Barnaby speaks

YESTERDAY'S question time in the House of Representatives was brought to you by "stunt" and "plebiscite".

APART from a single "Or-DUH!" from Speaker Harry Jenkins that nearly punched a hole through the ash cloud, yesterday's question time in the House of Representatives was brought to you by "stunt" and "plebiscite".

And also "all hypocrisy and no democracy", a new slogan that suggests the monkeys in the typewriter room are some way off Hamlet. So rather than loiter in the lower house, let's head to Tony Abbott's beloved Queanbeyan, where the Opposition Leader (a) drove a truck a few inches and (b) shared the floor with Barnaby Joyce. "It's always good adding something to you, Tony," began Joyce, "because I know whatever I say they'll never report it." Pure fiction, of course, and quietly put to bed a short time later when he was asked by one journo how he felt, as a Queenslander, about the decision regarding Johnathan Thurston [we carefully pieced together that this a rugby league reference]. Unlike Abbott the truckie, Joyce showed no hesitation stomping on the accelerator: "Thurston, Thurston! Yeah, this is outrageous. I mean, a two-week suspension and we're going into the State of Origin. I mean, I didn't realise that running into somebody by accident was such a heinous crime. I mean, it does pose the question that, you know, if these buggers can't win fairly they'll win foul." Abbott correctly observed Joyce was going to be reported.

Staying grounded

SPEAKING of the ash cloud, we hear Qantas chief Alan Joyce drove from Melbourne to Sydney after deciding it wouldn't look good to have a paying passenger bumped from a flight. Meanwhile, Tiger Airways was sending out its emails in a job lot yesterday afternoon. Email No 1: "Tiger's 72-hour sale." Email No 2, nine minutes later: "Tiger Airways 5pm volcanic ash cloud update."

Gasbagging wags

WHILE we gear up for Steve "Never endorse a stunt you didn't come up with" Fielding's valedictory speech in the Senate today, we've been making do with those from some of his fellow senators yesterday. There was Nationals defector Julian McGauran, thanking "my Liberal Party colleagues for accepting me at such short notice". Then Nick Minchin suggested that when he first heard of the Australian Greenhouse Office, he thought it was responsible for supplying tomatoes to the parliamentary cafe. Warming (sorry) to his theme, Minchin informed the Senate he was forming a Friends of Carbon Dioxide organisation. But even he had to concede the power of CO2, saying not only had it made him resign briefly from the front bench, it has claimed the leaderships of Malcolm Turnbull and Kevin Rudd, and could yet knock off Julia Gillard. "That's quite some gas."

Political nous

PARLIAMENTARY confession of the day, starring Christopher Pyne: "In my first year at university, in constitutional law 1, I chose to do my first essay on the dismissal of the Whitlam government in 1975. Amazingly I only got 30 per cent on that essay. And when I went to see the lecturer in constitutional law 1 she explained to me while there wasn't anything particularly wrong with my essay I might stay away from political subjects in future at university."

A cut above

THE politician most likely to succeed in a Fabio and-or Samson lookalike competition, South Australian Labor MP Russell Wortley, sought out a Strewth correspondent in the media pack surrounding him and his luxuriant locks yesterday. Premier Mike Rann had just announced a special meeting of caucus on Thursday to appoint a new minister and Wortley was putting his hand up. "Is The Australian here? I've had my hair cut, mate." Wortley may call it a haircut, though our man insists "a trim" would be more on the mark.

Part of the furniture

A WEST Australian woman stopped two men from stealing her car by sitting on the would-be driver. We only mention this as, given former WA Liberal leader Troy Buswell's celebrated act of sniffing a woman's chair, it seems like a form of symmetry for WA women to be using men as furniture.

Tit-for-tat spat

THERE was no poofle valve action, but Craig Emerson and Peter Dutton gave it their best on Sky News yesterday after Dutto suggested Emmo was "a big factional player" in the ALP.

Emmo: "I would be the least likely to be regarded as a factional powerbroker, my friend."

Dutto: "I stay away from these things. I try to build you up, Craig, and now you've put yourself down."
Emmo: "I don't need your help, brother."

Then, via a detour through the ever popular topic of Kevin Rudd (Dutto: "You're breaking into a sweat."; Emmo: "I've been playing touch footy and you haven't."), the chat went downhill. Host Kieran Gilbert tried an optimistic spin ("OK, well gentlemen, thank you for that and a nice positive way to finish the show"), only to be foiled by Dutton who churlishly took a more evidence-based approach: "Yeah, if only it were true."