Clive Palmer’s dead-letter office

One person on the receiving end of Clive Palmer’s spam deluge is Rhiannon Keyte, who decided enough was enough.

One person on the receiving end of Clive Palmer’s spam deluge is Rhiannon Keyte, who decided enough was enough and went to hop on the blower to “give them a piece of my mind”. But a quick Google search for “United Australia Party Brisbane” yielded this less than entirely expected description: “Cemetery in the Brisbane central business district, Queensland.” And attached to that, a long string of one-star reviews. Exhibit A: “We need a -5 stars for negative experiences. Nuisance spam messages from a Trump wannabe. Will be filing a complaint with the communications ombudsman for any contact after notifying them to remove my number. The more official complaints about this spam the better.” And B: “Can’t contact them so can’t ask nicely to remove from spam texts. Particularly today’s text boasting to have spam texts banned!!” And C: “You don’t win votes with unsolicited text messages mate. #asshat.” Still, it’s not all bad. Nestled amid all those lone stars is a short five-star review: “Best reach-arounds money can buy.”

Learning with Alan

It was Wednesday last week when broadcaster Alan Jones revealed himself as an adherent of the long-scale school of numbers, intervening gently yet firmly during his interview with Scott Morrison.

ScoMo: “That’s why I’ve been saying that now for many years but particularly now as PM — $200 billion of higher taxes which includes this most pernicious …”

Jones: “I wish you’d say two hundred thousand million. Two hundred thousand million.”

Old schoolteacher that he is, Jonesy knows not only how to make a lesson stick, but how to test his students. Yesterday, he talked again with the PM.

Jones: “Now that’s all terrific but in 2007 Kevin 07, the people in the public, the voters, the people you are talking to now, didn’t seem to understand that it was real, what (John) Howard and (Peter) Costello had achieved. It would be safe with Labor. Threw them out, we’ve now seen what’s happened subsequently. How are you going to prosecute this case when Chris Bowen is talking about $20 billion of taxes?”

ScoMo (going for full marks): “$200 billion. Or as you said the other day, $20,000 million.”

Jones: “That’s right, $20,000 million. I’m telling you to say it and I’ve got it mixed up myself.”

ScoMo went on to exchange figures for lyricism when, as he talked about franking credits, he said: “In comes the big dark hand of Labor to rip it out of your pockets.” On the whole, “big dark hand” sounds a lot more like a Nick Cave song rather than, say, a Liam Neeson interview.

Wilson and Hewson

Bowen was out with his colleague Matt Thistlethwaite, each giving both barrels to Liberal MP Tim Wilson for his — how shall we put it — complex role in the franking credits inquiry. Despite their sheer, combustive stamina, the effect was momentarily blunted by a John Hewson-flavoured provocation.

Journo: “Is this your Fightback?”

Bowen: “This is our plan for Australia’s future.”

Meanwhile, a presser by Labor frontbencher Joel Fitzgibbon and Fiona Phillips, the party’s candidate for the NSW south coast seat of Gilmore, started on an existential note as a journalist posed the biggest of questions: “What are we here for today?”

Active member

On a firmer note, Tony Abbott was out being a local member again. This time, in attire befitting a visit to an electorate bus stop (for as his fans have energetically reminded Strewth this week, Abbott is always correctly dressed for the occasion), he made another video as short if not quite as punchy as his Manly one: “The B-Line is making a big difference to transport in our area, but we really need the Northern Beaches Tunnel built — and that’s what I’m fighting for.” Anyway, he’s been to the seaside lavatories and now to the bus stop — it does feel like he’s following Winston Churchill’s template: “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds.” The next bit of course is “we shall fight in the fields and in the streets”, so we’re pumped to see how Abbott rises to the occasion.

Not right now, chaps

Thanks to a macabre version of the Keystone Cops, Hakeem al-Araibi — soccer player, refugee and Australian resident — is shackled in a Thai prison, waiting to learn if he’s going to be sent back to his native Bahrain, the country he had to flee. Cue a tweet from a rugby union club: “The Melbourne Rebels are thrilled to continue the commercial momentum the club is building ahead of the 2019 season by officially announcing a new partnership with Thai Airways.” As incidents of poor timing go, it lacked the droll silver lining of NAB chief Andrew Thorburn’s long-service leave.

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