On Kev's head

THERE'S not much in the way of light relief when it comes to the devastation in the Sunshine State, so we're grateful to Catch the Fire Ministries' pastor Danny Nalliah.

THERE'S not much in the way of light relief when it comes to the devastation in the Sunshine State, so we're grateful to Catch the Fire Ministries' pastor Danny Nalliah.

The man who signs off as "Your bro in Christ" poses the question: "Are the Queensland floods the result of Kevin Rudd speaking against Israel?" While it's a relief the blame hasn't been pinned on Peter Garrett, this is somewhat outweighed by the knowledge that Rudd irks the Almighty. Writes Nalliah, "I was reminded that every time America went against Israel, there was disaster in the land . . . Then at once I was reminded of Kevin Rudd speaking against Israel in Israel on December 14, 2010. It is very interesting that Kevin Rudd is from Queensland. Is God trying to get our attention? Yes, I believe so." Not that our bro expects us to take his word for it: "Also the Lord said to us, 'I will humble Australia and bring her down on her knees. As she has taken pride in my blessing, and man has taken the glory and not given it to Me.' " As exciting as it is to know we're on God's to-do list and He's returning to his exciting Old Testament ways, it's possible Nalliah was actually hearing the voice of one of the English cricket selectors. Understandably, Rudd was a tad preoccupied with the floods to respond. On a more soothing note, Sri Lanka is sending tea.

Not all yobs, sir

SPEAKING of cricket, we're not entirely sure the new British high commissioner, Paul Madden, has got off to the finest start by emphasising how his first engagement here was to watch our derrieres getting whipped in the Ashes: "I'm delighted to see England winning in Australia after so many years. Team members told me they received a great welcome from their Australian hosts. I admire this country's commitment to sporting values, and am impressed by how gracious all the Australians I have spoken with have been about the result."

Lost in translation

2UE broadcaster Michael Smith has been taking a keen interest in the AWB-like cloud of bribery surrounding telecommunications giant Alcatel-Lucent, which is advising NBN Co, which is in turn run by two former Alcatel employees. (NBN chief executive Mike Quigley and chief financial officer Jean-Pascal Beaufret have said they weren't aware of fraudulent activity when they worked at Alcatel.) It's an interest that's been sharpened since the French Tribune ran a piece that, when translated into English via the magic of the internet, takes on an almost poetic sheen. For example, "Julia Gillard, Prime Minister has forsaken adversary leader Tony Abbott's inquiring of the probing of the regional broadband network. Ms Gillard blamed Mr Abbott of bringing out a foul conflict consequent the confrontation captain discussed the authority had critical doubts to counter-reply about the Alcatel-Lucent bribe aspersion and the appointment of two of the business's bygone officers to budge the NBN rollout." The real treasure, though, is saved for the end: "Mr Abbott here and now babbled inquiry accredits now hang above the NBN's company. Ms Gillard voiced Mr Abbott and confrontation assertions representative Malcolm Turnbull were abrading the aftermost of the barrel in their actions to admonish the NBN."

Kitchen link

THE kitchen cabinet may have ended alongside Kevin Rudd's prime ministerial career, but until the fun police arrived yesterday morning, it lived on cheekily in a small corner of his new stamping ground, the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade. Thanks to some sharp eyes in Liberal senator Russell Trood's office, its last vestige was uncovered in a link on the DFAT website. All you had to do was scroll down to regional organisations and click on the link "Asia-Pacific: a community for the 21st century" and presto, you were delivered to a kitchen cabinet design website. The link has since been removed, which is a pity as some of the information worked at a metaphorical level. To wit, "So you've decided that new kitchen cabinets are in order. Now the question remains: Do you go the slow and more expensive route with custom cabinets or opt for the quicker and less costly alternative with prefabricated cabinets?"

And so say all of us

ALONG with anti-matter and Daryl Somers, one of the great enigmas of our universe is how our postal system functions. Yesterday, as we were reading a press release from senator Barnaby Joyce ("To say that the floods are awesome is to endow it with a grace that it does not deserve"), a Christmas card from him lobbed on our desk close to a month after it was posted. It contained Joyce's Christmas wishlist, as requested by Strewth, and its unexpected wistfulness and poignancy make it still worth serving: "Inland rail to a big new city inspired by zonal taxation and supplied by water delivered from a new dam in a high rainfall catchment area; a nice new little jet to fly me straight from home so I spend more time with my family; a week in a cabin in the hills with a half dozen bottles of decent red, pasta, mince and sauces for cooking boozy lunches, no mobile coverage, a decent book, good, long walks to interesting places; a little pill that gives back the six years away from the family."