The Sketch: Staring at goats: methane and other political emissions

Joel Fitzgibbon and Barnaby Joyce during an impromptu debate in the Canberra press gallery corridor on Monday. Picture: ABC

“I challenge those opposite to … look a steer or a wether in the eye and say, ‘How are you going to stop your methane production?’ ” Michael McCormack yelled across the chamber during question time on Monday.

A wether, for the uninformed, is a castrated male sheep.

Is this the Nationals leader’s take on men who stare at goats? Albeit in fart joke form?

Forget Labor’s zero net emissions target by 2050. When will a politician be brave enough to stand up and declare a zero net rear end emissions target? And a policy to lower gas (prices)?

When this columnist bailed up MickMack outside question time for a demonstration, he went full Crocodile Dundee. “Of course I’ve looked a steer in the eye, I grew up on a farm!” Then the Deputy Prime Minister contorted himself, leaning forward and pointing at his eyes, then mine — “Don’t show panic, don’t show fear. Do what Dundee did, stare it down.”

Tragically, nothing on how to stop cattle from passing wind. But there was a lot of hot air during Barnaby Joyce and Joel Fitzgibbon’s seven-minute yelling match in front of the entire press gallery.

The transcript includes Joyce “(chanting and making a grabbing motion) reach out, reach out, reach out!” And this:

Fitzgibbon: “How can a Labor government work with you?”

Joyce: “They’re gonna.”

Fitzgibbon: “To help you meet your aspirations?”

Joyce: “What a load of rubbish!”

Fitzgibbon: “That makes a lot of sense, Barnaby.”

Joyce: “What an absolute load of pig manure!”

The best and brightest were on the climate case. Sans bovines breaking wind.

Luckily, resident Coalition scientist Craig Kelly has also been making some calculations: “This (zero net emissions by 2050) is an economic suicide note for the ­nation … I did a rough calculation, if we close down all our coal, oil and gas we would need about 140 medium-sized nuclear power stations to replace our fossil fuel ­industry.”

Again, no mention of bovine flatulence. Come on, Craig! If anyone knows about hot air, it’s the member for Hughes.

Instead, we had to source some suppression tips from the CSIRO.

“Livestock unfortunately also bring with them a gassy problem,” its website informs us.

“Methane from burps and farts is a greenhouse gas 28 times more powerful than carbon dioxide. More than 20 per cent of the world’s entire total of greenhouse gas emissions come from livestock production, and in Australia the contribution of methane emissions from ruminant livestock is approaching 10 per cent of total greenhouse emissions.”

The solution? A sea-based ­solution that reduces cattle farts by more than 80 per cent! “Our scientists have developed a cost-effective seaweed feed additive called FutureFeed which uses a variety of Australian seaweed that significantly reduces their methane emissions and has potential to increase livestock productivity.”

But back to MickMack, who wrapped up question time by claiming Labor wanted to “impose a carbon tax to make it harder for farmers and truckies to deliver everything in this nation, except babies”. Babies, the most notorious wind passers of them all.