The vanguard in Audi’s rush towards an electric future

Audi’s first full EV, simply called the E-Tron. Picture: Supplied

It is offensively obvious that no one in the car industry reads this column, because if they did they surely would have stopped making cars that annoy me some time ago, but I’m making this plaintive plea anyway, in the hope that someone tells them about it: please, please stop launching your new vehicles in Victoria.

Before I offend a quarter of the country’s population, let me just say that it’s a beautiful place (other than Melbourne, obviously) and that I’m fond of its wineries, Phillip Island, and the people, generally. But inviting the media to drive a new car on its roads is like launching a churrasco chain in a vegan’s fridge, or hosting a Mensa meeting in Federal Parliament.

Years ago, there were roads in Victoria with 100km/h limits, but all the signs with that dangerous number written on them were melted, smelted and turned into speed cameras. And every time I’m forced to visit, the authorities have found new ways to further lower the limits, and raise my ire.

Car industry: please, please stop launching your new vehicles in Victoria. Picture: Supplied

On my recent visit to drive the dangerously fast new Audi Q8 E-Tron, I suffered a 4km stretch of slightly bumpy road, miles from anywhere, which had been reduced to 40km/h due to a “Rough Surface”. I call bullshit, because I have slept on carpeted bathroom floors in England that were rougher.

Speaking of things that are hard to explain, Audi’s first full EV, simply called the E-Tron, looked a lot like this Q8 version, and that’s because they’re basically the same car – only this one has a classier-sounding name, a few cosmetic buffs and bobs and a bigger battery, which, at 114kWh, is the largest fitted to any current production EV.

At 114kWh, the E-Tron’s battery is the largest fitted to any current production EV. Picture Supplied

All that power led to reports that the Q8 E-Tron would offer a range of up to 600km, and while trying to explain why the car now on sale in Australia will officially get you only 454km, Audi’s spokespeople revealed it now uses something called the WLTP measurement of efficiency, and that some of the testing for that figure involves driving cars at (speaker lowers voice to frightened whisper, in case there are Victorian Police nearby)… one hundred AND THIRTY kilometres an hour. That is, of course, a speed that many sensible countries allow, but Audi seemed to be arguing that because no one would be so rash as to try it here, the Q8 E-Tron might actually go further than 454km, which it called a “worst-case” figure. (More exciting figures are its 300kW, 664Nm and a 0-to-100km/h sprint of 5.6 seconds.)

After two days of driving this comfortable, smooth and quiet SUV on dull roads, my estimate is that 450km is pretty accurate. This raises some questions, because you’re being asked to buy what feels like a vehicle built for long family journeys in a country where doing so could prove logistically challenging.

And yet, on the other hand, most people who buy this vehicle would most often use it for short trips around town, and would, once they’d handed over their $153,900 (or $165,900 for the sleeker Sportback version) be able to do so largely for free. That’s because this E-Tron comes with six years of free charging on the Chargefox network, anywhere in the country, plus the installation of a free charger at your house (hook it up to solar panels and that electricity can be free, too), and six years of free roadside assistance and scheduled servicing (though, thanks to the simplicity of EVs, you only need to get it serviced every 24 months).

This E-Tron comes with six years of free charging on the Chargefox network. Picture: Supplied

This might seem hugely generous of Audi, but you have to keep in mind that the company desperately needs its customers to invest in an EV future, because it is going to stop making cars with combustion engines in 2026, and will sell only electric vehicles by 2030.

Aside from the range issue, you really aren’t missing out on anything in terms of the premium German driving experience. The Q8 E-Tron offers serious thrust – enough to get you drawn and quartered in Victoria – and has had its steering tickled to the point where it provides solid feel and feedback, a positive shift away from the company’s often too-light tillers.

It also looks quite handsome, for an SUV, as long as you don’t option the Virtual Mirrors, which look like a robotic bird’s broken wing. Designed to reduce drag and thus increase range, these nubby cameras replace actual, useful mirrors and send video images to a screen inside the car, where your eyes can’t get used to looking. Sure, you might adapt to the tech, but I’d wager it would be take about as long as getting used to replacing my nose with one of my ears. Every time you make the automatic glance towards where the side mirror should be and get a little robotic middle finger instead, it makes your brain hurt and, frankly, creates a moment of unsafe uncertainty. Using them to reverse-park is for masochists only, so thank goodness they are optional.

Another thing that should be optional is visiting Victoria to do my job, but until it is I shall continue screaming into the void.