Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce refuses to beat around the bush

Barnaby Joyce says he had ‘interesting’ conversations with Labor MPs during his time on the backbench. Picture: Getty Images

The Barnaby circus rolled into town five minutes early. There was no beating around the bush, as the new (old) deputy prime minister arrived with a dishevelled pile of papers for his first question time on the frontbench in 1212 days.

With virtual ringmaster Scott Morrison MIA, Barnaby Joyce was left to juggle the JobKeeper acts — plate spinner David Littleproud (from tears to cheers in just one day!), knife thrower Matt Canavan, sword swallower Bridget McKenzie, the backbench mime Michael McCormack and soon-to-be invisible man Darren Chester.

Vikki Campion during question time. Picture: Martin Ollman

Not to mention the Liberal fire eater Josh Frydenberg, human Covid cannonball Greg Hunt, tight-NBN-rope Paul Fletcher, snake charmer Dan Tehan, contortionist Christian Porter, horse rider Sussan Ley, escapologist Angus Taylor, stilt walker Stuart Robert, immigration magician Karen Andrews and the great lion tamer Peter Dutton.

Vicki Campion even appeared on the flying trapeze. OK, in the front row of the public gallery. She offered a wave to her boss, loyal strongman Llew O’Brien, on the floor below. Is this a sign that just like Morrison justifies with Jenny, Barnaby will base his compassion on Campion?

With the fibre-to-the-Lodge on the fritz again, it was left to Joyce to announce his own opening act of deflection: inciting the Anthony Albanese insurrection.

“I think I am looking at someone here who might be under a little bit of pressure himself,” Joyce juggled.

“Turn around! Turn around!” Littleproud added, nodding so vigorously for his new leader that his neck could have snapped.

Anthony Albanese. Picture: Martin Ollman

Joyce mused: “Whilst I was on the backbench. I got to know quite a few people from the Labor Party and it’s a very interesting conversation to have about their current leader ... I tell you what, when you need the numbers to stay there, Member for Grayndler, come and call me, because I am your biggest supporter.”

As Albanese asked about Joyce’s “wacky” history of hubris — “I am sick of the government being in my life!” was a Christmas classic — the Nationals leader managed to misdirect again.

“I suppose I was reflecting on what would have happened if the Member for Grayndler was in government,” Joyce declared. “And I must say, at the time it was terrifying, it was terrifying. I was overcome with fear. Fear and trepidation.

“But later on, after I cooled down, I realised, that we were the government and everything was fine.”

He managed to crack a smile from the clown chorus — Alex Hawke and Michael Sukkar — as they chewed their outer cabinet pens.

Jocular Joyce continued: “And we have also been so fortuitous, and we also have the best government in place.

Albanese inquired: “So why’d you spear the bloke?”

Was fortuitous really the right term to thrown in here?

David Littleproud. Picture: Getty Images

Custard Pie thrower Bob Katter mistimed his cue. He stood up, sat back down, then stood up and sat back down again after being told he wasn’t allowed to probe the Deputy Prime Minister.

“My tuppence worth!” Katter hollered.

Dutton ran defence on any and all questions Joyce didn’t want to answer — the reef, the Coalition agreement, Biloela family and the not so nice comments from female Nationals from around the country.

Labor types weren’t happy with the circus sideshow and cried out for the real thing. “Where’s the Prime Minister,” they demanded, until he appeared on the big screen. “He’s alive! Look who it is — the real Prime Minister.”

Morrison spent most of the hour on mute, head down in his phone. “Can we change the channel? Bring back the test pattern,” Labor MP Rob Mitchell suggested.

As Labor’s tactics dragged out the 90-minute show, Richard Marles was unhappy with the conjecture of his counterpart. “Serious times demand serious people and he behaves like a clown.”

Tune in on Wednesday for the next episode of Killing Season circus. Will there be more sacrificial winter solstice blood?

Scott Morrison spent most question time on mute, head down in his phone. Picture: Martin Ollman