The Sketch: Ringside at rumble in press gallery jungle

Liberal member for Hughes Craig Kelly and Labor’s Sydney MP Tanya Plibersek at Parliament House on Wednesday. Picture: Getty Images

Good evening and welcome to the rumble in the press gallery jungle! A thrilla in vanilla that promises to be a toe-the-line classic in every sense of the word. Forget Barnaby “Beetroot” Joyce v Joel “The Coal” Fitzgibbon … This is the Real Julia deal!

Tonight’s prize? Eternal glory! Sorry, that’s a typo. The winner can choose between a PM-backed Liberal preselection in the blue ribbon seat of Hughes, a Labor leadership spill and Pizza Hut voucher. Let’s meet our heavyweight contenders!

In the red corner, weighing in at eight parliamentary terms is Tanya “Africa Is A Country” Plibersek. Hailing from Sydney, the southpaw is the second longest-serving women in the Canberra Bubble™ who once adopted a rat abandoned during a prank by The Chaser.

In the blue corner, weighing in at four parliamentary terms, and he drove himself here from the Sutherland Shire, it’s Craig “I’m No Anti Vaxxer” Kelly. The most trusted man in misinformation that former justice minister Michael Keenan once said had “personally shown me the effects of illicit drugs”.

Referee: “I want a good clean fight, nothing below the latte belt. Let’s get ready to rumble!”

Kelly starts with a wry smile. “You making any big announcements?”

Plibersek beat him to the punch: “I’m telling them the PM needs to stop you spreading crazy conspiracy theories.”

Then she hit him with the family card: “My Mum lives in your electorate.” “OK,” he replied. “And I don’t want her exposed to people who are not going to be vaccinated because of these crazy conspiracy theories that you’re spreading.”

Liberal member for Hughes Craig Kelly and Labor’s Sydney MP Tanya Plibersek at Parliament House on Wednesday. Picture: Getty Images

Kelly rolled with the punches: “You’re the one spreading misinformation.”

Plibersek had him on the ropes: “So your Prime Minister is wrong, is he?”

“No, the Prime Minister is 100 per cent right.”

“He agrees with you?”

“I’m saying you’re wrong,” Kelly countered.

“Scott Morrison agrees with you, does he Craig?” she jabbed.

“Listen, listen, listen to … my Prime Minister will speak for himself. Listen to the words of our most senior immunologist,” Kelly flailed.

Plibersek was relentless: “Does the Prime Minister agree with your Craig?”

“I don’t know, you’d have to ask the Prime Minister.”

“Does he support you spreading this stuff?”

“I’m not spreading anything. You and the people in the Labor Party spreading smear and slime and innuendo. It has to stop.”

At this stage, he may as well have thrown in the towel.

Plibersek’s killer instinct kicked in. “I agree with your Prime Minister and your Health Minister. Do you?”

Kelly: “Of course I agree with my Prime Minister and my Health Minister.”

Plibersek: “So people should get vaccinated?”

“Of course, Tanya, everyone should go to their doctor,” a punch-drunk Kelly replied. “Young children, Tanya, should not wear masks.”

Plibersek threw her hands in the air. Ding, ding, ding! Saved by the bell. And the loser is … Anthony Albanese.