Abbott's on first

FIRST item today in the gospel of Strewth is, as you may expect, Tony Abbott, for it is time to thank him for the glee he has brought into this troubled world.

FIRST item today in the gospel of Strewth is, as you may expect, Tony Abbott, for it is time to thank him for the glee he has brought into this troubled world.

After all, when even the Australian Petroleum Production and Exploration Association is cracking Abbott jokes, it would be churlish to a criminal degree to not acknowledge the Iron Monk's contribution to comedy. Abbott will be fronting the APPEA conference in Brisbane today, but he was already there in spirit yesterday when Adi Karev, global head of oil and gas at Deloitte Touche Tomatsu, deviated at the start of his set speech yesterday to give the 7.30 Report-flavoured reassurance that "as you can see, my remarks are scripted, so you may choose to believe what I say". So yes, we may have to suffer Labor's metronomic cries of "Phony Tony" (a mantra that may one day eclipse even "great big new tax"), but considering the positives, it's a small price to pay.

Stutterless

THERE are some things that transcripts from The 7.30 Report don't convey but really ought to, such as the way Kerry "I'm not aspiring to be prime minister" O'Brien tilts his face and peers over the top of his glasses just as he goes in for the kill. But while some ingredients are missing, the transcribers in 7.30 Report Land do otherwise try to be completists. Who can forget the unforgivingly whole transcript from Kevin Rudd's celebrated appearance last week? Let's revisit it for a moment: "Well, um, as I said before, Kerry, um, some of the large mining companies and some other companies are going to say all sorts of things as we sort out, um, the detail of this. But, um, again . . ." So we fondly imagined the transcribers having a merry time with the stutter-fest that was the Iron Monk's gospel moment, until we actually read the transcript (something Abbott's office has accidentally neglected to release) and found it as a clean as a freshly scrubbed whistle. Not that Labor has any hard feelings; even federal Minister for Abbott Bashing Craig Emerson referred deferentially to Red Kez yesterday as "Mr O'Brien". For the toughest assessment of Abbott's in video veritas moment, though, we turn to his predecessor Malcolm Turnbull, who tweeted: "Budget seminar today at Moriah [College] with economics students from eight local schools. Their smart and incisive interrogation made [Kerry O'Brien] look benign!"

Down in the south

LABOR may be feeling a brief reprieve thanks to the gospel of Honest Tone, but it seems not everyone in ALP ranks is confident it's going to last. With the PM and his cabinet due to descend on the Tasmanian town of Burnie today, where federal Labor member Sid Sidebottom will be playing host, Sidebottom's chief adviser Luke Sayer has updated his Facebook status to read, "Luke Sayer is waiting for the chaos train!"

Tanner a tinkler

HE may be a bit meagre with the hospitality budgets (Strewth, last month), but that doesn't mean Lindsay Tanner is averse to entertainment. At the ABC's Sydney bunker for Q&A on Monday night, while Joe Hockey was in make-up and Tony Jones was warming up the audience, Tanner availed himself of the Play School Steinway. Despite characterising his playing as "a bit rusty", the Finance Minister knocked out the Beatles' Let it Be, the Animals' House of the Rising Sun and, for good measure, snatches of Beethoven. We gather his staff, who are often subjected to Elton John marathons in the car, were relieved Tanner was prepared to temporarily say goodbye to the Yellow Brick Road.

Tickets, please

WAS it just our caffeine-jarred imagination or was Janine Perrett, host of Sky News Business Channel's The Perrett Report, gently (and commendably) probing Fairfax Media chairman and former Woolworths boss Roger Corbett the other night to make sure he had another a job to go to in the event of a Fairfax collapse? Here's how the last part of the interview unfurled:

Perrett: "Do you still have your bus driver's licence?"

Corbett: "Yes."

Perrett: "Ever take them on the bus? Have you taken Fairfax board on the bus or anyone else?"

Corbett: "Well, I think the Fairfax board . . . have heard a few of the stories from Woolworths and they're not keen to go on a bus with me."

Perrett: "Do you ever take anyone on the bus anywhere?"

Corbett: "No, I haven't gone bus driving for quite some time."

Perrett: "But legally, you could still do it if necessary?"

Corbett: "I could still drive a bus, yes."

Dropping the Pill

THAT (regrettably) large part of Strewth devoted to bad jokes is devastated to hear that the Sydney Ports harbour control tower is, despite its heritage listing, in danger of being demolished. Sure, it enhances the harbour shore with the aesthetic splendour of a galvanised nail, but we can't bear the thought of losing a building nicknamed the Pill. Why the Pill?, we hear you ask. Because, ahem, it controls the berths. (We'll just insist, in the heat of the moment, that we have a licence for that gagworthy gag.)