The Sketch: Full of beans over $400,000 press gallery hole in wall

The press gallery’s new coffee kiosk. Picture: AAP

How much would it cost to design, plan and build a hole-in-the-wall coffee kiosk?

In the taxpayer-funded Canberra bubble, slightly over $391,000. According to Department of Parliamentary Services Secretary Rob Stefanic, that’s “well below” the $538,000 originally estimated for the press gallery’s caffeine upgrade.

Labor senator Kimberley Kitching observed the cost was equivalent to more than “100,000 cups of coffee” — which incidentally retail at the kiosk for $3.60 (regular) and $4.10 (large). With an extra 60c for soy or almond milk. By our calculation, it’s also 97,750 $4 fruit cups, 78,200 $5 lamb sausage rolls and 65,166 $6 triangle sandwiches (ham, cheese, tomato/egg salad/chicken avocado).

Stefanic’s retort? “That’s about a year’s worth of sales, so as a return on investment that’s actually not bad.”

Kitching queried: “There is some commentary about the queue for the coffee hub obstructing the lifts. Was that thought about in the design?”

Stefanic replied: “It shouldn't because there is a tensile barrier system in place that sends it down the corridor so it should not occur.”

Tensile, for the uninformed, relates to tension. AKA what I feel every morning when I emerge from the lift and see unruly queues outside this coffee kiosk.

Down the corridor, the Senate estimates divine comedy continued. The AFP didn’t interview Energy Minister Angus Taylor, his office or Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore. Parliament House is fending off sophisticated cyber attacks on a daily basis. Scott Morrison’s department confirmed he returned from his secret Hawaiian holiday only one day earlier than planned to deal with the bushfires. And t he investi-Gaetjens didn’t interview the Prime Minister’s office, despite sending 136 emails about the 28 versions of the pork-barrelling spreadsheet.

“The Prime Minister could walk on water and you’d say, ‘Why can’t he swim?’,’’ Finance Minister Mathias Cormann declared, going biblical. “You might think he can, mate, but he doesn’t,” Labor senator Penny Wong replied, raising an eyebrow.

“Order, order,” Liberal senator James Paterson interjected.

Wong continued to wax lyrical about the man nicknamed the Messiah from the Shire: “He doesn’t walk on water. In fact, he’s been a very naughty boy.” The reference to Monty Python’s Life of Brian was met with loud guffaws from Coalition pollies in the room.

Cormann has obviously been working on his one-liners. He also threw out this deflection during the robust pork sports rorts yelling match: “If Scott Morrison cured cancer, you’d accuse him of putting doctors out of work.”

Jokes aside, let’s turn to question time, where birthday boy Anthony Albanese had the call.

“My question is to the Prime Minister. Today the minister representing the Prime Minister told the Senate that the cabinet office policy committee is made up of just one permanent member — the Prime Minister.

“Can the Prime Minister advise in relation to this one-man cabinet committee: do the committee’s discussions take long? Is there a lot of disagreement in this committee? And are the meetings of this committee held in the Prime Minister’s head?” the Labor leader asked.

Morrison was in no laughing mood. He informed the house that he regularly invites Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack, Josh Frydenberg and Attorney-General Christian Porter to join him for meetings of his secret one-man committee, nicknamed COP. Apt, given he is the son of one.