The Sketch: Speaking of celebs, look who came to town

Peter Garrett in question time on Wednesday. Picture: Getty Images

The timing couldn’t have been better. As Scott Morrison spruiked his $1.2bn package that “will see Australians getting in the air”, who was watching on? Chopper cheerleader Bronwyn Bishop.

The former Iron Speaker cast a formidable shadow as she watched her successor Tony Smith fail to boot a single person from the chamber. During Bishop’s peak, she was punting 18 ­Laborites per day. It was 50 Shades of 94a!

A herculean effort only Bishop could have made look so effortless. She scored 400 sin bin hits, including a few regrettable incidents of friendly fire, during her one year and 263 days on the throne. (For those looking for the full figures, 393, or 98.25 per cent, were from the red corner and seven from the blue).

With such high-flying political royalty in attendance (Peter Garrett was also there, but we doubt the Midnight Oil frontman would have much of an impact on the frontbench), the government couldn’t help but elevate their Dorothy Dixers.

Trade Minister Dan Tehan put on his pilot’s hat to launch a fire sale for tickets that aren’t on sale yet. “Can I tell the house that the reception there of our package on the Gold Coast was huge. Absolutely huge,” he declared grandly.

And for tourism operators who missed out, Tehan found an extra $12m in the budget for “new photography and video material”.

But wait … there’s more! “Following the announcement, the bookings that we have already seen on our major airlines has been quite extraordinary. They’re booking airline tickets like they haven’t been booked in the past 12 months, and our discount tickets haven’t even started.”

Bronwyn Bishop in question time on Wednesday. Picture: Getty Images

Tehan was producing so much hot air he was in danger of floating away and breaking the chamber’s glass ceiling (finally!). Speaker Smith took the opportunity to give a tepid rap on the knuckles to Labor MP Joanne Ryan.

“The minister will pause. Member for Lalor. I couldn’t have been more clear last time,” a calm Smith said. “The minister has the call.”

Hardly the kind of stuff to leave comrades shaking in their boots or stop the mighty Wannon River flow.

 “And while you’ve got some spare time, book a ticket,” Tehan cheered. “Take a trip. Do your patriotic duty — 46,000 tickets available! 46,000 tickets available each week, every week.”

Is he earning a commission from each ticket?

Conveniently, Irish-born Qantas boss Alan Joyce was also in the building — for a Business Council of Australia breakfast, not St Patrick’s Day knees-up. The parliamentary harps were few and far between, so Michael McCormack waved his green tie aloft in a tenuous link to infrastructure. “Many of those Irish people came to regional areas,” he said. “They came and they forged an existence out of regional Australia because they knew that their future lay in those rural and regional areas, and good on them.”

Play of the day goes to this absolute ripper from transcription service Tveeder, putting dope words in Speaker Smith’s mouth. “The member for Bong man will have the call when he gets to the microphone.” The member for Longman, Terry Young, provided this explanation for his tardiness: “Dodgy knee there.”