Joy to the world, unless you live in a green-left enclave

Even atheists must pray for the silliness to stop when carols are rewritten with anti-coal lyrics.

Darebin mayor Susan Rennie. Picture: Andy Brownbill.

In the inner-northern suburbs of Melbourne where the political contests are fought between Labor and the Greens, Bob Brown and Julia Gillard are secular saints and the only camels are the thirsty ­labels on drive-in bottlos, there are still enough wise people of no ­specific gender to find time for Christmas. Well, when I say Christmas, I mean carols, community and celebration — the mayor’s welcome in the songbook for Darebin City Council’s Carols in All Nations event doesn’t actually mention Christmas.

“Welcome to Carols in All Nations! This much-loved event has been running for a long time and at its heart is a celebration of community,” Susan Rennie’s message reads. “I encourage you to sing along and immerse yourself in the joy of singing with your fellow community members, in a fun and inclusive way, to celebrate the end of the year.”

OK, so they are carols and they are celebrating the end of the year. We get it — even when it provides traditional holidays and festivities, overt Christianity doesn’t convey the virtue-signalling tolerance some people are after. Sure, it is kinda cool to celebrate Eid al-Fitr or Deepavali and perhaps join the odd smoking ceremony but Christmas is not woke.

Still, even some of the most dogmatic atheists love carols. Carols are fun. And people love to get together at this time of year. What to do? Talk about your existential, secular, First World, inner-city, green-left quandary.

Darebin has found the answer. “You’ll notice this year we’ve included the addition of Carols against Coal,” continues Mayor Rennie, “sung by the Harmony for Humanity Choir.” I kid you not.

“Raising awareness of and taking action on the climate emergency is a significant priority for council, and as such council will use as many opportunities as possible to have that conversation with the community. We encourage you to sing out loud for strong ­action on the climate emergency and the restoration of a safe ­climate!” she concludes.

Now at this stage you might be a doubting Thomas but believe me, I have the songbook and you can touch it (well, Google it). And as much as I wish I could deny this three times before the cock crows, the reality is that this is your country in AD 2018.

This singalong was last weekend. Where once we burned frankincense, now we sing with religious zeal against the burning of fossil fuels. Hark the Herald (and Age)-reading angels sing.

The host for the night was Mama Alto, a “gender transcendent diva”. The program told us Mama is a “non-binary trans femme” and a “queer person of colour” but didn’t mention what songs she sang.

The Hecklers for Humanity, sorry, Harmony for Humanity Choir, we are told, was “born as a result of local community members identifying that they wanted to do something positive for refugees and asylum-seekers” living in the community. Just how the “Carols against Coal” would help refugees, I am unsure. But let me share some with you.

Sung to the tune of O Come all ye Faithful was “O come all ye ­miners” — sounds pretty joyful and triumphant.

“O come all ye miners. Come and dig up Queensland. The Galilee’s waiting for your heavy machines. Where will you burn coal? Renewables are coming. It’s all about the ­climate, It’s all about the climate, It’s all about the climate that we must protect.”

Part of me wants to complete this column as a podcast so we can all sing the carols-cum-protest songs in four-part harmony. But ever since Sister ­Domenica asked me to refrain from singing in grade three because I was putting the class off-tune, my ­enthusiasm for the ethereal uplift of song has been tempered by the constraints of earthen reality. You’ll just have to hum along yourselves.

Try this one (if you guess the tune it must be a numerological sign you will vote Green): “Silent night, smoky night, coal fired power, coal fired light. Governments have failed us now. Politicians, they don’t know how. Still coal exports go on, still coal ­exports go on.” I don’t know about you but sometimes I think kids get a bit too much comfort at Christmas. You know, all that parental care and unconditional love. So thankfully the activists of Darebin have injected into Away in a Manger just a little bit of fear and loathing to toughen up the youngsters.

“Away in the Arctic, the glaciers melt; the ice turns to water. The warming is felt by bears on their ice floes drifting off where they’re blown; disconnected from food stocks, poor bears, all alone.”

So cheery, it is, after all, the season of goodwill. The Haranguers for Humanity, sorry, Harmony for Humanity had two versions of that song to ensure the children know it’s not just polar bears suffering: “Away in the future, no country or bed, the small island nations disputed, and said, “Those coal pumping powers concerned with their wealth have left us to pay with our homes and our health.”

It is enough to burst the CO2 bubbles in your prosecco. I can’t wait to hear what these people sing on Good Friday.

There was at least one attempt to lift the mood. The choral crusaders used Deck the Halls for a bit of a path to heavenly bliss.

“Deck the State with solar panels. Fa la la la la la la la la. Energy from hydro channels. Fa la la la la la la la la. Don we now these protest banners. Fa la la la la la la la la. Stop the mines on lands of farmers. Fa la la la la la la la la.”

Think of all those solar panels glistening in the winter snow. Till Rudolph stomps a hoof through one of them. Better hope there’s enough lithium battery power to warm up the eggnog.

But Histrionics for Humanity, sorry, Harmony for Humanity again went for the kiss of doom beneath the mistletoe to crush the last trace of childish optimism and make sure Christmas seems like Halloween with ham.

“See the blazing coal before us, Fa la la la la la la la la. It’s no good so join the chorus. Fa la la la la la la la la. Fast away our time here passes, Fa la la la la la la la la. Ere the climate risks the masses. Fa la la la la la la la la.”

We ought be grateful to make it to Boxing Day. Joy to the World is a favourite of mine, a marriage of the terrestrial and celestial as we let “heaven and nature sing”. At least the Hystericals for Humanity, sorry, Harmony for Humanity crew didn’t turn this one into a dirge.

“Cool down the world, the time has come for targets tight and fair. Let petrol, oil and coal prepare to go. Let’s fund renewables, let’s fund ­renewables, let’s fund, let’s fund ­renewables. Cool down the world, the time has come for nature to ­rebound. The fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains repeat the sounding joy, repeat the sounding joy, repeat, repeat the sounding joy.”

With such glee for funding, the lyricists might have wished us all a very poor Christmas but they had other ideas for that particular song: “We wish you a steady ­climate, we wish you a steady ­climate, we wish you a steady ­climate and a happy new year.”

You will be pleased to know that later in the program a Christian band played some traditional carols. There was even mention of angels, Bethlehem and baby Jesus. They squeezed in the John Lennon classic: “So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun.”

Then, no doubt, the crowd dispersed under the streetlights to the cars, buses, trains and trams, taking families back to their televisions, computers, microwaves and airconditioners where they could feed their pets, plan their holiday travels and have a merry Christmas. Hypocrites for Humanity, sorry, Harmony for Humanity are coming to a carols night near you.