Motor mouths

A NICE bit of lateral thinking yesterday came from Canberra ABC radio's Genevieve Jacobs.

A NICE bit of lateral thinking yesterday came from Canberra ABC radio's Genevieve Jacobs who went to the Antique Classic Motor Club and asked members if they thought Kevin Rudd was worth restoring.

Jacobs: Why do you think the government so insistent on telling us that Tony Abbott could be prime minister?

Motor club member 1: I think it's a scare tactic. They want people to think, oh dear, couldn't wear him. So if we threaten them with him they might swing back to us.

Motor club member 2: It's an old hackneyed saying, it doesn't matter who you vote for, a politician gets in.

Jacobs: Should Kevin Rudd start thinking about handing the reins over to Julia Gillard?

Motor club member 1: I don't think so.

Motor club member 2: I don't think we're ready for a female prime minister.

Jacobs: If Tony Abbott and Kevin Rudd were classic cars what cars would they be?

Motor club member 2: I think Abbott would probably be a Morris Minor man and Kevin might be something a bit more upmarket, I don't know, a Holden Calais or something.

Unsightly smugglers

WHAT has Abbott started? According to British journalist Margarette Driscoll, Speedos are making a comeback. "The snug-fitting wisps of polyamide and elastane, which have prompted many a snigger (the nicknames budgie-smugglers and banana hammocks give you a good idea why) are undergoing a staggering rise in popularity," Driscoll writes in The Sunday Times. Sales are up by an average of 44 per cent worldwide. "In [Britain] the land of beer guts, lobster sunburns and socks and sandals there has been a 153 per cent rise in sales." She notes Speedos feature in the new Sex and the City movie: when the girls hit the swimming pool of a Middle Eastern hotel they find it occupied by the Australian rugby team, all decked out in Speedos. "Tanned, honed Australian rugby players are the sort of men Speedos were made for, of course." Style editor of GQ Jodie Harrison hates Speedos "unless the man wearing them is actually rippled. With the pale skin tone of British men and the lack of grooming generally, they do you no favours. If you are hairy, hair condenses around the groin and no one wants to see that on the beach."

Incessant cup buzz

SUCKED in by the hyperbole surrounding the so-called beautiful game, Strewth agents stayed up late on the weekend to watch hours of soccer pass without goals being scored. Blink, or doze off for a few seconds, and you miss the only goal of the half. But the thing that worries us most is the incessant sound of a giant mosquito buzzing.

Horn of plenty

IT seems everyone is talking about the infernal giant mozzie at the Word Cup. The noise comes from a vuvuzela, a horn, apparently part of South African culture and therefore probably safe from being banned. Writing in The Guardian David Smith and Owen Gibson say the horn "unifies both rich and poor as one culture", which sounds to us like wildebeest dust. Dan Levy, at the Sporting Blog says: "Whoever thought the end of the world might come from a long plastic horn?" Others are concerned about the effect on fans' eardrums. Doctors say earplugs should be worn. A Reuters soccer blog said that reporters could barely hear what Serbia's Aleksandar Kolarov was saying as fans kept blowing their horns. London's The Sun said a vuvuzela produces 144 decibels compared with a passenger jet at 140dB and rock concert at 120dB.

Outdoor aesthetics

CANBERRA'S outdoor cafes can test a person's ability to survive hypothermia in the city's Antarctic conditions at this time of the year. Luckily for Canberrans, the ACT government is doing its bit to make the experience of sipping an al fresco latte a pleasant one by issuing guidelines on the type of outdoor furniture the cafes should use. It's particularly heartwarming to know there are public servants dedicated to ensuring furniture should be "visually compatible" with the streetscape, not have any sharp edges that might present a hazard to patrons, be able to "withstand dislodgment by wind" and be "attractive and interesting in appearance". Now Strewth has a modicum of aesthetic taste and common sense and can understand how troubling it would be sit at an unattractive table while seated on uninteresting chair. One of our more cynical correspondents suggests that perhaps the ACT government should discourage unattractive people gathering in such places lest they spoil the view of the attractive and interesting furniture.

The hoon state

ACCORDING to Queensland police, there are at least 20,000 hoons in that sunny state. For that is the number of cars impounded since anti-hoon legislation took effect eight years ago. Would it be safe to suppose that each car had a driver and at least one passenger, making the number of hoons closer to 40,000? That would be a lot of hoons for such a law-abiding state. And what of those many hoons who must have managed to give police the slip?