Cook unplugged

THERE was a rumour of the most special kind floating about yesterday morning: that someone representing Oprah Winfrey (you may have heard of her) had got in touch with the National Film and Sound Archive in Canberra on the off chance they might have some footage of James Cook's 1770 landing in Botany Bay.

THERE was a rumour of the most special kind floating about yesterday morning: that someone representing Oprah Winfrey (you may have heard of her) had got in touch with the National Film and Sound Archive in Canberra on the off chance they might have some footage of James Cook's 1770 landing in Botany Bay.

Of course it's a wind-up, a piece of purest poppycock. However, there was one tiny part of our heart that hoped against hope that it might be true, so we asked the good folks at the NFSA. We thought they'd just give us a flat-out no, or perhaps a long and hearty chuckle, followed by a flat-out no. Instead, they provided us with a response that, we're sure you'll agree, has a quiet dignity about it: "The Privacy Act actually prevents the NFSA from disclosing the identity of our clients and the details of any queries from those clients so I'm unable to answer your query."

Man of mystery back

BARNABY Joyce's words are like butterflies: when they're caught and pinned down, they retain their beauty but lose their magic. Take yesterday's extended riff on Mark "Cable guy" Arbib and other matters of national importance. Headlined "Austen Arbib - International Man of Mystery" and opening with the words "Oh my gosh", the press release ricocheted all over the place like a pinball (kids, ask your parents), touching on Apocalypse Now, Santa Claus, wombats, The Wreck of the Hesperus and much else. How beautiful it would have been delivered off the cuff, potentially redefining the term Joycean. Yet, corralled in the clinical confines of an official press release, the words seemed to wilt. Incidentally, Joyce modelled the mystery look earlier this year when he was spotted one Sunday morning in a Canberra supermarket clad in a dinner suit. As he explained to Strewth at the time: "I was buying toothpaste, so I wasn't an international man of mystery, more an international man of dentistry."

Ya wants water?

OPPOSITION Murray-Darling Basin spokesman and South Australian senator Simon Birmingham has regularly called for more water for his state. Unfortunately, his efforts were answered the wrong way on Wednesday morning when his house was flooded. "We are lucky in that the damage is fairly isolated to the kitchen area and some surrounding living space all in the new parts of our house," he tells Strewth. "The parts built in the 1880s are still standing strong." Happily, the insurance company has swung swiftly into gear and the clean-up is well under way. "There are certainly many across Australia in worse condition than us after recent storms. Of course, I did feel somewhat like Chicken Little when the sky - in this case, ceiling - started falling down around me early yesterday morning. I never did finish reading the newspapers, which were last seen under a pile of soggy wood, insulation and wiring."

Chest thumping

CLIVE Palmer, the man the Liberals want as their federal party president, got a few things off his chest in a press release yesterday: "[Kevin] Rudd has exposed himself as a military fool by threatening the world's most populous nation with force. He has embarrassed Australia in the eyes of our largest trading partner. Unfortunately for Australia, Mr Rudd only understands textbook theory about the Chinese. He fails to appreciate that without China and continuing investment from China, particularly in the mining industry, the Australian economy faces serious difficulties. How can he be effectively representing Australia in China when he's been quoted making these sorts of comments? . . . How can this man represent Australia as the Minister for Foreign Affairs when he is looking more like the minister for foreign non-affairs with each passing day?" Powerful stuff, but does it go far enough? Palmer certainly knows how to run a company and he's good to his employees; why not ditch the entire apparatus of government and run the nation himself? We put this to him (or at least his voicemail). We hadn't heard from him by deadline last night, but we're confident he's giving it some careful thought.

Rev head Kev

ENGLAND cricketer Kevin Pietersen has reportedly been pinged for doing 121km/h in a yellow Lamborghini (from what we know of Lamborghinis, that's just before you change into third gear). Borrowed from a car dealer (with a little help from Shane Warne), it clearly worked a treat, though as Sportsnewsfirst.com.au notes drily, "the police did not appreciate the sight of the bright yellow Lamborghini flying past them on the Geelong Ring Road". Still, three points and $239 is a much milder mishap than the one Nick Cave has had in England, where he crashed his Jaguar into a speed camera. British paper The Daily Mail observes whimsically, "Cave, once described by his tailor as 'terrifying, but always polite and courteous', was not arrested after the car crash but police inquiries are continuing."

Hold the front page!

YOU have until midday (Darwin time) to get your entry in for your chance to become editor for a day of The Northern Territory News, the croc addicts' paper of choice. Look under "Sack the editor!" at ntnews.com.au for details.