Malcolm Turnbull tells of his ‘suicidal thoughts’ in memoir

Malcolm Turnbull has revealed that following his first loss of the Liberal leadership in 2009 he slumped into a ‘deep depression’.

Former prime minister Malcolm Turnbull reveals in his memoir that he had ‘suicidal thoughts’. Picture: AAP

Malcolm Turnbull has revealed that during his darkest days following his first loss of the Liberal leadership in 2009, he slumped into a “deep depression”, admitting that he fell into a state of “intense” self-­destruction and thoughts of suicide.

So grave had his mental state become, it had forced him to ­announce he would not recontest the 2010 election.

The former prime minister’s confronting acknowledgments of an acute mental illness chronicle a spiral into depression that only his family, his doctors and a few close friends had been witness to.

Mr Turnbull reveals in his tell-all memoir that in the months following his dismissal as Liberal leader in 2009 and then while delivering a defence of his climate change position as he crossed the floor to vote for Kevin Rudd’s emissions trading scheme, he had ­unknowingly “slipped into a deep depression”.

“To some extent, I was running on a depleted reservoir of adrenaline and then, after that speech, was done in,” the former prime minister recounts in his memoir.

“I remained in a torment of indecision as to whether to stay in parliament … and without realising it, I slipped into a deeper ­depression.”

Former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (left) takes a selfie with Indonesia’s President Joko Widodo as they attend an official luncheon at the Great Hall at Parliament House in Canberra last month. Picture: AFP

The decline had occurred following a holiday to South America after he lost the leadership and his return in January 2010, when he visited Kevin Rudd at Kirribilli House to apologise over the Godwin Grech affair.

“I’d never given thought to my mental health before — mental health was something others had to worry about,” he writes.

“And while I’d had periods of real gloom, especially after the defeat of the republic referendum, what I felt enveloping me now was much more serious.

“For the first time in my life, suicidal thoughts started to enter my mind, unbidden and unwanted.

“My family could see all this and were horrified.”

Mr Turnbull revealed that pressure on him to resign his seat of Wentworth had plunged him ­further into the abyss.

“In the weeks that followed, I sank further into depression. I was prescribed antidepressants,” he ­reveals.

“None seemed to help and one in particular made it worse.

“At my wits’ end, I announced on 6 April, 2010, that I wouldn’t recontest the election.”

GRAPHIC: Malcolm’s views on ...

Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. Picture: John Feder

But Mr Turnbull writes that even after he came to the realisation that it had been the wrong ­decision, it wasn’t the end of the ­depression.

He says John Howard had urged him to remain in parliament, largely because he had a lot of money and he didn’t play golf.

“At least a dozen would-be Liberal candidates for Wentworth started to line up for preselection,” he writes.

“The show was moving on; I was yesterday’s news and yesterday’s man.

“The depression got worse and worse.”

Mr Turnbull reveals that his darkest days came to a crescendo on a trip to Turkey to attend the Anzac Day memorial.

“It was in Istanbul that my times were darkest and my thoughts of self-destruction the most intense,” he writes.

In a diary note he wrote to ­himself, Mr Turnbull blamed himself for losing the leadership, ­despising himself for the Godwin Grech affair and the “Utegate” scandal that precipitated the end of his leadership, after he relied on forged emails from a public servant accusing the Rudd government of corruption.

Lucy and Malcolm Turnbull on the red carpet on opening night at the Sydney Coliseum Theatre at Rooty Hill. Picture: Damian Shaw

“I feel at present an utter ­failure,” he writes. “I blame myself for losing the leadership, a job which by the time I lost it had become one of most excruciating pain and ­humiliation.”

He writes that he eventually weaned himself off antidepressants by May that year.

But he says no one in the media suspected he was unwell as his ­family nursed him through the ­depression.

“They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; my experience with depression certainly made me wiser and calmer,” he writes.

“And while I felt at times as though I was literally clawing myself out of the deepest pit, I also recognised that my depression had been preying on the self-absorbed side of my character.”

Mr Turnbull says his experience with depression had remained hidden from public view. “Only my family, my doctors and a few very close friends were aware of how sick I’d been,” he writes.

He said he “hadn’t kept a diary for many years but started again in a series of entries simply headed ‘Darkness’ and then filed and locked away with a password I couldn’t recall — until, just as I was researching this book, it came back to me”.

If you or someone you know may be at risk of suicide, call Lifeline (131114), Kids Helpline (1800 551 800), Beyond Blue (1300 224 636)