I’m never sure what to make of ABC Managing Director Michelle Guthrie. At times I think she is a bumbler prone to annoying those who work in the organisation as much as she irritates its critics. Just after the ABC axes 22 news journalists so it can hire digital staff, it engages Fairfax columnist and author Peter FitzSimons as a guest reporter for Foreign Correspondent.
This week’s episode concerned the Turnbull Government’s policy of deporting New Zealand citizens on grounds of criminal history and character, an issue that has caused friction between the two countries. Not surprisingly for one who prides himself on being progressive, FitzSimons portrayed the deportees as victims of a harsh conservative government. Next time he does that, he might want to feature someone other than a drug trafficker, a wife-bashing ice addict, or a member of an outlaw motorcycle gang with the initials ‘FTP’ (F**k the Police) tattooed on his neck.
You wonder what professional ABC journalists make of this guest reporter’s antics. The respected Tony Eastley, a senior journalist who spent 37 years with the ABC, was clearly dumbfounded. “Really is this what #ForeignCorrespondent is supposed to be about,” he tweeted. “Objectivity out the window.”
Really is this what #ForeignCorrespondent is supposed to be about ? Objectivity out the window.
— Tony Eastley (@tonyeastley) July 17, 2018
The narration was replete with patronising and dumbed-down clichés. Australians and New Zealanders, FitzSimons effusively declared no fewer than four times, were “brothers and sisters in arms”. The policy of deporting New Zealanders, he warned, could “boomerang on us too”.
This was bad enough, but FitzSimons’ penchant for self-promotion made the unworthy unwatchable. “I’ve had the honour of facing the All Blacks’ haka six times,” he said, as he broke out in a seemingly impromptu rendition in a Maori community hall. And “As a one-time Wallaby who was actually once sent off against the All Blacks for violence, I perhaps know more than most just how intense the rivalry between our two nations can be.” In this half-hour show he found time to indulge in anecdotes about his playing days, yet he did not bother to interview any of the victims of the crimes these deportees committed.
What on earth is going on when our taxes are paying for a bandana-wearing middle-aged man to ponce about on the world stage? Yes I know, desperate times, desperate measures and all that, but surely they could have found someone in-house? Anyone from Play School fancy a trip across the Tasman? For pity’s sake, it would have been less embarrassing had they got Mr Squiggle to narrate it.
And then it hit me. What if by hiring FitzSimons, Guthrie secret’s purpose was to recover the $84 million the ABC will lose as a result of the government’s freezing indexation over the next three years? The underlying threat could not be clearer: “Cut our funding, and this is an example of what you will see on your televisions night after night”. If that was Guthrie’s intention, she is a malevolent genius. Just picture the dismay on viewers’ faces as they change from ABC channel to channel only to see FitzSimons’ image dominating every screen. Worse still, imagine the scenes we didn’t get to see from his latest appearance:
PF: “Hello from Auckland, New Zealand. I’m Peter FitzSimons. I normally introduce myself to my readers as ‘your humble correspondent’, but tonight I’m here as your humble foreign correspondent! This is no dilettante indulgence, viewers. As I wrote in my column on Sunday, this “was a complex, difficult story to cover, requiring me to call in a lot of long-time political contacts in NZ”. I’m talking about all those Kiwis our government has deported, and I’m here with one of them, Neville Smith. Neville, how did it feel for you, who dinkum spent more years in Oz than you spent in Enzed, to be suddenly given the boot in the name of law and order?”
NS: “Well it was a shock to say the least. I’d …”
PF: “Focus, Neville. I know you’re overwhelmed at being interviewed by a celebrity, but today you’re the one in the limelight. You’re in the foreground, I’m in the background. Everything here is geared to that effect. Just keep your eyes trained on the bright red bandana while you do the talking, okay?
NS: “Okay, I think I can remember to …”
PF: “I need you to be succinct, Neville. This interview’s only a ninety second segment, which means what you say must be short and to the point. Use my style of writing as a model. For example, when I wrote last year about being at the Auckland Writers’ Festival and witnessing the delightful spontaneity of progressivism in your country, I said ‘I was on stage being interviewed about my book on Gallipoli by the long-time Kiwi breakfast TV host, Alison Mau, who in the course of our conversation mentioned she was engaged to marry her gorgeous partner Karleen.’ See how every word in that sentence is essential to my observation?”
NS: “Well, not really, but …”
PF: “Now about your deportation, Neville. Admittedly you’re no saint are you?”
NS: “Definitely not. As a young bloke I got into a bit of trouble with the law, and I …”
PF: “Just like many an Australian lad has done, Neville, a fact I noted in my book ‘Ned Kelly: The Story of Australia’s Most Notorious Legend’. Much of what we call crimes are in fact youth rising up against the oppressive laws of conservative governments. Was that your experience?”
NS: “No, I was just a young bloke who was bored and crime to me was like a sugar hit …”
PF: “Sugar! I know what you mean: the unregulated supply of sucrose to the masses has contributed to the demise of many. In my last column I mentioned that the federal government, in releasing a consultation paper on how we can reduce the intake of sugar, has adopted one of my ideas. If only it had done so years earlier when I was imploring them to, Neville; it could have been a lot different for you. So, tell me: did your arbitrary deportation change your views of Australians being fair and just-minded people?”
NS: “Yeah it’s fair to say I was annoyed. I mean Aussies are very quick to claim Kiwis as their own when it suits them, but …”
PF: “But rest assured that’s not the case with all Australians, Neville. If you read my book ‘Nancy Wake: A Biography of Our Greatest War Heroine’ you’ll see I was quick to acknowledge this Aussie nemesis of the Gestapo was born in New Zealand. But I digress. When you first became aware the government wanted to deport you, what appeal rights did you have?”
NS: “Well, I was disadvantaged because …”
PF: “I know why you were disadvantaged, Neville. Your appeal would have been sent to the Queen of England, and instead of considering this impartially she was conflicted.”
NS: “No, I had a dud lawyer and he …”
PF: “And the reason she was conflicted, Neville, is because the Queen of England is in turn the Queen of Australia, as well as the Queen of New Zealand. Therefore I put it to you it is no skin off her royal nose where her subjects are transported, as long as they remain in the Commonwealth. That is why Her Majesty did not stay your deportation order.”
NS: “Look, she didn’t have anything to do with …”
PF: “But let me just say, Neville, as Chair of the Australian Republic Movement this will change when I become — I mean when an Australian president and not an English monarch decides your fate. So tell us, how did you feel when you landed at Auckland and saw the native country you’d left so long ago?”
NS: “Yeah, I felt sad when …”
PF: “I know exactly why you felt that way, Neville. Here you were, already despondent at leaving your friends and family behind in Oz, but hoping things had changed for the better when you returned to the Land of the Long White Cloud. But your hopes were dashed when you looked out the window. Instead of seeing a flag adorned with images of your country’s unique flora, you saw a tired, dated and cringe-worthy rag bearing the Union Jack. As a Director of Ausflag, I say to you that I know your pain only too well. It is time our countries throw off the yoke of colonial rule and embrace our destinies.”
NS: “To be honest, I couldn’t have given a rat’s about the flag. All I wanted was …”
PF: “All you wanted was to be a citizen of a truly independent and sovereign country, Neville. Take heart, it shall happen. As I have written many times over the years: ‘Never before have the stars of the Southern Cross been so aligned as now, pointing to the dawn of the Australian republic.’ The same applies to all in the Antipodes. We are brothers and sisters in arms, standing together, not only in the First World War but also in the Second World War as I noted in my book ‘Tobruk’. I know how it feels to be summarily dismissed and given your marching orders just like you were. My advice is to stand defiant and revel in your notoriety. As I am fond of saying, I am “tragically proud” of being the only Wallaby sent from the field against the All Blacks for violence.
NS: “All I wanted was …”
PF: “Learn from my example, Neville, learn. Who’d have thought that one day that big, bruising, hulk of a rugby player would be a guest reporter for a respected international current affairs program? When the executive producer rang me he said ‘Fitz, I know we at the ABC say there’s no more fat to cut, but would you like a gig?’ And I said ‘You’re dead right, mate: if everyone at the ABC is like the rest of Australia, they’ve read my book ‘The Great Aussie Bloke Slim-Down: How an Over 50 Former Footballer Went From Fat to Fit and Lost 40 Kilos’. Laugh!”
(Awkward silence)
PF: “Well that brings us to the end of this interview, Neville. Is there anything else you want to ask me?”
NS: “If I could just get a….”
PF: “Indeed you can, Neville, indeed you can. Here, especially for you, is a signed copy of my latest book ‘Monash’s Masterpiece: The Battle of Le Hamel and the 93 minutes that Changed the World’, published by Hachette Australia, available from all good bookshops.”
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