Blow me down

SOME people prefer to give International Talk Like a Pirate Day as wide a berth as possible.

SOME people prefer to give International Talk Like a Pirate Day as wide a berth as possible.

Others give it a token nod, such as saying "Arr!" at the dentist rather than the more traditional "Ahh". Then there are those who go the full eyepatch and parrot. Into this last category falls Victorian Roads and Ports Minister Tim Pallas, who cranked out a press release yesterday that, at the very least, proves it's still possible in Victoria to think of something other than grand final week. Take it away, Minister: "International Talk Like a Pirate Day is obviously an opportunity for landlubbers to hoist the Jolly Roger and go sailin', fightin' and a-piratin' in search of booty, so we encourage all Victorians to mind their pieces o' silver. Aye, admittedly the recent deepening of the channels in Port Phillip Bay may encourage greater pirate activity, but Victoria won't be walking the plank this Sunday." Sadly, the dead hand of the nanny state triumphs: "Mr Pallas said pirates were and continue to be bad people, and the government was committed to working with communities to ensure 'yo-ho-hos' and bottles of rum are, where possible, kept to a minimum. 'It's time Victorians got their sea legs, show no quarter to pirates or pirate speakers, and be wary of bilge-sucking blaggards,' he said." Unquote.

Research tools

WITH the various kerfuffles over politicians perusing saucy images on the internet, it was probably inevitable that some would return to the relative safety (and, for the more green-minded, biodegradability) of paper. Or so it appears to Victorian reader Leanne Van Der Merwe, who shares with us this small but glistening facet of her visit to Canberra a few days back: "We were at Parliament House and noticed in the far corner of the turfed area of the upper level a small private room, marked 'Strictly No Entry'. To us it looked to be the political version of the naughty corner. The problem was, the bin stationed just outside the naughty corner was filled with girly magazines." And, indeed, Leanne has kindly sent us some photos of some cruelly crumpled decolletage and whatnot in a parliamentary bin; as a bonus, you can see St John's Anglican church in the background. Any suggestion that Fred Nile had a research team in the area can probably be discounted.

Political stirrer

THE follies of pollies these days don't qualify as even faint echoes of those of their political ancestors. Take this snippet from the review in this month's Literary Review about Catharine Arnold's City of Sin: London and its Vices: "In Samuel Pepys's day, Charles Sedley MP once put on an impressive display on the balcony of 'Oxford Kate's', a celebrated whorehouse in Bow Street. Pepys describes him appearing naked in broad daylight, perhaps a little tired and emotional, 'acting all the postures of lust and buggery that could be imagined', and boasting that he knew of a potion 'as should make all the [word not in Strewth's vocabulary, but we're advised it may be slang for women of a certain hormonal zeal] in town run after him'. Before an audience of a thousand, he then 'took a glass of wine and washed his [redacted, in the interests of keeping your breakfast below deck] in it and then drank it off; and then took another and drank the King's health'."

We're all dead

TREASURY has released a study showing rising government debts have no measurable effect on interest rates in the short run and only a minute effect in the long run. But how long is long, and how short is short? Brace for the answer: "The long run refers to the equilibrium relationship between the relevant variables while the short run refers to the dynamics determining how the variables adjust back towards their long-run equilibrium." All clear? Good. Next!

Tweet surrender

THERE'S a movement on Twitter whose aim is to "tweet like Tony Burke". This involves emulating the minister's penchant for alerting his followers to the more quotidian yet no less vital aspects of political life: driving to Canberra, driving back from Canberra, driving somewhere else. And so on. So when the nation went to the polls last month, it felt like nothing less than the dawn of a new paradigm when Burke dropped this line: "I resisted the urge to tweet while voting. This may mark the end of #tweetliketonyburke." Fingers crossed it doesn't prove to be true. Whatever the case, we wonder whether anyone will ever tweet like South Australian Premier Mike Rann. Here's just a selection from yesterday: "Flattered that Leader of Opp [Isobel Redmond] has called me, [Treasurer] Kevin Foley, [Transport Minister] Pat Conlon and [former attorney-general] Michael Atkinson the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!"; "Has she been reading the Book of Revelation or is she having feverish fantasies about her own position in the Liberals Next Judgment?"; "Off to City to Bay [Fun Run]. [Wife] Sasha [Carruozzo] and I walking for Canteen. Great cause. In Tour Down Under we are riding for Cancer Voices"; "Damn. Just went to talk to organisers and I tripped off my electronic timer 20 mins before start. The Apocalypse! Armageddon?" Compelling, yes, but imitable? Our guess is: no.