Albanese’s China visit, and a fictional account of Xi Jinping’s respect for the PM

If Anthony Albanese was to recount his triumphant tour of China, and talking tough with fellow Pacific powerhouse Xi Jinping, it might look something like this …

Anthony Albanese addresses the media at The Great Wall of China last week. Picture: NewsWire/Joseph Olbrycht-Palmer

The Mocker secretly obtains an excerpt from ‘Me Old China – Xi and Me’, Anthony Albanese’s soon-to-be published book detailing his great diplomatic triumph in restoring Australia’s relationship with Beijing*.

Walking along the Great Wall of China with my entourage, I marvelled at how far I had come, both literally and figuratively. Behold, the son of a single mother who grew up in public housing now embarks on his second official visit to China as Prime Minister.

But it is important not to lose perspective. As tempting as it was to congratulate myself, I am not the first Labor statesman to visit here. Yes, I have seen further than any of them, but that is only because I stand on the shoulders of giants. Last week I was John Curtin, this week Gough Whitlam. Come Jim Chalmers’ roundtable next month, I’ll be Bob Hawke.

Concentrate on the task at hand, Albo, I tell myself. You have to fix the mess Scott Morrison created. It will be a tough job, but you can do it.

I smile and wave for the cameras but walk with determination and purpose. Appearances are everything in diplomatic relations, particularly when you are dealing with the Chinese government. You must project strength, resoluteness and dignity.

On a side note, I’m wearing a South Sydney Rabbitohs cap.

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By transforming Australia into an economic powerhouse, I will show Xi Jinping I mean business. The Australian people picked a winner in me, and I in turn pick winners. That is what I emphasised at the steel decarbonisation roundtable in Shanghai.

I knew the Chinese would be very impressed with my speech, but even I was blown away at the praise I received. When I explained my vision to a high-ranking official, including my plans for Australia to become a renewable energy superpower, he listened carefully and nodded knowingly.

“Prime Minister, given your understanding of economics, production and labour, I foresee a great leap forward for Australia,” he said.

Winning!

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Met with Xi. You could sense tension in the room. There always is when two alpha males size each other up. When the pleasantries were finished, I decided to give him a message.

I mentioned the Chinese naval ships doing live-fire exercises off the Australian east coast. It caused me grief back home, I said. A heads-up would have been appreciated.

Xi shrugged his shoulders. “If this was such a big deal for you, why did you wait six months to voice your concerns,” he asked.

Anthony Albanese and Chinese President Xi Jinping. Picture: AP

I would not be deterred.

“President Xi, if it happens again, I won’t be raising it six months down the track,” I said firmly. “Next time, I’ll take just three months.”

Xi just looked at me blank-faced, then slowly began to smile.

“Prime Minister Albanese, I think you are tough as a cookie,” he said.

Eh? Oh, I get it; he means I’m one tough cookie! His translator was slightly off the mark. We all had a good laugh.

Respect. That’s how you earn it.

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Touring Cochlear’s Chengdu factory, I marvelled at the technology that allows the deaf to hear.

Mind you, as brilliant as their implants are, I reckon they wouldn’t help our journalists any. Take for example the ones who keep asking me about our defence budget. It’s bad enough they raise this when I’m on an official visit to China.

But what really annoys me about this question is they cannot understand my simple and straightforward answer. How many times do I have to repeat that we invest in our capability and invest in our relationship?

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At Chengdu these same journalists again tried to spoil my friendship tour, asking whether I agreed that China was at fault for imposing coercive trade measures when the Morrison government called for an inquiry into the outbreak of Covid.

“What we discuss is moving forward, is issues of today and tomorrow rather than the past,” I replied.

I cannot stress that enough. What matters to me is now and the future, not the past.

And in the same press conference I reminded everyone of the Coalition’s past record, saying that they, when last in government, “didn’t have a phone conversation between a single minister in Australia and our major trading partner”.

Mr Albanese is seen with panda Su Xing at a park in Chengdu, China. Picture: AAP

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The official state banquet in my honour was testimony to my efforts in repairing the relationship between our two countries. Premier Li Qiang turned to me during dinner and said privately that I reminded him of the great Gough Whitlam.

“Like you, he as opposition leader publicly criticised a Coalition government for not showing the Chinese communists respect,” he said.

I was chuffed and went to thank him. Before I had a chance, he continued.

“But you are different in one respect from Mr Whitlam,” he said. “Your legacy, we believe, will last even longer than his. Much longer.”

No Chinese feed is complete without a fortune cookie. Mine contained an old Chinese proverb – when you go up to the mountain too often, you will eventually encounter the tiger.

Too right you will. That is why I stay well away from Washington.

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The usual critics cannot help themselves. They claim I have been on a six-day schmooze-fest and came back empty-handed. Who do they think secured those delicious Chinese jujubes for Australians? Unbelievable.

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In closing, you may have noticed I made no mention of my visit to the Chengdu panda research centre.

There are good reasons for that omission. We all like pandas, but I was in the country on serious business. As history will note, my diplomacy and perseverance reconciled two great nations. Images of a carefree me smiling alongside the pandas give a misleading impression as to what was at stake.

Just quietly, pandas are overrated and not that interesting. They are docile and passive. Give them a few leaves, scratch them behind the ears, tickle their tummy, and you’ll have them eating out of your hand.

But the Chinese delight in them.

* According to The Mocker, who can never be taken seriously.