Covid-19: SA fun police go all out to avoid a Saturday night fever

SA’s health bureaucrats have turned their hands to concert management, with the world’s lamest disco being held in the Barossa Valley this weekend.

DJ Jaki J at the Arkaba nightclub in Adelaide ahead of his mid-afternoon outing at the That 90s Show disco at the Peter Lehmann winery. Picture: Roy Van Der Vegt

The same health bureaucrats who brought you the Covid-carrying pizza box and the flying football of death have turned their hands to concert management, with the world’s lamest disco being held in the Barossa Valley this weekend.

The Australian has obtained the 13-page SA Health management plan for this Saturday’s 90s-themed disco, That 90s Show, at the Peter Lehmann winery, which exposes the turbocharged ­pedantry governing a fully-outdoor event aimed at adults aged over 40.

The document is typical of those still governing public events in a state where relief at the opening of borders to the rest of Australia on Tuesday is offset by business frustrations over continuing ­restrictions.

Under rules demanded by SA Health, the middle-aged, middle-class crowd at the 90s disco will be subjected to a series of Play School-style 20-minute “time outs” in the event that people start dancing. They will be monitored by police to make sure they ­remain in their “social groups” on their own picnic rugs.

And the entire musical line-up has been reversed, with the acoustic sets that were meant to open the event now headlining, and the high-energy DJ sets that were meant to end the night now scheduled for the afternoon when people arrive.

The SA Health document says this is because there is a chance people will be drinking into the evening and find it harder to control their urges if, say, Madonna’s Into the Groove is playing, as ­opposed to some quiet music you might hear in an elevator.

The SA Health document shows how South Australia – which has no Covid cases and has recorded just four deaths in the entirety of the pandemic – now looks less like the Festival State than a Methodist utopia.

Business groups are urging a more liberal approach from SA Health, which famously urged the closure of the entire state last ­November amid fears Covid had been spread by a pizza box, and whose chief health officer, Nicola Spurrier, advised AFL fans not to touch the football if it flew into the crowd.

The SA Health document says that 12 Covid marshalls will be roaming the crowd, with one staff member rostered on specifically “to manage noncompliance of dancing”.

“This person would be responsible for turning off the music and possibly turning lights on for a ­period of 20-30 minutes to allow the crowd to calm down and stop any form of dancing,” the document states. “To discourage dancing once the sun goes down, we have updated the Event Program for a more chilled end to the event.”

If you’re heading to the ­Barossa with a view to picking up, you will struggle to make new friends as the document also ­explains that steps are being taken to ensure people stay in their ­“social groups”.

“Attendees will sit in their ­‘social groups’ and maintain 1.5m distance and wear masks when roaming the event,” it says.

“In order to monitor and ­deliver on attendees sitting in their social groups on their own chairs/blanket, the event space will be monitored by Covid Marshal ­Ushers who will manage the seating of attendees to safely distance their seating from other ­social groups.”

The Australian understands the changes to the line-up and the introduction of timeouts were part of a series of compromises ­demanded by SA Health and the Liquor and Gaming authorities to let the event proceed at all.

The man who has blown the whistle on all this is DJ Jaki J, who was meant to finish the evening playing his block-rocking beats but will now be on stage at 3pm when guests start to arrive.

Jaki J said one of the biggest ­absurdities of the event was that it was completely outdoors in a space measuring 7200sq m, meaning that with a maximum of 2500 guests, attendees would be two times more distanced than under the one person every 1.5sq m rule that normally applies.

“The bureaucracy has well and truly overstepped the mark, now dictating every facet of how a promoter is to run their shows,” Jaki J said.

“As a result of the line-up change, and that dancing is strictly prohibited even at their own picnic rug, some ticket holders are asking for refunds, putting the small family promoters under even more stress after a horrid 19 months.

“Little sympathy was shown by SA Health and Liquor and Gaming when questioned about the draconian measures, one representative saying ‘Well you were the ones that decided to hold a music festival during Covid’.”

“But with the current bureaucratic structure, there is no means for appeal.”