Cheesy all round

SEVERAL of Strewth's correspondents found the Liberal Party's election policy launch excruciating for its cheesy music, cliched advertisement-style interludes, bogan twanging and squealing sycophants reminiscent of happy-clappy evangelical sessions.

SEVERAL of Strewth's correspondents found the Liberal Party's election policy launch excruciating for its cheesy music, cliched advertisement-style interludes, bogan twanging and squealing sycophants reminiscent of happy-clappy evangelical sessions.

At least Liberal lord mayor of Brisbane Campbell Newman set a benchmark of sorts. He referred to Labor as a socialist dictatorship, perhaps yearning for the Cold War days of Robert Menzies and Arthur Calwell. Dressed as if for a funeral, Julie Bishop - the Chaser's death-stare champion - was showing her new-found acting ability with some sweet timing. The only thing missing was someone calling out hallelujah every few seconds. The steady hand of the Nationals' Warren Truss reminded us of a tall oompa-loompa who had been using too much fake tan while the main act, Tony Abbott, injected some much-needed gravitas - although if he spoke any slower he would come to a complete halt.

Swanning out

IT'S an iron rule in the fashion industry that shows never start on time. This is possibly because attendees are intent on making catty remarks about each other's outfits, and that can take time. Or maybe the reason is they must get at least two glasses of champagne under their belts before the models start prancing on the catwalk. Anyhow, at the Brisbane Fashion Festival on Saturday, organisers rushed everyone to their seats because Wayne Swan was making an appearance. He didn't turn up. He should have sent Julia Gillard instead - not that we think she needs any fashion advice.

Not worth a nickel

PROMINENT Melbourne literary figure Marieke Hardy appears to be channelling Catherine Deveny. In May, Deveny lost her job as a columnist at The Age for tweeting that she hoped child television personality Bindi Irwin got laid. Another Deveny tweet said she hoped Rove McManus's new wife did not die, thereby being offensive and unfunny at once. To her 15,967 followers yesterday, Hardy quoted Abbott at the Liberal launch: "The most conservative instinct of all - the instinct to have a family. Tony Abbott, I hope your cock drops off and falls down a plughole." One of Hardy's followers, Wendy Collins, added her five cents' worth: "Then it goes from the plughole to our oceans, destroying the entire ocean. Let's just compost it instead." Hardy replied: "Excellent point. I'll bring my herb garden." Harmless and puerile, some would argue. But we wonder what the editor of The Age thinks.

Heavy handed

HANDSHAKE bully Mark Latham has been at it again, as everyone knows. When he did it to John Howard in 2004, many observers thought it was the moment that lost him and Labor the election. On this page last month, national chief reporter Tom Dusevic reminded us that Howard had earlier laid a bonecrusher on Latham's wife Janine, who told her husband that "it really hurt". In The Latham Diaries, Iron Mark wrote: "Throughout the campaign, every time I saw him, he kept on trying to give me a bonecrusher, squeezing tight and shaking with his arm, instead of his wrist, like a flapping motion. It's a small man's thing, trying to show you can match the big guy at something." Strewth is left wondering exactly what justification Latham will have for his handshake aggression towards Gillard.

Lathering up

OVERLOOKED in the heat of election campaigning, a mighty stoush between Dick Smith and John Singleton has erupted. In the blue corner, Smith wants to cap Australia's population. In the red corner, Singleton disagrees. Singo is maintaining a dignified silence, but Smith is agitated to the point of offering $1 million to someone under 30 who can promote prosperity without growth. Smith risks being pilloried for arguing Australia needs "another Bob Geldof or Bono to take this cause worldwide" when one of each is too many. "Singo's an old dinosaur. He can't possibly believe what he's saying. He must know, everyone knows, we can't keep growing forever. I've challenged him to a debate but he's chickened out. He's so bloody pathetic. He won't debate me because he knows I'm right and he's wrong." With a debating style like that, Smith should stand for office. He'd probably even silence Latham with that level of vitriol.

Off with the fairies

NSW Premier Kristina Keneally is due to have "minor dental surgery requiring an anaesthetic", according to her office. We hear it's because she has been grinding her teeth, which would be entirely understandable. She will take formal leave for two days and Deputy Premier Carmel Tebbutt will serve as acting premier on Thursday and Friday. So the state will have someone in charge while the Premier is off with the fairies and unable to exercise her constitutional duties. Meanwhile, Keneally wants to close the Harbour Bridge on October 10 so that people can sit down on the grass-covered road and have breakfast. This daft idea is intended as a way of supporting Australia's bid to host the soccer World Cup in 2022. And we thought parks were good places for picnics and bridges a handy way of crossing water.