Studies in stupidity

PEOPLE pay to find out the bleeding obvious.

Having a dog in bed could keep you awake ... who knew?

SOME years ago I received a press release from a university trumpeting the results of a study into sleep problems.The results of this extensive survey concluded that people who sleep with their dogs - wait for it - have poorer quality sleep than people who don't and as a result they complain about being tired during the day.

No s**t, Sherlock.

As the owner of a dog who occasionally sneaks on to my bed after I have fallen asleep I, and probably every other dog owner on the planet, could have saved these researchers a great deal of time.

Sometimes things are just so obvious they don't need an expert Take the time a colleague took her dog to an animal behaviourist to find out why it barked all the time.

The diagnosis she received, after several hours and several hundred dollars, was that her dog barked because he wanted to go for more walks. My response to this startling revelation was: "You paid money for that?"

Speaking of barking (as in mad rather than dog), the results of a recent report published by the University of Queensland into the effects of walking and texting might similarly surprise you. Apparently people who text and walk at the same time tend to swerve rather than walk in a straight line. They slow down, their balance is compromised and they are at a greater risk of falling over, tripping or bumping into objects and other people. In other news: humans don't have eyes in the top of their heads.

"This may impact the safety of people who text and walk at the same time," says Siobhan Schabrun, the lead author of the research.

If you're like me then you probably have occasion to walk down the street on the footpath and you're probably sick and tired of having to dodge other people as you walk because they're not looking where they're going. Their eyes are cast down at their screens, and because your eyes are not, it's your job to get out of their way.

Sure, you could just walk into them and try to teach them a lesson but take it from me, that just gets annoying after a while, especially as the person texting always manages to make it seem like it was the other person's fault.

It's a bit like when you yell out of the car window at the driver in front of you (or give him a gently press of the car horn) when he fails to take off when the light turns green because his eyes are in his lap, and he responds by giving you the finger. I was only trying to help.

If you want to risk your own life, then that's your concern. On my way home from work the other day I saw a woman crossing one of the busiest streets in Sydney - Cleveland Street - on a don't walk sign while looking at her phone. Really, I thought, if she wants to get hit by the M50 bus, then that's her problem.

Bump into me on the footpath, however, and I'll definitely get worked up about it.

To help calm me down, I sometimes turn to a little green book I have titled The Etiquette of Australia for guidance on this and other issues. The book was written by Theodosia Wallace and although it was published in 1922 it does provide the following advice on walking in the street: "In Sydney people promenading the public streets must always keep to the left of the footpath. If you tread upon or stumble against anyone, or inconvenience anyone in any way, instant apology is necessary."

I'm sure if smartphones were around in 1922, Ms Wallace would have added that if you want to text, check Facebook or fuss about looking for the best Instagram filter on for the pic you just took, then don't try and do it while walking at the same time. Stop, stand to the side of the footpath and out of people's way and play with your phone until your battery runs out.