What rapturous reunions with our pets await! What a zoo it will be!

Papal blessing: yes, there’s a place for dogs in heaven

Today’s sermon sets out to answer that most profound of theological questions: “Do dogs go to heaven?” During the pandemic the price of puppies has soared as people seek the solace of animal companions. Dogs previously doomed to be euthanased are now welcomed into family homes. Even surplus greyhounds.

So will pooches make it into paradise? According to Pope Francis, the answer is yes. The Holy Father put it in writing to a young boy whose dog had died. Apparently not all the cardinals agree but the boss is, as we know, infallible.

But does it apply only to dogs that are pets? What about working dogs? Dingoes? Wild dogs? Retired sniffer dogs? Obviously seeing-eye dogs, though not categorised as pets, have strong arguments in their favour. The devil’s in the detail and we await clarification from the Vatican.

As we know, humanity is divided into dog people and cat people. So what about pet cats? After nine lives do they have an everlasting 10th? Chasing pet mice? What about goldfish? Lizards? Tortoises? Canaries? Budgies? Horses? Camels? Though not well regarded in Genesis, some people have pet snakes. I’ve had a pet kangaroo that followed me everywhere. Even into the shower. He grew up hopping around the studio at 2UE. And he once peed on Paul Keating’s Zegna suit. What rapturous reunions await! What a zoo it will be!

My ruminations are in response to a letter from a reader who was incensed by a column doubting life after death, even for humans. But I gladly concede that all life-forms can look forward to a continuing material existence post-mortem. As Carl Sagan reminded us, we are all made of “star stuff” and our atoms will be recycled. But our consciousness? Egomaniacal to think so, surely.

And are all humans entitled to go to heaven? All the hominids that preceded our god-like status? Java Man? Flores Man? The Neanderthals? If it depends on the kindling of a soul, when did evolution provide one?

The US Population Reference Bureau estimates that about 117 billion clearly defined humans have ever been born; given that, it must be getting overcrowded up there – so you’d assume there are policies in place. To paraphrase our greatest political deity, John Winston Howard, “We will decide who comes and the circumstances by which they come”.

Judaism is iffy on the existence of an afterlife. Jehovah’s Witnesses limit the entire intake to a miserable 144,000. The Vatican is more generous: even non-Christians may be accepted, but only after a period in Christianity’s Purgatory, aka Christmas Island. Hinduism opts for recycling; Islam believes the dead are in an intermediary state until the great resurrection.

My own view? I believe that what happens after your death is an endless nothingness. If wrong I shall report back, provided there’s wi-fi beyond the grave.

Talking of science, wealthy people have been having their cadavers cryogenically frozen in the hope of more personal resurrections. And other billionaires are wont to have their consciousness preserved – in the form of their minds being downloaded. Clearly we cannot face the future without the lingering presence of our Elon Musks.

I don’t recall Jesus having a pet dog. If so, Da Vinci neglected to depict it in The Last Supper, though the hound may have been out of sight under the table being surreptitiously fed scraps. It’s significant that nearly every US president had a “first dog”. Except Trump.

Heaven? Dogs, yes. Donald, no.