Ball tampering, and the needy, woe-is-me types, have no place in cricket

Cameron Bancroft is caught on camera stuffing sandpaper down his trousers.

You have to feel for Cameron Bancroft. Little did he know that by tampering with a cricket ball, he would unravel the fabric that holds society together.

“Dear Australian cricket team,” tweeted ABC’s Washington DC bureau chief Zoe Daniel last weekend.

“I teach my sport-loving son to win with honour and lose with grace. I’m now having to explain your behaviour. I can’t even begin to understand it. A Mum.”

Dear Australian cricket team; I teach my sport loving son to win with honour and lose with grace. I’m now having to explain your behaviour. I can’t even begin to understand it. A Mum.

— Zoe Daniel (@zdaniel) March 24, 2018

I can’t even begin to understand it, either — the reaction that is. “I feel so ashamed,” tweeted Fairfax journalist Latika Bourke. “This is not us,” she added sententiously, seemingly forgetting that the golden rule of journalism is ‘It’s never about you’.

I feel so ashamed. This is not us. 😔 https://t.co/iWXCIUpGQL

— Latika M Bourke (@latikambourke) March 24, 2018

“All of us are tarnished in the eyes of the world for what you and your leadership team did,” wrote ABC journalist Tracey Holmes. If there is anything that tarnishes journalistic objectivity, it is the self-indulgent open letter. “I’ve never seen such emotion and anguish on a national scale,” she said, adding hyperbole to high dudgeon.

Spare us. Yes, our cricketers were caught flouting the rules. Yes, they cheated. Yes, it warrants severe sanctions. But why the public wailing and the need to tell the world how much detriment this has caused to moi? We are talking about young men who are chosen for their amazing dexterity and accuracy in targeting a middle stump, and a superb eye-to-hand co-ordination in wielding the willow. They have a fierce competitiveness, a one-upmanship mentality, and a philosophy that bears little resemblance to Aristotelian ethics. Do not mistake their white outfits as a symbol of virginal purity.

As an aside, what is this phenomenon of journalists analysing events not just through the prism of self, but also their families? You may remember Daniel from 2016 in her coverage of the US presidential election. “Donald Trump’s victory has provoked fear and concern for some children,” she wrote. It turned out the basis for this story was an interview with her two children, then aged 9 and 8. As part of this scoop Daniel informed us that her daughter Pearl “has been worried about the wall between the US and Mexico, a cornerstone of Mr Trump’s campaign.” Hard-hitting stuff.

Former Fairfax columnist Mike Carlton also complained of the angst this would cause his nine year old son.

My 9yr old boy loves cricket and reveres Steve Smith and the Australian team. How am I going to tell him they are despicable cheats ? https://t.co/HdGQwgih1t

— Mike Carlton (@MikeCarlton01) March 24, 2018

“Australians want a cricket team renowned for its skills and sportsmanship,” he tweeted. “For generosity in victory and grace in defeat. Instead, we have a pack of spoiled brats, moaners and sledgers.”

Australians want a cricket team renowned for its skills and sportsmanship. For generosity in victory and grace in defeat. Instead, we have a pack of spoiled brats, moaners and sledgers. And now cheats.

— Mike Carlton (@MikeCarlton01) March 24, 2018

That is rich given Carlton is a daily crass sledger extraordinaire.

As for Carlton preaching about the need for others to show generosity in victory and graciousness in defeat, does he recall the Prime Minister’s Literary Awards of 2014? Carlton’s book First Victory: 1914: HMAS Sydney’s Hunt for the German Raider Emden was short-listed for the Australian History category, but the winner (joint) was Hal Colebatch’s Australia’s Secret War: How Unionists Sabotaged our Troops in World War II. So how did Carlton take defeat?

Not well. “No doubt I’ll be accused of sour grapes, but I intend to expose the Colebatch book for the drivel it is. Chapter and verse,” he angrily tweeted.

No doubt I'll be accused of sour grapes, but I intend to expose the Colebatch book for the drivel it is. Chapter and verse.

— Mike Carlton (@MikeCarlton01) December 8, 2014

According to him, the work was a “grubby little union-bashing book”, a “tissue of bias and invention”, a “right wing tract stiff with error and fantasy”. Do read on, for there are at least 20 of these teddy bear-throwing tweets, as well as a Crikey article written by Carlton bemoaning the injustice of it all. Aside from behaving like a spoiled brat and a moaner, he showed much graciousness in defeat.

As usual, the stench of sanctimony was at its strongest on Capital Hill. “Like all Australians, I can’t quite believe what we saw last night,” tweeted Opposition Leader Bill Shorten. “For the sake of all cricket lovers I hope Cricket Australia make it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable.”

Like all Australians, I can't quite believe what we saw last night. For the sake of all cricket lovers I hope Cricket Australia make it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable #SAvAUS #Auspol

— Bill Shorten (@billshortenmp) March 25, 2018

This, from a disingenuous opportunist who dispatched two prime ministers, and in the case of Julia Gillard’s downfall, publicly lied about having prior knowledge?

By contrast, Shorten is not so keen to highlight unacceptable behaviour on matters close to home. Last fortnight, Victorian ombudsman Deborah Glass revealed 23 state Labor MPs had improperly used $388,000 public funds for partisan campaigning in the ‘Rorts for Votes’ scheme. Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews claimed when the allegations were raised in 2015 that the “rules have been followed at all times”, yet his government spent more than $1 million challenging the Ombudsman’s report in the courts.

Instead of gratuitously tweeting his concern for the integrity of Australian cricket, Shorten — the member for Maribyrnong — might want to offer an opinion on Andrews’ stance that the release of the report signals “the end of the matter”. Does he really think his party is in a position to tell us what is and isn’t cricket?

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s shrill denunciation was equally risible. Not only was it a “shocking affront to Australia,” he claimed, but the practice of sledging “has got right out of control.”

“It should have no place on a cricket pitch,” he said. “I want to be very clear about this.” It brings to mind the image of an ageing, prissy schoolmaster who, having long lost control of his class, tries haplessly to convince angry parents that the students in fact respect and fear him. It also reeked of distraction tactics, especially seeing Turnbull as of this week has lost 29 consecutive Newspolls. One might ask him whether a test captain who has lost that many matches in a row is fit to continue.

You would think the opinions could not get more comical, but they did. ABC’s The Drum sought the perspective of a Human Resources expert, Avril Henry, on the subject of sledging. “This behaviour, if it happened in any other organisation, is bullying and you would get in trouble,” she said. “We think it’s unacceptable in workplaces. Well, sport is also a workplace.” Has she ever contemplated the fact this particular ‘workplace’ is an arena? What next, bullying and harassment officers at silly point?

“This behaviour, if it happened in any other organisation, is bullying and you would get in trouble. We think it’s unacceptable in workplaces. Well, sport is also a workplace” @avrilhenry on sledging in cricket #TheDrum pic.twitter.com/ileI8lZAQj

— ABC The Drum (@ABCthedrum) March 26, 2018

The truth is sledging and ball-tampering are ubiquitous in cricket. The former is a by-product — not necessarily an unhealthy one — of the game; the latter is a form of cheating that cricket bodies have insufficiently addressed. Perhaps this is the impetus for change. Whether the controversy warrants a national day of mourning and rocking in the foetal position is another thing. For starters, you wonder how many of the noisiest wailers are the cricket tragic types, or even take a remote interest in the game. Of those supporters, how many of them were truly disappointed, as opposed to being angry at the cricketers’ stupidity in being caught?

Smith, Bancroft and David Warner have received lengthy suspensions, and deservedly so. Warner will never hold a leadership role again and Cricket Australia has all but ensured Smith will never regain the captaincy. Do not be too fussed about our having lost face with the South Africans. Ball-tampering is bad, but it is nothing compared to the match-fixing scandal of 2000, an unseemly chapter in the Proteas’ history. On that note did you know that in 2004 the country voted the late Hansie Cronje, the former captain who was the face of the scandal, as the eleventh most admired South African?

As for those needy types telling the world about the woe this affair has caused them, worry not. If that is your biggest problem, you can just put it down to your having a disproportionately wide corridor of uncertainty.