Original ingredients

The lot of the political transcriber seems like it should be a straightforward one. But it’s not always the case.

The lot of the political transcriber seems like it should be a straightforward one: listen to words said by pollies and the journalists quizzing them, bung them into a document in the same order in which they were said, hit send. It’s a solid recipe and generally speaking there’s not much reason to tamper with it. Take, for example, Bill Shorten’s contribution to political rhetoric the other day: “Now if you excuse me I’ve got a bus to catch on my Jobs Not Cuts tour.” That is a jewel in need of no further adornment. (That and all the other lines with which the Opposition Leader is reminding the nation he’s officially Touring Queensland in a Bus and Staying on a Bus and Not Cheating by Jumping on a Plane Like Scott Morrison Did. It’s a point he is hammering home so thoroughly, even the unborn will be aware of it.) And it’s a safe bet Labor frontbencher Tony Burke’s office saw no reason to gild the lily when the boss went on Radio National Breakfast with Cathy Van Extel the other day.

Van Extel: “Tony Burke, thank you for joining us today.”

Burke: “Great to be with you.”

Van Extel: “Tony Burke is the shadow environment minister and we invited the Environment Minister, Melissa Price, on to the program but we did not receive a response.”

Add fat finger

But then are the times when the words, however heartfelt, could do with a touch of light enhancement via the odd strategic (but undoubtedly accidental) typo. Take the weekend’s joint press conference with Jobs, Industrial Relations and Women Minister Kelly O’Dwyer and Scott Morrison. With ScoMo standing beside her looking like he was focusing hard on memories of happier times, O’Dwyer announced her resignation and embarked on what felt so much like a valedictory speech it was almost enough to arouse in one a niggling suspicion ScoMo will be calling an election quick sticks and parliament won’t be resuming. But even with so much going on, a little typo still had an oddly lifting effect. Exhibit A, O’Dwyer on ScoMo: “He is someone who I am absolutely confident will lead out (sic) Government …” And even better for the very same minister who recently suggested her party may have a bit of a problem with the female of the species, Exhibit B: “And I have no doubt that (the new Liberal candidate for Higgins) will be a women (sic).”

Omission trading

But our favourite remains the press conference dogged by audio problems. In which spirit we present yesterday’s seaside presser with Bill Shorten. As with Swiss cheese, it’s the holes that make it. First up …

Shorten: “Happy to take any questions people might have.”

Journo: (Inaudible)

Shorten: “Well, first of all you’re quite right …”

And this.

Journo: (inaudible)

Shorten: “Not at all. But if you want to talk about swimming, there’s few places I can think better in Australia than coming to the Sunshine Coast.”

Furthermore …

Shorten: “I think the biggest barrier to women going into politics is the culture of the party that they’ve joined.”

Journo: (Inaudible)

Shorten: “Well I just don’t want to talk about politicians.”

On it went.

Shorten: “I congratulate Barnaby and his family. That’s entirely a personal matter for them. I congratulate them. Whenever a child is to be born, it’s good news.”

Journo: (Inaudible)

Shorten: “Listen, I wish them well.”

But greatest of all was this moment when all manner of disparate elements came together at just the right moment to create a sublime whole.

Journo: (Inaudible)

(Helicopter flies over)

Shorten: “I heard the propeller, not much of what you said, sorry.”

Journo: (Inaudible)

Shorten: “Well this is my sixth January as Opposition Leader.”

Sans swine

Someone whose words with Shorten were perfectly clear to the transcribers was Sunday Sunrise co-host Edwina Bartholomew. She was kept up to date with the Bill-on-a-bus schedule (“So I’ve had a day off the bus and I’ll go back on the bus on Monday”). In return she reminded everyone who has yet to acquire a taste for the euphemism “pork barrel” that there is an easy-to-use, swine-free alternative: “The Prime Minister is also in Queensland at the moment. It seems like Queenslanders will be the big beneficiaries of election campaign cash-splash.”

From little things

With Kelly O’Dwyer having pulled the pin, rumours afoot about Julie Bishop pondering the same and excitement about Peta Credlin doing the reverse, let’s wrap up with a timely piece of wisdom from Deputy PM Michael McCormack in Farm Weekly yesterday: “When you get the little things right, the big things look after themselves.”