An open letter to Peter FitzSimons, from ‘Peter FitzSimons’ aka The Mocker

Fairfax columnist Peter Fitzsimons. Photo: Peter Ristevski

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There’s an old man sitting next to me
And he looks like a loudmouth has-been

He said son can you play me a memory
I’m not really sure how it goes
But’s it’s all about Pete, who was so swift-of-feet
When he wore a Wallaby’s clothes

Sing us a song you’re Bandana Man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we’re all in the mood for a homily
From the man who can talk gigabytes.

Now Pete is a real life novelist
Who fortunately has a smart wife
Like most socialists lately
Pete loves the gravy
He’ll be riding on that train for life

And Pete waffles on with his politics
While the audience slowly gets stoned
Never heard one who’s so sanctimonious
I might take up drinking alone

It’s a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And Bandana Man gives us a smile
‘Cause he thinks that it’s he we’ve been coming to see
Talk his usual predictable bile

It’s Pedro, the great bearded barnacle!
With the microphone and trademark sneer
As for us at the bar, well we run near and far
Screaming ‘Please, anywhere man but here!’

My apologies to Billy Joel. This parody of his perennial classic was unforgivable, and I have no excuse for it other than steeling myself to write about Peter FitzSimons, Fairfax columnist, author, and self-appointed moral conscience of the nation. There were only two things I could do to stay focused: use humour, or stick a fork in my eye. Given he frequently pops up in this column, you will understand why I chose the former.

“Which brings us to Israel Folau’s comment on what will happen to gays,” wrote FitzSimons last week on the subject of the Waratahs player and fellow Australian rugby international. ‘‘‘HELL,’’ he tweeted, ‘‘Unless they repent of their sins and turn to God.’’’

“It’s hard to know where to start, is it not,” said FitzSimons. Not really. For starters, Folau’s inane comment was made on Instagram, not Twitter. “But whatever happens, you must reflect on the effect your words have most particularly on troubled teens — many of them, undoubtedly in your own community — struggling with their sexuality,” continued FitzSimons. “Do you know how those agonies must be compounded by a respected figure like yourself saying they deserve to burn for all eternity?”

This is sheer verballing. Folau never said gay people “deserved” such a fate. He was asked about the teachings of his deity, and he provided his interpretation. Criticise him for his crackpot theology by all means, but do not use it as excuse to vent your own prejudices by putting words in his mouth.

It is not the first time FitzSimons has bagged Folau for his Christian beliefs. “I love and respect all people for who they are and their opinions. but personally, I will not support gay marriage,” tweeted Folau last year during the same sex marriage survey.

I love and respect all people for who they are and their opinions. but personally, I will not support gay marriage.✌❤🙏

— Israel Folau (@IzzyFolau) September 13, 2017

Pretty innocuous, right? Not for FitzSimons, who ridiculed Folau, and patronised him in an open letter, continually referring to his first name.

“Look, you believe all that religious stuff, which is your perfect right,” he wrote. “And you can live by that. But is it not a tad presumptuous as to try and push that on the rest of us?” As racing commentator Richard Freedman said the next day, it was a tad hypocritical for FitzSimons to do exactly that while criticising Folau.

.@Peter_Fitz and @R1CHARDFREEDMAN got right into the SS-Marriage debate around sport. pic.twitter.com/p3mQWrRgxs

— Sports Sunday (@SportsSunday) September 17, 2017

FitzSimons, a strident atheist, would defend his gratuitous comments on the basis he has the right, as he says, to “blow raspberries” at religion. Indeed he does, but he is selective about which faith he bags. In 2016 he dedicated a column to NRL and Bulldogs player Will Hopoate, whose Mormon beliefs prevent him from playing or training on a Sunday. FitzSimons ridiculed Mormonism and Christianity in general, referring to Jesus Christ as “a cosmic Jewish zombie who is his own father”. Have you ever seen a FitzSimons column that sneered at a Muslim player for believing that a winged horse carried Prophet Muhammad from Mecca to Jerusalem?

How does one get through to one as obtuse as FitzSimons? Judging by the size of his ego, we can conclude the only person he would take notice of is himself. So here it is, an open letter to FitzSimons from himself:

Dear self,

We have to talk.

As you well know, I am your biggest admirer. Your achievements, although we know you are too modest to list them, are stupendous. A former sporting Adonis, you achieved new fame as a man of letters, at least in the quantity, if not quality, of books you have written. You also hold the Order of Australia. I dinkum dips me lid to you. Rah!

But despite the fact you regularly and loudly espouse fashionable and progressive principles, I can’t help thinking there’s an insincerity about you. I think you know what I mean. You’re forever deploring the intolerance of others, but no-one can sneer, condescend, harangue, and patronise like you do.

Perhaps you think being on the side of the angels releases you from the burden of tolerating those with different views. Certainly many of your inner-city readers would agree. But it doesn’t. Your manner is boorish and predictable, and you specialise in cheap shots.

Take for example your views on same sex marriage, of which you were one of the loudest supporters. Good for you. But remember when Margaret Court, Christian and tennis legend, spoke out for the ‘No’ camp? “Tennis is an inclusive game”, you wrote, ridiculing her beliefs. “Does Melbourne Park really want to have an arena named after someone who stands so firmly against such inclusiveness, who is becoming a byword for bigot?” That’s right, you immediately called for the Margaret Court Arena to be renamed. That’s not “blowing raspberries in her general direction” as you referred to it, Peter. That’s bullying.

In the case of Israel Folau, you were similarly intolerant. Instead of saying what you did, you could have, as an experienced sportsman who has also said some pretty dumb things in your youth, offered to meet with Folau and mentor him. But no, you had to rush to the keyboard and publicly denounce him to look good for your readers. I’m sure he appreciates your condescending ‘open letter’.

Can I ask, Peter, why you didn’t do the same to for a certain indigenous Muslim athlete who also opposes homosexuality? “I like Anthony Mundine!” you tweeted in 2013, “A very fine and admirable man.”

@GealeOrNoDeale I like Anthony Mundine! A very fine and admirable man.

— Peter FitzSimons (@Peter_Fitz) July 24, 2013

Where was your condemnation, Peter, when this very fine and admirable man starred on Network Ten’s show ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!’ this year and suggested that homosexuals should be executed? His comments were a lot more harmful than Court’s or Folau’s but they never made your column, despite your interest in the show. Why did you not, if Margaret Court is an example, call for the show to take action? Or would that have been slightly awkward given your wife, Lisa Wilkinson, had just joined the station?

You might also recall that in 2001 Mundine, citing his religion, said on national television that the 9/11 attacks were “not about terrorism”.

“America brought it upon themselves,” he stupidly added. Do you remember what you said at the time, Peter? “Disagree with great vigour with those views if you like,” you wrote, “but can we keep it in some kind of perspective?” Or this. “The outcry … has been nothing less than extraordinary … he has instantly become something close to public enemy No.1 simply on the strength of a couple of stray comments on a TV show.”

It gets better. You claimed this reaction was “reminiscent of McCarthyism,” plaintively asking “Aren’t we better than that?” And this: “The thing we have to remember, surely is that this was simply Mundine’s opinion, freely expressed.” For good measure you also cited Voltaire’s apocryphal saying.

So just to get this straight, Peter: you go the full Voltaire when a Muslim athlete on national television condones a terrorist atrocity in the name of religion. You stay silent when the same man suggests homosexuals should be executed. But if a Christian athlete so much as sends a tweet opposing same sex marriage or posts on Instagram what supposedly happens to gays in the afterlife, you publicly browbeat and belittle him, with the censoriousness of a firebrand preacher. THERE’S A WORD FOR THAT, AND IT’S CALLED ‘HYPOCRISY’ — GET IT?

Regards,

Fitz

P.S. You would be better off putting your considerable energies into the Australian Republic Movement, of which you are chair. Yes, I know you’re forever talking about the supposed “surge” in support for your movement, but did you know the latest Newspoll shows the number of Australians who oppose a republic is at its highest in 18 years? I have an idea for changing that, and it involves you losing the bandana attire and the bombastic attitude.

Incidentally, if you are reading this, Israel Folau, permit me to give you some advice. FitzSimons will be hosting a cruise on the Seine this year. Can you imagine being stuck on a boat with him for eleven days? Day 1: ‘Why we need a sugar tax.’ Day 2: ‘Selected readings from every book I’ve written.’ Day 3: ‘I’ve stopped playing rep football, so why should the government build new stadiums?’ Day 4: ‘Famous people I’ve known and befriended.’ Day 5: ‘Mike Baird was right to ban greyhound racing.’ Day 6: ‘Why we should ban boxing.’ Day 7: ‘Why you should, as I have, give up drinking.’ Day 8: ‘Religious people are bad because they try to ban things you enjoy doing.’ Mr Folau, my point is this: hell does exist, but it is a place here on earth.