And so say all of us

"AS cold as a mother-in-law's kiss." "She looks like a broom in a fit." "A face like a bagful of bums."

"AS cold as a mother-in-law's kiss." "She looks like a broom in a fit." "A face like a bagful of bums." "She fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"She's all over the place like a wild woman's wee." ("Perhaps only a woman could truly appreciate that one," the correspondent helpfully adds.) "He looks like he's been ridden hard and put away wet." "He's as ugly as World War I." "She's the bottom of the cocky's cage."

Ooooh you are awful, but I love you! Thank you to everyone who sent in their old Aussie sayings by the glorious bucketload, who scoured not only their own memories but those of their mums and dads and nannas and pops; the gems flooded in from workplaces, backyards, smokos and pubs. I've got enough here for a book, and if I didn't have two other pesky tomes champing at the bit right now I'd be on to it. But in the meantime here's a follow-up column, because these sayings, old and new, are just too good to let slip away. And Queensland, you're the national winner by a mile here; thank you for preserving the glories of our distinctly Aussie idiom more than any other state.

A lot of sayings seem to refer to the national sport of inebriation: "As blind as a welder's dog" is a lovely one. "Hilarious and poignant," explains the contributor, "evoking the loyalty of the blue heeler watching his master toiling day by day in a hot, sweaty environment and also prodding memories of the first time we were 'flashed' by the welder's blinding light." Then there's "he played up like a second-hand motorbike", and "he's as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike". "He's so slow you have to line him up with a fence post to see if he's moving." "He couldn't organise a line to a brothel", "he's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier" and "he couldn't pull the skin off a rice pudding" (sorry for the gender bias here but these were all sent in with the pronoun "he"). Busting for a pee: "My back teeth are floating." Starving: "I could eat the crotch off a low-flying pigeon."

Back to the sheilas, and how deliciously stinging they can be: "She'd be late for her own funeral." "She looks like a piece of God-help-us wrapped in a brown paper bag." "She'd put on a clean apron over a dirty dress." On walking behind a large lady: "It looks like two boys fighting in a sack." Emotionally all over the place: "Up and down like a stripper's knickers." Sex education circa the'60s: "Men do not want anything to do with bruised fruit." Yet from a prim old maiden aunt, on a handsome man: "He can leave his boots under my bed anytime."

Then there are old favourites such as "she could chat up a joy stick" and "as dark as a tiger's tummy", alongside distinctly modern ones: "A shallot short of a laksa." And this from'70s PNG: "Mixmaster belong Jesus Christ." Meaning? A helicopter. Glorious. Also from PNG, "Picaninny dawn", describing that lovely, soft time between dark and day.

To pesky kids: "Go and tell your grandma she wants you" (when mum wants a break). "You're not the only pebble on the beach" (it's not all about you). "I'd rather keep you a week than a fortnight" (when kids are eating mum out of house and home), and to a sulking child: "You wouldn't be happy if you were a dog in a paddock full of stumps."

Speaking of pesky kids, I've recently been informed of a new expression: "The swagg." That is, a confident coolness. The boys were interrogated. "So, do I have it?" Dead silence. Further interrogation. A reluctant "No." Fuming. How about their dad? "Oh yes." "Why?" through a tight smile. "Because he always takes us to comic stores and movies."

Right. I see. A column about the tough love of a mother as opposed to the indulgent love of a father, forthcoming.

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