Anthony Albanese’s trip to China, his minefield with President Xi and a list of things he can’t talk about

Human rights, Uighurs, Tank Man, AUKUS, China’s nuclear subs, the South China Sea, destroyers in the Tasman, Taiwan ... all are on the list the PM can’t talk about on tour. Then there’s the person he can’t seem to talk to ...

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and fiance Jodie Haydon arrive at an Australia-China High Level Business Lunch in Shanghai.

Saturday: Rang President Trump again. Straight to voicemail. Again.

Spent the rest of the day in briefings while I committed to memory things that a government I lead must not mention on my trip to China. Human rights, Uighurs, Tibet, Tank Man, the Port of Darwin, AUKUS, China’s nuclear subs, nuclear proliferation, the South China Sea, Chinese destroyers fooling around in the Tasman, the Wuhan Institute of Virology and Taiwan.

Best not to say anything that even rhymes with Taiwan. That ought to keep my conversation with President Xi down to a neat four-second compliment on his tie.

The really tricky thing is Taiwan is also known as the Republic of China while China is the People’s Republic of China. It would be terrible if a government I lead got the two mixed up while talking to President Xi. Noting my confusion, one of my advisers came up with a brain wave. Just Imagine Taiwan doesn’t exist, he said. Done, I told him.

Alas, as we were on the RAAF burner, I didn’t make it to the Qantas Club for a free feed. Shame, because my son was there.

The national flags of Australia and China flutter at Tian'anmen Square on July 14. Pictuyre: Wang Xin/VCG

Sunday: Flew over the South China Sea. I noticed a few islands there that weren’t there last time. Climate change at work, I suppose. Nothing a good wind farm couldn’t sort out. The Chinese must know we’re coming because they were showering the RAAF burner with flares. They love a good cracker night in the PRC.

Landed in Beijing and it was straight to work cutting out editorials from the China Daily, a terrific newspaper that tells it like it is, unlike the hurtful rubbish published in the Australian media.

“Albanese’s ongoing visit to China is not only of significance for the bilateral and trade relations between the two countries, it also sends a message amid the changing global trade landscape. Against the backdrop of rising tensions between the United States and many countries because of the US administration’s recent threat to levy higher tariffs on them … Albanese’s visit shows that the Australian side has a clearer judgment and understanding of China than it had under the previous Scott Morrison government.”

That’s going straight to the scrapbook. Pity they used a photo of Austrian President Alex Van der Bellen, but I was able to stick my passport photo straight on top of his bonce. Problem solved.

Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese meets with Chinese President Xi Jinping in China. Source - PMO

The countries discussed trade and the Pacific.

Monday: The government I lead attended a meeting with Australian business leaders, bank execs, BHP and BlueScope folk – all at a roundtable hosted by the China Development Bank. Checked to make sure Paul Keating is no longer on the board of CDB. Last bloke I want to bump into around here.

Rang Trump again in the afternoon. Got his secretary this time. The government I lead calls that progress. I started leaving a message but I panicked when I heard a recorded message that said if I wished to continue I had to insert Trump coins.

How many of these bloody Trump coins do I need to insert before he picks up the phone? I thought I’d grab three but the Qatari ambassador told me no less than 300 million would get me through the door. Maybe throw in a 747 with a 24-carat gold brasco. Well, there’s the new super tax cash spent.

Tuesday: Lunch in Beijing at the Great Hall of the People, which strangely has no people in it. Just me, President Xi and a couple of waiters. Between mouthfuls of guotie and jiaozi, President Xi told me he’d normally have me for breakfast. I thanked him for the compliment.

Xi assured me that his unexplained absence in recent times along with the purges of senior military figures aligned with him had nothing to do with a looming faction within the Central Committee who wanted a less belligerent, more co-operative China. No worries, I told him, I get grief from the right wing of my party all the time, too.

Wednesday: I’m getting the feeling the government I lead is wearing out its welcome with President Xi.

Even the panda diplomacy was off. The government I lead will now go home panda-less. Instead President Xi showed up in a haz-chem suit and handed me a pangolin, told me to wash my hands after petting it and for Mao’s sake, don’t get it anywhere near a fruit bat.

The government I lead thanked him for the gift of the diseased anteater but told him what the government I lead really needs are nuclear submarines. Don’t worry, he told me, you’ll be seeing China’s fleet of shiny new subs soon enough. So, that’s a plus.

Chinese President Xi Jinping, right, shakes hands with visiting Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese. Picture: via AP

Thursday: Arrived in Shanghai. You should see the size of the Chinatown they’ve got there. Biggest one in the whole, wide world.

The government I lead met Chinese Premier Li Qiang. Premier Li merely smiled politely when I told him the problems the government I lead was having getting hold of Trump. I know Trump wants the government I lead to spend more on defence. But Trump has no idea just how bad defence acquisitions are in this country. The last time the green machine boosted the national arsenal, they bought a bolt action .30-30 on eBay for $200m. It took 12 years to arrive. Admittedly, they saved a small fortune with free postage and handling.

Scrawled out a memo to Chalmers telling him that the government I lead should go even harder on super taxes.

Friday: Today is a free day where the government I lead can potter around the streets of Chengdu, a vibrant city full of empty apartment blocks. Say what you like about Leninist communism but they seem to have the housing crisis solved.

Bought a few fridge magnets and some tea towels for Jodie and took the pangolin for a walk.

Sent President Trump a text that simply reads 911 – the emergency code in the US so Donald would know the government I lead needs to speak to him urgently. Trump misread it as 9-11 and now he’s threatening to invade through the Port of Darwin which isn’t even Australian any more.