The Sketch: MPs miss the boat for our coronavirus ‘Dunkirk moment’

A social distancing fail as MPs enter the chamber. Picture: Gary Ramage

There’s never been a more exciting time to find out which of our 227 federal politicians (151 MPs and 76 senators) are “essential” or “non-essential” to democracy!

Just 54 lower house MPs scored an invite to witness — spaced 1.5m apart, of course, in allocated seats marked by name-tag stickers — what Attorney-General Christian Porter has dubbed our “Dunkirk moment”, the $130bn COVID-19 lifeboat.

“The challenge in that analogy is that they are still leaving a million casualties on the beach,” Labor’s Tony Burke retorted.

Politicians have been deemed “essential” workers and are exempt from any travel bans or hard borders. But some will have to quarantine for two weeks upon their return, via taxpayer-funded RAF flights or solo road trips. Those in contact with regional communities weren’t allowed to attend — that ruled out anyone from the Northern Territory.

And “elderly members” were encouraged to stay home. “It will be the boomer-remover parliament,” one Labor wag offered, tongue firmly in cheek. Obviously no one told 64-year-old Father of the House (the nickname given to the longest-serving MP) Liberal Kevin Andrews. He was there. But 62-year-old Tasmanian Liberal Eric Abetz stayed home. As did 65-year-old One Nation leader Pauline Hanson, 65-year-old Labor senator Don Farrell, 64-year-old Labor senator Kim Carr and 72-year-old West Australian Labor senator Pat Dodson —the oldest member of the upper house.

So, who else made it into the slightly deflated Canberra Bubble?

There were 24 from NSW; 18 from Victoria; four from Queensland; three from WA; two from South Australia; two from Tasmania; and one from the ACT — a few more than the 31 required to form a quorum.

Members remember to cleanse. Picture: Getty Images

On the frontbench: Prime Minister Scott Morrison, Deputy PM Michael McCormack, Speaker Tony Smith, Porter, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg and ministers Greg Hunt, Dan Tehan, Stuart Robert, Paul Fletcher, Sussan Ley, Darren Chester, Alan Tudge, Michael Sukkar and Mark Coulton. Notable cabinet absences include: conspicuously quiet Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton, Energy Minister Angus Taylor, Agriculture Minister David Littleproud, Science Minister Karen Andrews, gaffe-prone Defence Industry Minister Melissa Price, Resources Minister Keith Pitt, and Indigenous Affairs Minister Ken Wyatt.

Morrison faction member and International Development Minister Alex Hawke was also among those MIA.

But the PM’s right-hand man, Ben Morton,made the guest list. As did Barnaby backer and now surprise deputy speaker, Llew O’Brien.

Stuck sitting in the additional row of chairs (“the cheap seats,” one MP joked) behind the normal green benches were vocal question time performers modern Liberal Tim Wilson, Dave Sharma, Trent Zimmerman and Jason Falinski.

Anthony Albanese and Scott Morrison keep their distance. Picture: AAP

Other outspoken backbenchers George Christensen, Barnaby Joyce and Craig Kelly didn’t score an invite and were forced to live-stream proceedings from home.

Anthony Albanese led Labor’s team of 21 including Richard Marles, Jim Chalmers, Mark Butler, Tony Burke, Bill Shorten, Tanya Plibersek, Linda Burney, Chris Bowen, Catherine King, Julie Collins, Brendan O’Connor, Madeleine King, Jason Clare and the solo ACT rep Andrew Leigh.

Surprisingly, Labor’s resident QC, 63-year-old Mark Dreyfus, and coal hugger Joel Fitzgibbon didn’t make the cut.

There were just three on the crossbench: Greens leader Adam Bandt, the independent for Indi Helen Haines and Warringah’s own Zali Steggall.

Maverick Queenslander Bob Katter, 74, the oldest politician in parliament, opted out. He’s too busy filming his new web series featuring gardening, rifle-cleaning and cooking tips.

Centre Alliance MP Rebekha Sharkie stayed in Adelaide. She wrapped up two weeks of self-imposed isolation on Tuesday, sparked by her last trip to Canberra, while Centre Alliance senator Rex Patrick made an appearance in question time.