Why this is the only SUV worth buying
If you must buy an SUV, Alfa Romeo’s Stelvio Quadrifoglio is the only one that passes this jaded-motoring-editor’s test.
Beagles, bloodhounds, boxers and, worst of all, bulldogs – I find all of these creatures, and indeed most dogs, about as attractive as the jellied horse parts they like to eat, and yet I know many people who love them so much they will lick their loathsome faces while making stupid slobbering noises.
It’s the same with SUVs. Staggering numbers of people love them and can look at them without feeling revulsion or even design-led disappointment. Occasionally, at best, one will come along – the Porsche Macan, the new Audi Q5 – that doesn’t look awful. But attractive or desirable? I’d rather kiss a dog.
I have, however, discovered an exception – the wildly and surprisingly beautiful Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio. I have had my head turned by the Stelvio before and may have described it as the most beautiful SUV – which is like being forced to choose one of Cinderella’s stepsisters – but this pumped-up, bonnet-rippled and muscular version genuinely did make me sigh in wonder every time I spied it in my driveway.
Indeed, if you stand quite close to it and stare intently at its curvaceous surfaces, lusciously basted in a rich red metallic paint, you can very nearly hypnotise yourself into believing it’s a Ferrari. Better still, I’d argue it’s actually more attractive than the Prancing Horse’s attempt to build an SUV of sorts, the Purosangue.
Previous Alfa Stelvios fell down badly once you got into them because the promise of a pleasant exterior was spoiled by some inexplicably cheap and not-very-Italian touchpoints. The gear lever in particular was a nasty nodule of middling materials that just felt wrong, like sitting down in a Michelin-starred restaurant and being asked to eat with plastic cutlery.
Alfa seems to have heard this criticism and the lever is now looped with leather, making it far nicer to hold. The seats are properly sporty, bucket-like and yet comfortable in this Quadrifoglio version (yes, it does refer to a four-leaf clover, which is the symbol of properly sporty Alfa Romeos, but does confuse and yet delight any Irish people who walk past). And you’ll need those bucket seats to hold you in, too, because this thing can deliver serious g-forces.
You also get an excellent, chunky steering wheel, complete with Alcantara touches, and properly Faux-rarri flappy paddles, made of metal, for shifting gears – and this is something I hope most owners will have a go at, because the rewards are worth it.
While the Stelvio can tool around town calmly and quietly in its Natural mode (I was going to say “comfortably”, but the ride is a little on the firm side), switching to Dynamic sets fire to the exhaust system and encourages you to tramp the throttle.
By doing so you unleash the 2.9-litre twin-turbo V6 beneath the bonnet. Rumour has it this might actually be a cutdown version of a Ferrari V8 engine, and it certainly feels like one as it delivers its 375kW and 600Nm, and hurls you to 100km/h in an impressive 3.8 seconds.
The sportiness of this car comes on in stages, as it feels reasonably impressive if you use half of the revs at your disposal, but if you stretch to the upper reaches, it really does feel invigoratingly Italian. The engine is loud (at least in the sportier settings), engaging and powerful and a winding mountain road can make you completely forget you’re in Yet Another SUV.
Even the way the Stelvio handles when you’re mistreating it is impressive, with the ability to hold a line through corners and damn near stand on its lovely big nose under hard braking.
This car really does do everything sharply, although that can become wearing in one particular way. No matter how gently I squeezed the brakes, I could never get this Alfa to pull up gently to a stop. It always lurches, and sometimes it can be so violent that it brings to mind the way netballers slam to a stop during games. This led my family to suggest that I was a jerk, or at least that I was driving jerkily.
Other than that, a slightly dated infotainment system – any screen in a car that’s smaller than my TV at home now looks old – is this Alfa’s only other mild failing. Personally, I couldn’t get Apple CarPlay to work, but I was having too much fun to get properly angry about it.
Truly, if you must have an SUV, this should be the one. Unfortunately, you’ll need a budget of $162,700, but it’s a better way to spend your money than buying another dog. And it’s about $600,000 cheaper than buying the less-pretty Ferrari one. Bargain.
This story is from the June issue of WISH.
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