I never thought I’d say this, but this car is too fast

Perhaps the most shocking thing about this supercar-smashing sporty EV is the price, which feels at least $30,000 less than what Tesla could get away with charging for it.

This new and tormentingly overpowered electric rocket ship is simply too fast. Picture: Supplied

Television truly was abysmal when I was a child, and not only because it was black and white and you had to stand up to change channels, of which there were only two (I grew up in Canberra, which has only recently discovered rail travel and something called “bars”).

Starved of choice, I watched TV shows about heroic kangaroos, itinerant dogs and the California Highway Patrol. CHiPs, as the latter was known, was glamorous and alluring to a young boy living in a town that was basically a collection of paddocks covered in morning frost, and it featured a jut-chinned hero played by a heartthrob named Erik Estrada.

This might explain why, for a fleeting instant, I felt quite excited about being pulled over by a Californian police officer on a motorcycle, a mere three minutes into my first drive of the new Tesla Model 3 Performance.

I really should have just taken the rest of the day off, frankly, because I had instantly illuminated the most glaring issue with this new and tormentingly overpowered electric rocket ship – it is simply too fast.

Unsurprisingly, when I tried to explain to the policeman in the mirrored shades and CHiPs-era jodhpurs that my velocity was out of my control, that I had barely waved my foot in the direction of the throttle and that I’d not even yet engaged the car’s “Insane” mode, he was almost aggressively disinterested. Erik Estrada had so much more warmth in his heart. I’d also hoped the officer might be as excited to see this new Model 3 Performance – which was rumoured to be called the Tesla Ludicrous – as seemingly everyone else in LA was. It was so top secret and paparazzi-plagued that we were asked to take its snazzy Tesla car cover with us everywhere we went, and to put it on if we dared to stop. We were also told that if any “fans” approached, we were to politely discourage them from photographing it, or touching it. I felt a bit like I was being asked to ride a celebrity around town.

I was pulled over by a Californian police officer on a motorcycle a mere three minutes into my first drive of the new Tesla Model 3 Performance.

I realise that California and the US are two different countries, and that LA itself might well be from another planet, but it is truly striking just how many Teslas there are on this city’s roads now, and for many of those brand-worshipping buyers this new Performance model is the apotheosis of cool.

Tesla has offered this variant before, of course, but for the company’s engineers that one was much like Taylor Swift’s embarrassing early country period (if she’s not ashamed of it, she should be). They readily admit that the first Performance 3 was the best they could do at the time, that its ride was a bit “choppy”, that it looked too much like the basic versions and that the seats were four kinds of useless when it came to holding a driver in place while exploiting its impressive thrustiness.

Tesla’s stated aim was to give this car more than just ‘linear performance’.

This new version, however, is the Performance they always wanted to build, a variant designed to “unleash the full potential that was always inherent in the platform”, and one with enough styling tweaks, spoilers and fussy bits to delineate it visually from other Teslas. It benefits from all-new active suspension, which really does provide next-level ride quality and a mix of racy road-holding with day-to-day comfort on some of the world’s most turgid freeways. And it gets a totally new, fourth-generation motor on its rear axle, featuring some technology too dull to explain (go and Google “bar-winding motors” and try to stay awake, I dare you), which delivers a whopping amount of shove – like 373kW and 740Nm.

The Tesla Model 3 Performance gets a totally new, fourth-generation motor on its rear axle. Picture: Supplied

In “Insane” mode, the Model 3 Performance will teleport you from a standing start to 100km/h in three seconds, and teleporting is the only way to describe it: you are simply in one place, then a moment later you are in another, and the police are chasing you. This sounds fun, but Tesla’s stated aim was to give this car more than just “linear performance”; in other words, they’ve already proven that EVs can be very fast in a straight line, and now they want to be considered properly sporty in the twisty stuff. And this car really is impressive when you throw it at some bends; the only problem is (and I hesitate to say this as someone who quite likes madness and danger) that it’s too damn fast.

Perhaps the most shocking thing about this supercar-smashing sporty EV is the price, which, at just $80,900, feels at least $30,000 less than what they could get away with charging for it.

As my discussion of black and white TVs indicates, I am clearly very old, and perhaps I have lost the ability to adapt to new technologies, but the Tesla Model 3 Performance is, at least on first encounter, very close to too much car for me.

That personal failing aside, however, I am absolutely confident that Tesla fans are going to love it to bits.

Tesla Model 3 Performance

ENGINE: One induction motor on front axle, another permanent magnet synchronous motor at the rear (373kW/740Nm)

TRANSMISSION: One-speed automatic, all-wheel drive

EFFICIENCY: 16.5kWh per 100km

PRICE: $80,900

RATING: ★★★★