What are Labor and Bill Shorten really promising to do for me?

At this time of the year our neighbour’s wonderful plane tree sheds an enormous amount of leaves. They fill the backyard, block the gutters and get trampled throughout the house.

The kids trip over the conkers and we can hear them dropping onto the car all night. When it rains the leaves become mush and make the pavers slippery.

The council, which forces us to have four different rubbish bins (paper recyclable, glass and plastic recyclables, landfill rubbish and vegetable waste) only collects the green bin about once a month. So it is filled with leaves, while we rake the rest of them into a pile and, really, for about eight weeks, we just feel we are overwhelmed by leaves.

My question is; what is Bill Shorten going to do to help me.

Sometimes late at night, after a busy day writing editorials, talking to politicians, writing columns, running the kids around, hosting television shows and finally settling down to a late dinner and glass of wine, I like to watch something relaxing on television.

There is always some Seinfeld to be found somewhere on Foxtel, or a wildlife documentary, but what I would really like is to see some of those old Norman Gunston Shows. They must be in the ABC archives somewhere. — perhaps The Aunty Jack Show too. And would it really hurt the national broadcaster to pull out some old series like Bush Tucker Man and that nature show by Jack Absalom?

What is Shorten going to do about this?

Okay he found more than $20 million for the ABC to put more women’s sport on television so he has made a start. It must have been impossible for the ABC to run women’s sport until now; I mean it only has four television stations, a dozen radio networks and unlimited online content plus a budget of about $1,100 million a year.

Now, finally, thanks to Shorten, we will see women’s sport on television — well some more at least, because Channel Nine just signed a major netball deal and Channel Seven has been showing women’s footy. Oh, and I do see the Williams sisters playing tennis now and then, and in the Olympics, occasionally, you see women.

Still, Shorten really needs to lift his game. There are a whole range of irritants in my life that he is refusing to address.

What about the inconsistent spiciness of those Chilli chips? Sometimes the kids can share them and then other times they go red in the face and need a drink of water.

The other weekend, we decided to download a movie to watch with the kids and it took almost 20 minutes. I think we were doing it right but if we weren’t, why wouldn’t the government make it simpler? What is the point of broadband without lessons?

It’s great that Shorten is going to make sure all the kids get free swimming lesson but who does he expect to buy the bathers? And the goggles? Surely at some stage in this election campaign Labor will promise to home deliver swimming goggles for all school age kids. Go the Full Goggle.

Look, I know Shorten says he’s got my education covered, and my health care needs. Sure, he’s going to build roads, sports stadiums and rail lines. He’s going to give more money to the UNHCR and he’s going to give us lots more renewable energy to save the planet.

And okay, he’s going to give me fast broadband, teach the kids to swim and put more sportswomen on television.

But apart from that, what are Labor and Bill Shorten really promising to do for me?