Nothing wrong with a little give and take

CAN you re-gift something you don't want? Most etiquette books would tell you no. But it's perfectly acceptable so long as you obey the rules.

Nothing wrong with some give and take

WHEN it comes to gift-giving, we're told from an early age that it's better to give than to receive. It's the thought that counts, you should never look a gift horse in the mouth (I've never been sure what that one means - I've been waiting for that gift horse since I was five).

Like all well-worn cliches, there's an element of truth to these and they can apply even to the vexing issue of re-gifting presents you have received to others - a dilemma that many of us will face over the coming weeks.

MORE CHRISTMAS TIPS: See Weekend A Plus in The Weekend Australian tomorrow.

Can you re-gift something that you don't like/don't need/don't fit or just don't want? Most etiquette books would tell you this is a no-no.

I, on the other hand, think it's perfectly acceptable so long as you obey the rules so that no one gets hurt. So let's look at this vexing issue cliche by cliche.

It's better to give than receive: This is absolutely true. But occasionally, especially at this time of year, you can find yourself running late for a party or invited at the last minute or you've just totally forgotten about it and you haven't had time to get a little hostess gift for those throwing the party. Taking a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer is not a gift - that's just what civilised people do. It's the festive season so you need a small token in appreciation of the effort the party throwers are going to.

This is how I rationalise it: you need to take a gift, you don't have one and you don't have time to go out and get one. You look around the house to see if there's anything you can part with that would make a nice gift - it's the thought that counts after all - and so what if that perfect gift is something someone gave you? You own what you're re-gifting - it's yours to do whatever you want with after all.

I have a friend who actually has a cupboard in his house, which, strangely, seems to be filled with books and scented candles. I ask him what it is all about and he is very frank about it. "It's our re-gifting cupboard," he says. "You know, just because I don't like something doesn't mean someone else won't like it. And I don't like to throw things out," he tells me.

It's the thought that counts: True enough, but sometimes people just don't put a lot of thought into their gifts and suddenly you're stuck with more scented candles than you know what to do with and enough beach towels to last a lifetime. So what's wrong with giving one of those things to someone you think might actually like it?

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth: Remember to always be gracious in accepting a gift no matter how unwanted it may be. Part of being gracious is not hurting someone's feelings.

So when re-gifting, you need to make sure there is absolutely no chance that the person who gave it to you will ever find out. Always re-gift to someone completely unrelated. If there is any chance that the original giver will find out then you'll need to go shopping and find something else. Save that thing you don't want for re-gifting on another occasion. That re-gifting cupboard is starting to sound like a good idea!

It's also important to remember who gave you what. If you're the sort of person who receives a lot of gifts, or if you've recently been married and showered in all manner of household items then make a note of who gave you what. The only thing worse than the original gifter finding our that you re-gifted their gift is giving it back to them.

Back to my friend with the re-gifting cupboard. He gives me a word of caution about being such an organised re-gifter. "We never re-gift things that the kids were given," he says. "They're hopeless at it and blurt out that they were given it by so and so and they don't like it. The other kids don't seem to care but their parents start to question everything you've ever given them."

And that's the key to this issue. Go ahead and do it, just don't let on. You're not being deceitful, you're just avoiding hurting someone's feelings and, yes, making someone else very happy.

David Meagher is editor of The Australian's WISH magazine

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