Mercedes-Benz S 450 L 4Matic: it’s like a luxury spa on wheels

Fancy a hot-stone massage while you’re driving? It’s just one way in which this new Mercedes-Benz S Class goes above and beyond.

Touchy-feely: the Mercedes-Benz S 450 L 4Matic

The list of things I’ve found soul-crushing about lockdown would stretch from Sydney to the border of the nearest Covid-free state, and includes simple problems such as not being allowed within 200km of my parents, being banned from visiting the office I rent largely so I can talk twaddle with colleagues, the longing for tap beer (I think that one hurts the most) and not having a government smart enough to have vaccines on tap months ago.

Much, much further down the list is the absence of hot-stone massages – so far down, in fact, that I didn’t know I was missing them until I discovered that the truly staggering seats in the Mercedes-Benz S Class could give me one (actually two – there’s a hot-stone back massage and a shoulder one).

I did enjoy answering the phone while driving and responding to “how are you?” inquiries with a slightly aroused-sounding: “I’m great, you’ve just caught me having a hot-stone massage.” My favourite response to this was from a Queensland caller: “That’s so Sydney of you.” Some people were shocked because I’d bothered to answer the phone while apparently half naked, but to a person they were more shocked when I told them a car could do that for you.

Deluxe: the interior

Apparently the S Class seats each have 19 motors delivering “energising seat kinetics” that involve small changes in the angles of the seat surface and the tension of the backrest to improve your circulation, plus four vibration motors that can be used to create the sensation that you’ve accidentally sat down on your Christmas present and inadvertently discovered it’s a sex toy.

You can also hook up your “wearable” to the S Class so that it knows whether you’ve had enough sleep, whether you’re stressed, etc, and can suggest “an appropriate fitness or wellness program based on vehicle and trip data”, while displaying your heart rate on the dash. There’s also an “active workout cushion” and a setting that helps you recover from a tough gym workout. (I’m sure the big Benz can also sense your mood and adjust the music appropriately, because I kept getting pan-pipe versions of My Heart Will Go On and Enya songs).

And did I mention it has hot-stone massage? Could I focus this entire review on the seats? Yes. And was I strangely tempted to cut them open, just to see what black magic is contained within? Yes again.

The seats are a little problematic for your driving, though; I found that I’d become the kind of slow driver I usually despise, because I was so entirely blissed out I refused to be hurried. Indeed, I found it difficult to drive any faster than 40km/h. In my defence, I was also distracted by all the incredible screen wizardry, including a 3D function that turned the digital maps on the dashboard into the kind of deeply engaging graphics you’d normally need silly red and green glasses for.

From the front

Every time I rang the bloke from Benz to ask him how something worked he’d tell me about something else to play with, like the Augmented Reality HUD, which displays animated directional arrows overlaid on the road, with a three-dimensional sense of depth perception. (That’s a $2900 option, by the way, one of the many, including the $11K Energizing Package that took the price of our car from the standard $264,900 to $301,800.)

With all these fabulous distractions, it might be better if the S Class, which is traditionally the tech showcase for the whole Mercedes brand, could drive itself. Sure enough, an autonomous Drive Pilot system offering “on-ramp to off-ramp” hands-free motorway travel will be available in some countries in 2023.

... and the rear

Fortunately, driving this model – the long-wheelbase S 450 L 4Matic version of the S Class – is effortless, particularly for something so hefty and luxurious, a sensation helped by the fact that the suspension seems to remove almost every sense that there are wheels and a road somewhere beneath you.

Power, should you wish to exceed 40km/h, is also ample, with a 3.0-litre turbocharged six-cylinder making 270kW and 500Nm, and no fewer than nine speeds on offer through the gearbox, with imperceptible shifts between each.

This is one of those rare cars where you look at the people in the rear seats with genuine envy, because the S Class really is such a lovely place to be (my children were more impressed with their individual TV screens than with the massage functions). I enjoyed it almost as much sitting in my driveway as I did on the road.

When we’re allowed to leave our suburbs again, I think I might get one of these and drive it to the nearest Covid-free state and back. Hopefully it’s Western Australia.

Mercedes-Benz S 450 L 4Matic

ENGINE: 3.0-litre twin-turbocharged straight six (270kW/500Nm). Average fuel 8.2 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: 9-speed automatic, all-wheel drive

PRICE: $264,900

STARS:★★★★