The Sketch: How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

Liberal MP Craig Kelly during question time on Tuesday. Picture: Gary Ramage

(Voice over) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the question time stage … the Von Trapp Antibody Singers with their latest single, How Do You Solve A Problem Like Craig Kelly? Take it away!

He super spreads with QAnon and drinks kool aide with flair.

He thinks face masks are child abuse and tweets it from the stair.

And underneath his MAGA hat, he has Ivermectin in his hair!

I even heard he won’t accept the vaccine.

He’d storm the US Capitol; let Marxists get the blame.

He doesn’t like Victoria, said “Nazi Germany” was the same.

I hate to have to say it, but I very firmly feel, Craig is not an asset to the party (gasp!)

(Facebook trolls interject) I’d like to say a word on his behalf. Craig makes me laugh!

(Chorus) How do you solve a problem like Craig Kelly?

How do you catch fake news and pin it down?

How do you find a word that means Craig Kelly?

A hydroxychloroquine twit? A will-o’-the Whip? A COVID clown?

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him. Many a thing he ought to understand.

But how do you make him stay. And listen to all you say?

How do you keep preselectors on the sand?

How do you solve a problem like Craig Kelly?

How do you hold Pete Evans’ COVID light in your hand?

(Bridge) When I hear him I’m confused, out of focus and bemused, and I never know exactly where I am (1984?)

(Liberal backbench) More predictable than weather. It is not changing, and will never!

(Labor backbench) He’s a danger! He’s a demon!

(Greens) He eats lamb!

(Labor) He’d outpester any pest. Drive a hornet from its nest. He could be the key to making ScoMo lose.

(Liberals) He is gentle!

(Labor) He is wild!

(Liberals) He’s a riddle!

(Labor) He’s a child!

(Scott Morrison) He’s not my doctor, he’s not yours. He’s a good member for Hughes!

(Once more with feeling!) How do you solve a problem like Craig Kelly?

How do you socially distance from the crown?

How do you find a word that means Craig Kelly?

A hydroxychloroquine twit? A will-o’-the Whip? A COVID clown!

Many a thing Brendan Murphy’s had to tell him. Many a thing his colleagues understand.

But how do you make him stay. And listen to all you say?

How do you stop him comparing the World Economic Forum’s post-COVID reconstruction to Pol Pot’s Cambodian genocide? And accusing the chief medical officers of “crimes against humanity”? And convince him the vaccine isn’t just a scheme to make Bill Gates even richer? And pauses his podcasts with anti-vaxxers and disgraced TV chefs? And just stick to coronavirus treatments that have been approved by Paul Kelly (no relation) and the Therapeutic Goods Administration?

Oh! How do you solve a problem like Craig Kelly?

How do you keep a lower house majority in your hand?

(With sincere apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein; the Von Trapp Family Singers; and the entire cast of the Sound of Music — past, present and future.)