A closed book

GREENS leader Bob Brown has revealed a hitherto hidden layer of cynicism, a characteristic that shocks Strewth, who always thinks of the old greenie as an avuncular and upbeat pollie.

GREENS leader Bob Brown has revealed a hitherto hidden layer of cynicism, a characteristic that shocks Strewth, who always thinks of the old greenie as an avuncular and upbeat pollie.

Asked if he had bought John Howard's acclaimed autobiography Lazarus Rising, Brown said: "No, I must say I haven't even looked at the index, which politicians tend to go straight to. They read the book from back to front. I have got more to do with my money." Perhaps Brown is saving up to buy Peter Costello's memoir, for which he had the help of journalist Peter Coleman. (Howard has made a point of saying he wrote his book without help.) Following Brown's flagrant cynicism, independent senator Nick Xenophon set new standards in churlishness, saying he would be reading a few crime thrillers before Howard's book.

"I don't think John Howard would be capable of writing fiction. It's quite sad really," Xenophon said. Meanwhile, Costello is sniping from the sidelines via the Fairfax press and underscoring Howard's relatively dignified demeanour: "I don't want to revisit his view and my view about whether I should have retired and who said what."

You can bank on it

THE admirable Lateline Business presenter Ticky Fullerton missed a great opportunity to put Commonwealth Bank chief executive Ralph Norris on the spot on Tuesday night. Fullerton summarised Norris's views on funding costs for banks, costs that are now apparently higher than they were before the global financial crisis. "He said that CBA, like its peers, was replacing cheap debt raised before the global financial crisis with debt priced at up to 10 times higher than margins and he couldn't rule out a rate rise," Fullerton said. Norris responded: "I can't guarantee that the sun won't come up tomorrow - or will come up tomorrow - so, in this situation, I don't make guarantees that are inappropriate to make." Fullerton could have pointed out that the sun has been rising every morning for more than four billion years and that it will certainly rise again tomorrow, with or without Norris's guarantee.

Give us the bald facts

HAS Test cricket captain Ricky Ponting been to Advanced Hair Studio? He has either taken the Shane Warne and Greg Matthews route to a revitalised head of hair or he's wearing a rug. If it's a rug, it's a startling sight. The style is reminiscent of English soccer player David Beckham's cut a few years ago, when he piled his hair up in the middle of his head. In Ponting's case, his hair looks heavily gelled and somewhat unnatural. Fast bowler Doug Bollinger happily admits he wears a rug. Which brings us to YouTube, which unkindly shows a an infra-red Hot-Spot clip of Bollinger's bald head under his wig. Strewth's cricket editor says there is also a Hot-Spot image of umpire Rudi Koertzen detected, er, passing wind.

Calling it as it is

SOUTH Australian Treasurer Kevin Foley managed a $22,000 bill this month. But Foley has a lot to say and has a forceful turn of phrase to go with it. Late on Tuesday, opposition Treasury spokesman Iain Evans asked Foley about an audit and a mistake in back-pay for ambulance officers. Foley argued that incompetence was not the reason for the error. Evans interjected but Foley ploughed ahead. "You know, as a former cabinet minister - and I am sure you could both privately and publicly recall many incidents where in large organisations shit happens." Liberal Steven Marshall chimed in: "So that's the technical term for this?" Foley: "The technical term for this."

Paul is dead

OUR sports pages yesterday carried news of Paul the octopus's death in Germany, an event the Nostradamus of the soccer World Cup did not predict. As Roger Boyes writes in The Times, Paul received death threats having made enemies in England, Germany and The Netherlands. Security around Paul's tank was doubled. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said the cephalopod was spreading Western propaganda and there were rumours of an octo-fatwa. Kazakhstan betting syndicates swore revenge. The Spanish government offered a haven. "Given he did not have a long life expectancy after his summer of soccer, it was a strange decision to make Paul an official ambassador to England's 2018 World Cup bid," Boyes notes. "Now the management team must decide whether this is a bad omen.

And pick a new mascot. A tortoise, perhaps."

And take that

SPEAKER Harry Jenkins has delivered a lecture to MPs about the perils of snapping each other in the chamber. This may have been prompted by a photo of Peter Slipper taking an eye-break when the Indonesian President visited last year. Or it could be because Jenkins is still sore about being papped having intense words with Julia Gillard when his job was in the balance. "Guidelines do not even contemplate the taking of photos of members by other members. I have felt members should be able to use laptops and mobile phones in the chamber in ways that enable them to make more efficient use of their time but . . . the misuse of mobile phones . . . has the potential of lowering the standard of the house."