Malaprops department

THERE are few things Strewth likes more than a solid dose of straight talk, so we salute the Nine Network's NSW political reporter Kevin Wilde.

THERE are few things Strewth likes more than a solid dose of straight talk, so we salute the Nine Network's NSW political reporter Kevin Wilde.

Following his suitably breathless "breaking news" on Wednesday that Premier Nathan Rees was about to be shafted, Rees issued a fairly solid denial. Wilde responded last night, informing his viewers: "I'm no sucker; my sources are impeachable."

Next, a marina

EVEN given the general unfathomability of government funding, Strewth awards extra points to the whimsical genius(es) behind the decision to give Birdsville money to build a pontoon. This being a town in the desert, a pontoon was not high on the council's list of priorities. But, reports one of Strewth's agents in the field, Diamantina Shire Mayor Rob Dare reckons they'll build one anyway on the lagoon at the back of town. As he told the Local Government Association conference in Brisbane this week, "Then it'll probably get washed away in the next flood and we'll get flood mitigation money to rebuild it. You take the money when it's offered but we'd rather have built a gym."

On the march

ATTENTION hostile nation-states! Fancy invading Australia? Today and tomorrow could be the time as our chief protector - Defence Minister John Faulkner - will be far away from his command post, hacking through the NSW bush with a small team in an attempt to walk 100km in under 30hours from the Hawkesbury River to Sydney. He assures Strewth he is not training to join the Special Air Service but is walking to raise money for his favourite charity, Oxfam. In fact, this is Faulkner's fifth time on the annual Oxfam Trailwalker and he will be inducted as a Trailwalker veteran. Says Oxfam Australia: "His team has also raised the most money of all 500 teams, having raised just under $25,000, which brings the total amount of money he has raised for Oxfam to over $145,000. Pretty impressive; we don't know how he finds the time." There's probably a Faulks-in-the-road gag lurking in here.

Force majeure

IT'S possible the one hostile force planning to take full advantage of Faulkner's absence is Malcolm Turnbull, judging by an intriguing set of snaps he posted on Twitter yesterday. The pics, in which he's posed with the crew and beneath the mighty gun of HMAS Wollongong in Cairns, look nothing short of preparations for a military coup. And wouldn't that suit Mal so much better? Sure, the poll numbers have twitched minutely northward, but there's such a long way to go and, let's face it, patience isn't the first word that springs to mind when contemplating Mal. Take power militarily and there'd be no more mucking about with Newspoll, no more headaches over Bradfield, no more pretending one's church is so broad it can accommodate Wilson Tuckey. And Mal could wear a snappy uniform. When it allcomes to pass, don't say we didn't warnyou.

Next stop: Twilight Zone

WHILE South Australian Premier and Twitter-in-chief Mike Rann continues to celebrate his man-crush on cyclist Lance Armstrong (Strewth, yesterday), it seems state opposition finance spokesman Rob Lucas is developing a touch of short-range clairvoyance. Four minutes before Rann posted on Twitter a lovely - dare we say, bromantic - snap of himself in Dublin with the man who calls him Ranny, Lucas predicted uncannily: "RannSpin about to arrive in Dublin on 23rd overseas trip. Lance Armstrong tipped to be there for another photo opportunity for Media Mike." Lucas's office have dubbed this supernatural power tweESP.

Day of the Triffids

WHILE Rann has Armstrong, Strewth has Tim Mulherin, the smart state's Primary Industries, Fisheries and Rural and Regional Queensland Minister. We never fail to swoon at a Mulherin press release, given the drama they pack into subjects ranging from teaching fish about stranger danger to triffid-like South American plants that have "broken free from pastures and gone rogue". The latest is headed "High noon for invading cactus" and, with lines such as this, all it's missing is a suspenseful soundtrack: "Mulherin said Biosecurity Queensland officer Dan McCudden spotted the first plant in a vacant lot while driving through town. 'He was just driving through Morven when he saw something that didn't look quite right,' the minister said."