Seeing red as Greens (colour) blindly make murky transformation

Choose your pronoun and bicycle into a new Green landscape, where it’s OK if trees are lost to bike lanes, loyalty is demanded, and drab khakis are ditched for the blood red hue of a politically correct future, writes Jack the Insider.

Greens leader Larissa Waters, and ousted co-founder Drew Hutton. Pictures: News Corp

I fret for the red-green colour-vision deficient members of the Australian Greens. It will be almost impossible for them to know what has been going on.

The Greens stand for the disabled, with the possible exception of the elderly who have had it too good for too long.

But is red-green colour blindness a genuine disability? I put it to the state council, which voted 10-2 in favour of the colour compromised.

Bellatrix tacked on a motion expelling some old bludgers for grizzling about the environment despite – and the motion made this very clear – the Australian Greens acknowledging and respecting these old blokes’ innate rights to carry a foetus and call themselves pregnant persons at the appropriate juncture.

The Australian Greens have changed and the more we change, the more we want people to stay the same.

It makes it so much easier to root out middle-class traitors that way.

We expect the rank and file to embrace change, a shift from the drab khakis and olives of yesteryear to the blood-red hue of the future.

We have established a subcommittee to change the party logo to something in a deep scarlet. I think something with stars on it, don’t you? Hammers and sickles are so working class.

The Australian Greens are the party of Indigenous Australians although we don’t see so many of them around these days. We respect and acknowledge their rights, if only we knew what they were. Lidia Thorpe tried to tell us once but she started shouting and we were all too scared to listen.

Out: Greens co-founder Drew Hutton. Picture: AAP

If you hear from an Indigenous Australian, please tell them we’d love to hear from them.

We haven’t had a welcome to country in months and none of us feels comfortable leaving Stanmore lest we be accused of trespass. Pogrom is such a loaded term but we’re going to run with it because we can’t think of anything else.

We figured we’d sneak up on the rank and file during a welcome to country and subject them to a round of loyalty oaths, each one demanding more loyalty than the last.

Better Google up something that will really have our followers feeling faithful.

Let’s see now. “I pledge unto God” – no. God has no place in the Australian Greens and when I look at the minutes I see he was expelled under standing order 41 for sexism. If we want monotheism, why can’t our god be a Green?

“I solemnly swear” – too grim. Dammit, that’s it. I’m fresh out of ideas. Does anyone know how to use AI? Why, thank you, Juno.

Now this does look interesting: “As a citizen of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, joining the ranks of the Workers’ and Peasants’ Red Army, I do hereby take the oath of allegiance and do solemnly vow to be an honest, brave, disciplined and vigilant fighter, to guard strictly all military and state secrets, to obey implicitly all army regulations and orders of my commanders, commissars and superiors. If through evil intent I break this solemn oath, then let the stern punishment of Soviet law, and the universal hatred and contempt of the working people, fall upon me.”

Maybe swap Soviet for state council and cut where it says military and state and replace it with the NSW Greens. I mean, we have always been held in contempt by working people, so that bit works.

Former federal Greens leader Bob Brown. Picture”: Nikki Davis-Jones

Overall, I think it sets the right tone. Of course anyone who refuses to take the oath will be brought before the state conflict resolution committee for summary termination. Their membership, I mean. Their member­ship will be terminated.

Still, the Australian Greens have vast ambitions. We must dream big.

Oh, I almost forgot. Acceptable pronouns across the rank and file are “xe/xem/xyr” or “ze/hir/hirs”, and whatever our comrade lesbian pansexuals opt to use.

For our enemies who liken the current purges to Logan’s Run for septuagenarians, I say just look at our party founder, Bob Brown, who as we all know has every right to gestate a foetus in his chest cavity. He is our party elder. He’s like 112 or something. Eighty, thank you, Amelia. And he’s a doctor although he has been unable to provide me with inner peace the way my aromatherapist does.

I feel so strongly about this that I am prepared to put it to the council by way of a motion, if I have a seconder. Thank you, Esmerelda. I move that we acknowledge Bob’s efforts to look more and more like a lesbian in sensible shoes who runs an antiques and collectibles shop in Bowral every day, as well as his inalienable right to fall pregnant at any time without judgment.

Bob’s great. It’s just that the other oldies have gone past their use-by dates and frankly we’ve grown tired of their moaning about the environment. Did you know, some of these old greybeards have never even been to Leichhardt? Their activism is an anachronism. Not one of them even bothered to involve themselves in the long, bloody battle to install speed humps along Reynolds Street in Balmain. Not one.

I put it to you now that today’s Australian Greens care for the environment, maybe not in Annandale where a few eucalyptus trees will have to make way for a new cycle path. Chainsaws were once our bitter enemies but not now. Driving is genocide, comrades. And don’t forget the last capitalist we hang will be the one who sold us the One Planet T-shirt made in China.

I think we still have a quorum, comrades. I’d like to propose another motion. Old and green should never be seen but angry, cultish and red is the Australian Greens dream.

Do I have a seconder?