ScoMo gives thanks to the ‘friends’ who made victory possible
It’s only right that Morrison pay tribute to the outspoken Australians who made it all possible.
That part of Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s victory speech you never got to hear*:
“Friends, I have given due credit to those in the Coalition camp who helped return us to government. Now I intend acknowledging the efforts of those outside the tent who did the same, albeit inadvertently.
“First and foremost, Bill Shorten. Thank you for your incessant and snide references to the ‘top end of town’. You reinforced the message the Labor Party philosophy of the twenty-first century is one of envy and resentment when it comes to private enterprise and self-sufficiency. Remember last year when you boasted to Arnold Schwarzenegger “I’m gonna be the next Prime Minister of Australia”? To quote The Terminator, “Get out”.
“Zali Steggall, I thought after this election I would have to resolve the difficult issue of whether to return a displaced former PM to cabinet, but you have solved that problem. In return I will fulfil your declaration that you will be a ‘climate leader’. In conjunction with the NSW government, I will ensure Warringah becomes the world model for fighting climate change.
“Beginning next month, Warringah will be a no-go area for any vehicle powered by fossil fuels. That includes your SUV, Zali. Residents can instead drive electric vehicles; however, I stress henceforth your entire division will be powered by electricity generated not by coal, but by renewables. How you cope with this massive increase in demand for power is up to you. Any complaints, speak to your local member AKA climate leader.
“It doesn’t end there, Warringah. The rest of Australia will be watching to see the effects of your considerable drop in carbon emissions. I have commissioned the Bureau of Meteorology to build the most advanced weather station known to humankind in the centre of Mosman. From there, the agency will carefully monitor data over the next three years, after which it will report the difference between the average temperature in Sydney’s North Shore now and that of 2022. Zali, I suspect that percentage will also reflect your chances of being re-elected.
“To those members of GetUp! who thought it would be a good idea to get Alex Turnbull to make robocalls to voters, let me just say as an ex-marketing man I was surprised you decided to hand the telephone to him. Nevertheless, you succeeded — if your goal was to return us to government, that is. Who will you be using for the next election, Clementine Ford perhaps?
“As for our blitzing it in Queensland, I want to acknowledge how deeply we are in debt to the lady in charge of that great state, Deputy Premier Jackie Trad. Your hindering of the Adani mine approval process may have appeased the Trots in your inner-city seat, but as we see the rest of the state is gunning for your government. Kudos as well to Bob Brown and his anti-Adani convoy. Here’s a hint as to why that backfired so badly, Bob: most unemployed people in Queensland, unlike your mob, actually want a job.
“Chris Bowen, if you were standing in front of me right now, I would embrace you. The kindest thing I can say about your record as Shadow Treasurer, particularly your tax policies, is that it’s up there with your performance as immigration minister between 2010-13. Seriously, you really said to the boomers “if you don’t like our policies, don’t vote for us”? And they did just that. Guess who benefited?
“Now think back everyone a couple of years ago to the Bennelong by-election. Let’s imagine the Labor powerbrokers deciding who to field. ‘I know,’ shouts one. ‘Remember when the NSW Government suffered the worst defeat in the state’s history? Let’s get that premier!’ Fair dinkum, Senator Kristina Keneally: it’s not as if you can erase the memory of those years as easily as you did your Twitter account when you were nominated.
“On the subject of bad memories, let’s give a big shout-out to former Treasurer Wayne Swan, now national president of the ALP. As long as he occupies that position, he will be the face of the party’s economic legacy and a reminder of those immortal words in 2012: ‘The four years of surpluses I announce tonight are a powerful endorsement of the … success of our policies.’
“And by now everyone has a fair idea of how Senator Penny Wong, the would-be Minister for Foreign Affairs, would perform in a stressful and challenging international summit. I reckon we won at least two marginal seats solely due to your petulant refusal to shake Trade Minister Simon Birmingham’s hand at the South Australian Press Club.
“Rob Oakeshott, I’m not sure what felt the longest — the three years of the minority Gillard/Rudd governments or your excruciating 17-minute speech. Probably the latter. In any event it’s fair to say your running for Cowper reminded the whole of Australia what happened last time you were kingmaker.
“Kevin Rudd, I thank you for your spiteful, hysterical, and constant tweeting throughout the course of this campaign. It has been nearly six years since your government was swiftly dispatched, but the public needed reminding of what it was like under the last Labor prime minister.
“Now I just want to mention several commentators, mainly to show how accurately they reflect the views of mainstream Australians.
“To author and Sydney Morning Herald columnist Jane Caro — all it takes is a skinful for you self-righteous types to reveal your true selves, and you were no exception on Saturday night. ‘I shall … stick two rude fingers up at all the truculent turds who voted to turn backwards’, you tweeted, also adding you wished you lived in New Zealand.
“So do we, Jane.
“Then there’s another Sydney Morning Herald columnist and author, Peter FitzSimons, who tweeted only in January:
“There are 60 replies to this benign tweet from the PM, congratulating Australia’s latest hero, Ash Barty who had just toppled Maria Sharapova in the Oz Open. 59 of those replies are just different ways of telling the PM to F*&@ Off.” So what did this columnist make of that? ‘This is grim,’ he stated. ‘The mood is savage.’ This is not even pseudo-psephology, Fitz: it’s reading Twitter tea leaves. As someone once said, you could save yourself much embarrassment by taking that ridiculous bandana off your head and tying it tightly around your mouth.
This is grim. There are 60 replies to this benign tweet from the PM, congratulating Australia's latest hero, Ash Barty who had just toppled Maria Sharapova in the Oz Open
— Peter FitzSimons (@Peter_Fitz) January 20, 2019
59 of those replies are just different ways of telling the PM to F*&@ Off.
The mood is savage.#auspol https://t.co/2ClVeF37G8
“As for Fitz’s good wife, Lisa Wilkinson, I thank you for your unsolicited open letter on the night of the election. I was bemused to hear you say, ‘we’re all feeling just a little broken right now’. Fact is I see a lot of happy people post-election as well as those feeling greatly relieved. But I was downright amused to read your statement ‘If you’re ever in doubt when those big decision-making moments arise, when all the nation turns its lonely eyes to you … can you do us a favour? Just call Jacinda.’
“Can I draw your attention to the following excerpts written by your hubby — August 2018: Where are you, Mr Roberts, by the way? A nation turns its lonely, bemused eyes to you. March 2018: Where have you gone Adam Gilchrist, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you. December 2016: Where are you, Yogi Berra? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. December 2015: Oh, where have you gone, North Sydney Bears? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. October 2015: Where are you, Roy & HG? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. June 2015: Where are you now Godwin Grech? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. July 2013: Where have you gone Allan Border — a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
“Instead of purporting to appeal on behalf of the nation, do you think you and your other half could occasionally write something — how should I put this — original? Please don’t take offence. I really mean it when I say we’d like to help you learn to help yourself.
“Lastly, I refer to the man you would have to agree was the most shattered Australian on Saturday night. What’s that — I’ve already mentioned Bill Shorten you say? No, I’m talking about Malcolm Turnbull. There is a lot more I can say about him, but I’ll confine my remarks solely to his insistence that I explain to Australians why he was removed as prime minister. Friends, that is a question which, like my predecessor, has become redundant.”
* according to The Mocker, who certainly can’t be taken seriously
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