Chased out

REACTION to the Windsors' banning of the Chaser chaps from commenting on the royal wedding can generally be divided into several distinct types:

REACTION to the Windsors' banning of the Chaser chaps from commenting on the royal wedding can generally be divided into several distinct types:

(a) Bloody royals!; (b) Nice one, royals!; (c) Eh?; (d) I'm sorry I'll be deprived of Andrew Hansen's droll and dulcet tones but recognise you can't win them all; (e) What is the Chaser?; and, for a blessed few, (f) What is this royal wedding of which you speak? As it was, it seemed the ABC was already trying to take revenge by Wednesday night, with newsreader Juanita Phillips apparently declaring what sounded suspiciously like a subliminal desire for the big nuptial event to meet with failure: "Around 5000 police will be on duty [in London] to ensure the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton goes without a hitch." Er . . .

Lighten up

STILL, are the services of The Chaser necessary when we have Kevin Rudd? The Foreign Minister was in particularly jaunty form yesterday on his old stamping ground, the Seven Network's Sunrise: "I've copped a few barbs from the Chaser boys over the years, they seem to regard me as pretty usable raw material [just fancy], but usually they're pretty funny. What do I say diplomatically at this point? If you want my personal view, this is not the government view, my personal view is I really think the BBC needs to lighten up a bit. Just get a bit of a sense of humour." Not that Rudd was content to merely preach - he was ready to lead by example. Take these exchanges with host David Koch:

Koch: "A lot of the English think Julia Gillard might be related to Dame Edna. Any truth in that, do you think?"

Rudd: "I think Dame Edna is unique."

Then it was quiz time, with the ever eager Rudd not bothering to wait for the multiple choice part of the question:

Koch: "Which of the following people are not invited to the wedding?"

Rudd: "Me."

Koch: "David Beckham, Fergie or Elton John?"

Not that he was sore about the lack of an invitation, going on to wax romantic: "Enjoy the wedding and all the world loves a lover, all the best to the happy couple." And yes, we have it on good authority Rudd was making a reference to the Doris Day song. As you might have expected.

Kev horreur

BEFORE he left for London, Kevin Rudd followed up his foray into the French language (Strewth, Tuesday) with some linguistics. At his G20 address to the American European Press Club in Paris, he introduced the concept of argy-bargy, helpfully in a French accent. Hopefully a Gallic sucked sauce bottle will get an outing next time. Here endeth our special unsealed Rudd section.

What's that smell?

NOT be outdone by a certain happy event involving a family ensconsed grandly on the public teat, the Jasmine Awards 2011 went off in style in Sydney yesterday. Designed to recognise excellence in perfume journalism (that is, write about perfume in a way that looks to us essentially like advertising, but we're feeling old and jaded due to the sound of screaming Justin Bieber fans slowly eroding our will to live). The body responsible is the Fragrance Foundation Australia, which, as its website explains, "is the not-for-profit educational arm of the fragrance industry and devotes its energies to expanding the appreciation, use and consumption of fragrance in Australia." Not for profit. Sweet.

Carcinogenic hues

WHEN the Australian Olive Association suffers, we all suffer. After their cry from the heart (or, indeed, the pip) about "olive green" cigarette packaging (Strewth, yesterday), we put out a call for a new name or a new colour to mollify our beloved olive sector. Our suggestion of gan-green won some support. Reader Jeanette Fitzgerald expresses a certain fondness for puce, while Lynn Green plumps for the almost homophonic puke green. A reader we know only as the Emu offers the lyrical merde d'oie (it's French and involves a goose), while Paddy O'Reilly has gone down a Kiwi route and offered us Karitane yellow (substitute baby for goose and you're on the right track). Russell Grenning feels we may be barking up the wrong tree: "Imagine Winfield encased in a bright pink packet, replete with cute little bunnies, bows and hearts? Just imagine what the other blokes at the truckie stops would say." Brian Colton, meanwhile, is reminded of Alf Garnett in an episode of Till Death Us Do Part: "The inimitable Alf proposed that, since smokers voluntarily contribute billions in tax revenue in spite of knowing that they were risking death, they should be given a special medal for service to the country." But we'll leave off with a generous and, dare we say it, heartfelt selection from Sunshine Coast medico Chris Topovsek: Embolus Ebony; Crushing Chest Pain Crimson; Toothless Tan; Cancer Creme; Breathless Beige.

Green machine

IT saddened us a little to see three Greens pollies advertising for spin doctors yesterday. Seems it comes to us all in the end.

James Jeffrey