One fish two-step is a sight to behold

Barnaby Joyce arrives at Question Time. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Martin Ollman

Barnaby Joyce made a spectacle of himself in question time on Wednesday. The new (old) Deputy Prime Minister debuted a new pair of glasses, with fashionable thick black frames somewhat reminiscent of a young Jacques Chirac.

Has he perhaps been studying the research that suggests politicians who wear glasses are more likely to be voted into power?

Psychologists from the University of Cologne found in 2018 that voters preferred people in glasses because they were seen as intelligent and competent … regardless of their political party.

The research clearly noted that eyewear offers “an easy, effective and robust way for politicians to change their facial features and increase the probability of electoral success in the West (as long as competence is important)”.

Could this be a (virtue) signal to Scott Morrison that Barnaby 2.0 means business?

The Prime Minister appears to have already moved on from his three-year bromance with Michael McCormack, even delivering a throwback catchphrase to his new deputy from his Lodge lockdown.

“The Leader of the Opposition needs to understand that carping negativity is not a substitute for policy positions.”

A fishworthy phrase so nice, the PM used it twice.

Carping, for those without a dictionary handy, is defined by Merriam-Webster as “marked by or inclined to querulous and often perverse criticism”.

But who could forget when Joyce weaponised “carp ­herpes” as part of his 2016 War on Animals? Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime. Give a man the power to infect fish with herpes and, well, there’s no telling how far he will go.

The Labor chorus caught on, crying out: “CAAAARP! CAAAARP!”

“Can I also point out it’s particularly pointless to interject at a television screen,” Speaker Tony Smith suggested.

“Sky Before Dark,” Anthony Albanese quipped about the Prime Minister’s virtual on-screen appearance.

“I don’t know. Maybe they do it at home, but there’s no need to do it here,” Smith quipped. “They do, Mr Speaker, they do. I do too,” Albo added.

It took 15 minutes to discover the true purpose of Joyce’s new pair of glasses – to read a few choice words from his best ally from across the aisle.

“I was a bit perplexed lately. Because the other day we were trying to get through on the ARENA fund, that supports renewable energy, money into it. And guess who knocked it down? But there are people who read the book of revelations and they reside up the back there,” Joyce declared about Labor’s Joel Fitzgibbon.

Unfortunately, Joyce grabbed defeat from the jaws of victory. Sounding out of breath, gasping for oxygen like a carp suddenly relocated to a grassy bank, he stumbled over the quotes he’d prepared earlier.

Should have gone to Specsavers.