Tesla Cybertruck review: initially daunting this thing is at times a work of genius

Tesla has issued a recall on every Cybertruck it has made - but not before we put this gloriously villainous and at times, genius, machine through its paces. FULL REVIEW

You really can enjoy cornering in this thing, and its sportiness, particularly for what is a weird-looking pick-up truck with off-roading ability. Photo: Supplied

Stephen Corby

4 min read

11:58AMApril 22, 2024.

Updated 2:49PMApril 22, 2024

The Weekend Australian Magazine

I find it deliciously interesting to ponder whether, if he’d existed at different times in history, Elon Musk would have been burned at the stake, stoned to death or – and this probably seems most apt to his devoted followers – crucified.

Of course, his haters in prehistory wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the rich irony of using the flamethrower that Musk himself sold 20,000 units of online, despite wide and wise criticism, to light the pyre.

I thought of Musk often while wrestling with the wildly unsettling experience of driving his Tesla Cybertruck around LA (shouted comments from colourful locals included “Dat’s a purrrty puppy”,“are you Elon’s brother?”, and “I thought we’d been invaded by aliens already”). Because this villainous vehicle is the kind of machine that could only have sprung forth from a brain that thinks flamethrowers are funny.

I must admit, right up until I climbed into it, I didn’t quite believe the Cybertruck was real, or that it could possibly be street legal (I was unaware that Kim Kardashian regularly posts picture of herself driving one, because I don’t know who she is).

I must admit, right up until I climbed into it, I didn’t quite believe the Cybertruck was real. Photo: Supplied

Climb inside and you are confronted with the kind of view you’d expect from a heavily armoured vehicle. Photo: Supplied

Not only is it 5.68m long and 2m wide, but it weighs 3.1 tonnes, and it is made of stainless steel, which means it has no round surfaces, but plenty of sharp ones – you could remove your hand, or Elon’s come to think of it, with a carefully timed slam of its frunk. It looks so enormously weird and angular when you stand before it, particularly when it’s jacked up to its maximum off-roading height of 43cm, that you wouldn’t be surprised if they told you the wheels were square (even the steering wheel is not round, it’s just a yoke).

It is not in any way pretty, indeed it looks like the result of a massive accident in a fridge-manufacturing plant, but it does have an undeniable presence. And while the stainless steel bounces sunlight alluringly, it is also constantly covered in fingerprint marks.

Climb inside and you are confronted with the kind of view you’d expect from a heavily armoured vehicle, with vast and bothersome A-pillars and a windscreen that ends so far away you could recline on top of the dash (it has a Sleep mode; the battery can run the aircon for you overnight, just in case you’ve sold your house to buy one of these $US81,895 to $US101,985 monsters).

Before being allowed to drive it, we were warned that the steering would freak us out because this is the first vehicle ever to use steer-by-wire technology (it’s very popular on fighter jets). This allows Tesla to provide a steering system with less than one turn, lock to lock, and one that, in parking situations, can turn the rear wheels noticeably in the opposite direction to the front ones. As a result, despite being the size of a football field, the Cybertruck has the same turning circle as a Tesla Model S. It’s still not much fun to reverse park, however, because the rear-vision mirror is rubbish.

The Cybertruck’s real party trick, however, is its titanic amounts of thrust. Photo: Supplied

While it is initially daunting, because you want to turn your hands more than you need to, the steering is a work of genius, because it somehow shrinks the Cybertruck, making it feel darty and deft. Through faster bends, the turn-in is super sharp. You really can enjoy cornering in this thing, and its sportiness, particularly for what is a weird-looking pick-up truck with off-roading ability, is aided by a chassis that’s literally a block of steel.

The Cybertruck’s real party trick, however, is its titanic amounts of thrust (just try and imagine what 13959Nm of torque feels like), thanks to the fitting of a truly enormous battery (which also gives it a highly theoretical range of 547km, which would no doubt be hugely reduced if you dared to test its claimed towing capacity of 4990kg).

There is perhaps no better example of Musk’s approach to doing stupid things – yes, it is possible to make a Cybertruck that will go from 0 to 100km/h in 2.7 seconds, but that doesn’t mean you should do it. In the real world, applying that kind of acceleration to something that weighs more than three tonnes is like applying rollerskates to an elephant, amusing at first and then terrifying. There’s a sense of mass defying gravity, a moment of wild elation and then you are hit with the frightening certainty that all this metal surely isn’t going to be able to slow down.

Tesla also claims that its acoustic glass, which is so strong it can allegedly survive the impact of a baseball at 112km/h (yes, but could it handle a cricket ball?), makes the cabin “as quiet as outer space”.

Incredibly, there is huge demand (two million alleged pre-orders), and that includes Australia. Tesla says it is keen to get it on sale here, but looking at that bluff, brutal front end I have some serious questions about pedestrian-safety standards. So if you really want the equivalent of a flamethrower on wheels, I’d prefer it you moved to America and bought one there.