Lilie James’ dad: Stop calling abusers ‘good blokes’
The NSW coroner has handed down findings more than two years after Paul Thijssen bludgeoned Lilie James to death in the bathroom of Sydney’s St Andrew’s Cathedral School.
The parents of murdered water polo coach Lilie James say violent abusers cannot be excused as “good blokes” after NSW coroner Teresa O’Sullivan declared her death part of a “devastating pattern” of femicide.
James’s murderer, Paul Thijssen, 24, was revealed through the course of the inquest in March to have stalked James, 21, and rehearsed his attack, before bludgeoning her to death with a hammer in an act of “overkill” in the St Andrew’s Cathedral School bathroom on October 25, 2023.
After the murder, he drove to Vaucluse and threw himself off an ocean cliff. His body was dredged from the waters below The Gap and identified two days later.
James’s father, Jamie, made an emotional plea outside the Coroner’s Court, asking people to talk to their friends about the mistreatment of women and calling on the media not to absolve the behaviour of abusive men.
“Lilie had her life cut way too short,” he said. “Not a day goes by where we don’t think about her or wonder what we could have done to prevent this tragedy
“If it’s been a while since you talked about violence or abuse against women, whether that’s at home, at work or with friends or in the community, please start that conversation.
“Speaking up matters.
“Please don’t report on positive comments, saying people are ‘good blokes’ (or) ‘men are delightful’ – it’s not acceptable, it’s disheartening and it’s cruel.”
Ms O’Sullivan said the murder was part of “the alarming and persistent scourge of gendered violence and domestic violence in Australia”.
“Lilie’s death is not an isolated tragedy,” she said. “It is part of a devastating pattern of violence against women that demands urgent and sustained action.
“I urge that will be done through education, prevention and cultural change, to challenge attitudes that drive this violence and to protect women’s lives.
“Lilie’s mother, Peta, spoke powerfully about raising her daughter to be brave and strong. Peta’s words that we must teach boys to respect and value women’s opinions and choices and to accept rejection resonate deeply. It is my hope that Peta’s message and the lessons learned from this tragedy echo beyond his courtroom and contribute to meaningful change.”
Her recommendations called for education reforms across a range of government services and canvassed gendered violence, intimate partner violence, coercive control, domestic violence and technology-facilitated abuse.
She was particularly critical of a lack of research and services effectively targeting young men aged 16 to 24.
Ms O’Sullivan made seven recommendations that were sent on to NSW Premier Chris Minns, Acting Education Minister Courtney Houssos and Minister for the Prevention of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Jodie Harrison.
“There is a need for further education and information programs to raise community awareness about how to identify and respond to coercive control behaviours, in particular emerging forms of technology-facilitated abuse,” she said.
“Individuals should be encouraged to actively consider their use of technology and the need to share their location with others.
“There is a need to develop respectful relationship information and advice services for young men and for further research into how best to engage young men and promote healthy relationship behaviour. I am of the view there are lessons to learn from these tragic circumstances and areas for improvement and future action.”
James and Thijssen had worked together as sport coaches at St Andrew’s in Sydney’s CBD and began a sexual relationship in July 2023, which evolved and became common knowledge to their friends and fellow staff by August and September.
They had agreed to cut their relationship off by the end of the school term in December.
“Paul stalked Lilie. (He) carefully planned his attack, and … rehearsed the attack, making a number of dry runs,” said Jennifer Single, an independent counsel assisting the coroner in March.
“The preparation was calculated, not a momentary loss of control. It was a premeditated killing.”
Thijssen had stalked and intimidated a former girlfriend before James, the inquest heard.
“We sent Lilie to a school that had similar values to ours, which played a major part in creating the woman she became. These choices made me question whether we did the right thing,” Ms James said at the inquest’s conclusion in March. “As parents, if we’re not teaching our sons to believe in and respect a woman’s opinion and learn how to accept rejection, we could be setting our daughters up for failure.”
Ms O’Sullivan said James was “gregarious, outgoing and surrounded by many friends”, apologising for the “public intrusion an inquest imposes at a time of immense grief, sorrow and pain”.
Lifeline- 13 11 14 Domestic Violence Hotline- 1800 RESPECT or 1800 737 732
More Coverage
