ing — for Aslan, there’s a corner of the internet that is forever Malcolm Turnbull. Funnily enough, this is on Shorten’s website: “I am proud to lead a Labor Party that has developed more properly thought out, fully costed policies in opposition than Mr Turnbull has done in government. Please check back regularly.” Easier said than done, it seems.

Hey big Spencer

You can go for years without a mention of the beret-wearing character in Some Mothers Do ’Ave ’Em, then suddenly he’s everywhere. A couple of weeks back in a Sketch we assessed a question time performance by Attorney-General Christian Porter: “Physically (it) combined touches of Frank Spencer, and that time Peter Costello aped Peter Garrett’s dance style, which itself always looked like it was modelled on a man being electrocuted underwater.” There was another dose of it on ABC Radio Adelaide yesterday, one that possibly tested Pyne’s assertion that “when you’re retiring everybody wants to be nice”. To the action:

Ali Clarke: “Cory Bernardi, will you miss Mr Christopher Pyne?”

Bernardi: “The short answer is: not particularly. I am no longer part of the Liberal Party, so we don’t cross swords in that. He’s a combination of Frank Spencer and Frank Underwood, isn’t he? And that hasn’t worked well for politics, I don’t think. But others will have a different view.”

David Bevan: “Penny Wong, will you miss him?”

Wong: (laughing) “I’m just trying to deal with the image of Frank Spencer and Frank Underwood.

Clarke: “House of Cards for anyone playing at home.”

Wong: “It’s kind of scary that we are all old enough to know who Frank Spencer is. Half the audience probably won’t.”

Bernardi: “He wouldn’t get to air today, I don’t think.”

For what it’s worth, Michael Crawford, who played Spencer, went on to become the Phantom of the Opera. As for Underwood, we suspect ABC types would prefer Francis Urquhart from the first and finest House of Cards.

Pooch screw-up

Following yesterday’s photo of a dog helping Tony Abbott campaign on a median strip, the dog’s “confidant and legal adviser” Peter Wargent has been in touch: “That a journalist from The Australian, of all papers, should mistake an Australian icon such as a kelpie for a labrador is a downright bloody insult. That he is only 95 per cent kelpie and, as a rescue dog, 5 per cent cattle/dingo who the hell would know, is no excuse for your appalling discrimination and slur. His name is Sam and I strongly advise he receives from you an unqualified apology …” In our flimsy defence, we will mention that Abbott’s hand obscured Sam’s face and muzzle. Nevertheless, we shall don the cone of shame and howl.

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