To the batmobile! Introducing BMW’s maddest car yet – the XM Label Red Edition

The XM is the sort of car that inspires people to turn up on your doorstep and ask questions, such as ‘Have you gone mad?’ And yet also ‘Can you please take me for a ride?’

Stephen Corby

3 min read

12:00AMJuly 06, 2024

The Weekend Australian Magazine

It looks and feels stupid, but it’s also just hugely hilarious, particularly if you drive it the way you’d expect the owner of something like this to.

It’s not often in this job that I am genuinely surprised. When the steering wheel on a Jeep ceases to operate, or an Alfa Romeo catches fire, I’d call it alarming – but not exactly surprising. When an electric car offers gut-churning acceleration but only the same levels of driver involvement and adrenaline fizz as a very fast escalator, that is merely what I’ve come to expect.

Clearly confused by modern BMW nomenclature, I had assumed the XM Label Red Edition was going to be an electric vehicle, which might explain why its old-school gloriousness surprised me so intensely that my hair caught fire and my belly button instantaneously went from an inny to an outy.

This super-hybrid XM – a limited edition of only 500 will be built worldwide, and priced like a collectable at a whopping $349,900 – does have a battery and an electric motor. And when you start it up it immediately defaults to its whale-whispering setting, which genuinely no one ever will use to explore its theoretical EV-only range of 83km (don’t get me started on the even more absurd 1.78 litres per 100km fuel economy figure). That’s because it also has a twin-turbo V8, which, once you’ve pressed a few buttons and selected some of the more aggressive options, means it makes noises like a whole factory of EVs has been thrown into a volcano filled with dynamite.

Just 30 of these cars have been allocated to Australia.

And if you pull the left shift paddle (a thing of svelte carbon-fibre beauty) and hold it for a few seconds you can access Boost mode, which means the electric bits and the 4.4-litre V8 are smashed into a passionate and fiery embrace that produces a total output of 550kW and 1000Nm, enough to hurl this enormous hunk from a standstill to 100km/h in just 3.8 seconds.

To be honest, though, the way it accelerates is merely a side show compared to how hilariously loud and extreme the Label Red’s design is (yes, that is a funny name, but then Red Label was probably copyright protected and no one wants to think about drinking the kind of scotch that makes your tongue go numb when they’re driving).

With its riotous red highlights and narwhal nose, the XM made me think of action films, but also of the original, Adam West-era Batmobile. There is just so much going on design-wise with this car, from its extreme exterior to the toxic-waste orange air vents, red-and-blue-accented carbon bits and inexplicable 3D roof, complete with disco lighting effects.

Just 30 of these cars have been allocated to Australia, and yet the BMW staffer told me he’s seen a few already, adding: “That’s Sydney money for you.” It took me all of five seconds – from the moment the car pulled up outside the dealership and someone handed me the keys, to when I sat in the driver’s seat with my jaw hanging open, staring up at the truly weird roof – to decide that I was going to hate this car.

here is just so much going on design-wise with this car.

And yet the biggest surprise of all was that I kind of loved it, in the same that I love AC/DC and oversized bonfires, and America (which is more of an oversized bin fire). It looks and feels stupid, but it’s also just hugely hilarious, particularly if you drive it the way you’d expect the owner of something like this to.

The way it steers, accelerates, sounds and handles really does make it feel like a sports car that’s caught an unfortunate case of gigantism. Unfortunately, all of the good, amusing things about it are utterly undone by the ride quality, which is somewhere below abysmal.

The XM Label Red Edition really does ride like a train with square wheels and, as impressive as its 1500-watt Bowers and Wilkins stereo is, even turning it up to 14 can’t drown out the involuntary “Ooph” and “Urrgh” sounds from your passengers, usually followed by the question, “What the hell is wrong with this car?” Driving it over speed bumps is so physically jarring that I began planning my journeys to avoid them if at all possible, and wearing a mouthguard to avoid splitting my teeth when it wasn’t.

Unfortunately, all of the good, amusing things about it are utterly undone by the ride quality, which is somewhere below abysmal.

And that was with the suspension in something laughably called “Comfort” mode. Wick that setting up to Sport + and this bravura BMW feels like it is trying to reduce the number of vertebrae in your body.

The XM is the sort of car that inspires people to turn up on your doorstep and ask questions, such as “Have you gone mad?” And yet also “Can you please take me for a ride?” It is an event, and not only the most powerful BMW M car the company has ever produced, but the most stratospherically silly as well.

I would say that I can see why only 500 of these were built, because there can’t be that many people in the world willing to spend Ferrari dollars on a BMW SUV, but despite the truly awful ride, I must admit that some small, stupid part of me didn’t want to give this one back.