The Sketch: in smilingly vengeful heaven, Kevin Rudd’s on cloud nine

Former PM Kevin Rudd at his book launch in Canberra yesterday. Picture: Kym Smith

Kevin Rudd will be silent no longer. Rising from his leather throne like an ebullient, silvery moon, the Wholly Roamin’ ­Emperor gazed upon the politicians and journalists gathered in Parliament House for the launch of his new memoir, and found his voice at last.

“I’ve already been the recipient of some colourful descriptions from some of my parliamentary colleagues over recent years about the events of June 2010 and since.

“I’ve basically sat down, shut up and said nothing since then,” he said, triggering a minor fluctuation in the air pressure around his former Labor colleagues.

Apres le silence, le deluge. Or as Rudd framed it: “But I’ve always said sooner or later I would put pen to paper.”

Cue a tome from which sledges against former comrades who wronged him have already been falling like manna from a smilingly vengeful heaven. It’s volume two, of course; when Rudd breaks his ­silence, he does so emphatically. Both sat next to each other in monumental stacks, each copy so hefty you could scoop it hollow and use it as a barn.

“This provides an alternative account to those who may have fashioned, shall I say, political ambition as something of a higher purpose,” he posited modestly.

His familiar tones filled the room with flashback and ­abundance.

He’d already been talking quite a while when, ominously, he started to sound like he was just settling in.

As a general rule, ­people who write by the kilogram don’t give short speeches.

Rudd was not content to merely provide quantity — he delivered quality, too. “I was into it like a rat up a drainpipe” was his latest ­addition to his stockpile of rodent-based ­expressions. He gave perspective: “It’s not pleasant under a bus. I’ve been there.”

He described his “Rudd rule” — which made it harder for Labor to roll a leader — as a “speed bump”. (Fine if they’re in a rush, but what if they want to do you slowly?)

Generously, he suggested Julie Bishop propose something similar to her party and call it the Bishop rule.

“You’re not being helpful, Kevin,” Bishop replied to the man who was here to help.

Rupert Murdoch was not forgotten, nor his publications — including this one. Then there were Rudd’s thoughts on Newspoll leading to “almost a fortnightly bout of political constipation”.

In his book, Rudd reflects on how one Newspoll “put a spring in my step”, which, as reactions to constipation go, is exotic.

As any decent author would tell you, what’s really important is what you leave out.

Yesterday, his warm words about Ken Henry staving off the global financial crisis featured a Wayne Swan-shaped hole as ­perfect as if the former treasurer had run through a cartoon wall.

Come the press conference at the end, the Rudd wrangler had an uphill battle dragging her charge back to signing duties.

Kevin07 is on cloud nine, and if there’s ever talk of a third volume, it won’t be an idle threat.