Not worth wait

IF there's one thing more valuable right now than a Commonwealth Bank-enhanced mortgage repayment, it's a word (or two) from bank chief Ralph Norris.

IF there's one thing more valuable right now than a Commonwealth Bank-enhanced mortgage repayment, it's a word (or two) from bank chief Ralph Norris.

How we'd love to hear from the man who has single-handedly succeeded in making us all look on Joe Hockey with fresh and adoring eyes. So imagine our elation when a few words did emerge from the deafening silence. Alas, the elation was tempered somewhat by the fact they had nothing to do with the rates adventure, but addressed instead the announcement of the South Australian finalists for Australian of the Year. (The bank is a sponsor, you see, so next time you whine about having to live on nothing but tinned beans, be grateful your money is being spent in a worthy fashion.) Take it away, Ralph: "On behalf of the Commonwealth Bank, I would like to congratulate all SA's Australian of the Year Awards finalists. Your contribution to the Australian community is an inspiration to us all."

Pirate sponsors

STILL on the Ralph Norris-SA connection, former federal member for Adelaide Michael Pratt was at the Sydney Opera House on Wednesday night to watch his son James singing in The Pirates of Penzance. Amusingly, the surtitles revealed Pirates was sponsored by, you guessed it, the Commonwealth Bank. As Pratt informs us: "In true proms rate-rise tradition, I led the hissing." Just remember to enjoy bank-bashing in moderation and always drink plenty of water; all that frothing at the mouth can dehydrate a chap (or chapette).

Doing the Quenrock

WE all know Governor-General Quentin Bryce rocks, but just how hard was something we had no inkling of until one of our senior agents in the field received an invitation to dinner at her Sydney pad. The invitation, printed on posh card and embossed with a golden crown and what may either be a sprig of wattle or Patterson's curse, is to a dinner for media representatives at Admiralty House, Kirribilli, next month. (Why is the GG so keen to get all the journos together in one handy location? Discuss.) Excitingly, the invitation also declares dinner will start at 7.30pm and go until 9.30am. A 14-hour knees-up? Our agent was terribly excited, not least because he became possessed by the certainty that prime ministerial significant other Tim Mathieson would wander over from Kirribilli House some time during the wee hours and join the festivities. Alas, the correction arrived, printed on equally posh card. Dinner goes until 9.30pm only. Our agent is nursing his emotional wounds.

Hairy matters

HAUNTED as we've been by the knowledge that Lycra-loving SA Premier Mike Rann is adding a Movember moustache to his aesthetic armoury, we're grateful to SA Transport Minister Pat Conlon for putting our mind at ease with a bit of perspective. "We have a message from the Premier on the moustache," Conlon has informed 891 ABC's Matt Abraham and David Bevan. "He tells me not to worry, it couldn't possibly be worse than his Lycra. Personally, I think he looks better than me in Lycra." Clearly something of a Little Britain fan, Conlon explained how he'd been informed that when togged up in his shrink-wrapped cycling gear, he looks like "the only gay in the village".

Iron bars optional

SOMEONE not likely to be seen in Lycra is Wilson "Iron Bar" Tuckey. The sadly ousted member for O'Connor is dressed in a sober and responsible fashion in every one of the 11 photos adorning invitations to his testimonial dinner, even in the central portrait in which he's cheerfully wielding what appears to be an iron bar, Tuckey's great contribution to the reconciliation process. It's bound to be a cracker of a night and, as an added bonus for your $150, you also score Tony Abbott as guest speaker. And even if you can't make it, you do have the option of sending a donation.

Spirit of 61

THE testosterone was flowing yesterday onboard P&0's Oriana in Sydney's Circular Quay . The cruise ship was sporting a giant moustache (which lent it more than a passing resemblance to a pack of Pringles) to support Movember men's health month, and was hosting a reunion of the 1961 Australian Ashes team, the last cricket squad to travel by cruise ship to England. Then captain Richie Benaud reminded MC Mark Taylor and a bunch of old players, including Neil Harvey, Alan Davidson, Bob Simpson, Barry Jarman, Colin McDonald, Lindsay Kline and Max Walker, that hirsute cricketers have always scored, on and off the field. Benaud confessed that as the boat was about to leave Fremantle for England, the mother of the youngest player pulled him aside and ordered him to look after her boy. Benaud said he looked across and saw the 19-year-old Adonis that was Graham McKenzie surrounded by "16 nubiles". "I said I don't think that will be a problem, Mrs McKenzie." And McKenzie scored, too: when he debuted in the second Test at Lord's, he took five wickets. (Isn't it nice to have a sports item in which no animals are harmed?)