Ducati Monster SP review: Riding this bike, I came to hate myself

During a week with this ‘naked’ motorcycle, I was scared to ride it properly. There’s a good reason that Ferrari, Porsche et al don’t offer naked cars, and that’s because it is ugly. And stupid.

I found the Ducati Monster SP vastly intimidating to ride, which caused me to be very disappointed with myself, writes Stephen Corby. Picture: Supplied

If you’re a parent, or if you think back to your own childhood, you’ll be familiar with the admonition that goes: “I’m not angry with you, I’m just disappointed.” Sure, the first half of this sentence is usually a lie, but it needs to be there to add to the gut-punchline effectiveness of the second part.

Recently, I had to have this chat in the metaphorical mirror, as I found myself abandoning one of my lifelong dreams. Many moons ago, when I realised my life choices meant I would never be able to afford a Ferrari, a Porsche or a Central Park West address, I consoled myself with the thought that I might one day be able to buy at least the two-wheeled version of success.

In motorcycle world – a planet with a life expectancy of about 22, and thus a shrinkingly small population – a Ducati is the closest thing to a Ferrari: delectably noisy, overpriced, Italian, beautiful and filled with character (a pleasant way of saying “likely to break down”).

When I was young I really wanted a Ducati 916 and was infuriated by a colleague who not only had one but claimed that his wife let him park it in their bedroom (I, on the other hand, could not find a wife, perhaps because I brought up this 916-parking necessity on every first date).

I was unable to resist when Ducati offered to lend me its new Monster SP.

As you can imagine, then, I was unable to resist when Ducati offered to lend me a bike, its new Monster SP, for a week, even though it fell well short of my dream machine. The Monster is a “naked” motorcycle, meaning all the beautiful fairing you get on a proper bike is stripped away to reveal the oily bits beneath. There’s a good reason that Ferrari, Porsche et al do not offer naked cars with no panels, and that’s because it is ugly. And stupid.

Apparently the Monster does come with the option of a fly-screen, which sounds both amusing and like a wonderful idea. My mind is filled with stinging memories of copping flies to my face at speeds well in excess of 100km/h, which hurts, but not nearly as much as riding along with your mouth open and taking a filthy, poo-worshipping winged insect to the back of the throat before swallowing it, coughing, crying and damn near falling off your motorcycle. This genuinely happened to me more than once.

Apparently the Monster does come with the option of a fly-screen, which sounds both amusing and like a wonderful idea.

So, a fly-screen would be great, even if it would look awful, but it turns out that in a modern motorcycle context it doesn’t mean what I’d hoped; it simply refers to a very small and utterly pointless screen that won’t keep any flies off your face unless you ride the bike as though your spine has turned to jelly.

Speaking of which, it seems my spine has turned to jelly, which is to say that, even though this Monster SP only makes 82kW from its 937cc Testastretta V-twin engine (the Superleggera V4 I really wanted Ducati to lend me makes 165kW), I found it vastly intimidating to ride, which caused me to be very disappointed with myself.

Even though this Monster SP only makes 82kW from its 937cc Testastretta V-twin engine, it seems my spine has turned to jelly.

It turns out that I could still go fast in a straight line, but the ability to do the proper, vital part of motorcycling – leaning into corners at pace – seems to have slipped out with my youthful 32-inch waist and taken up residence elsewhere, perhaps in a younger man. Thanks to the unhelpful evil that is Google I was able to find many photos of actual motorcycle journalists “enjoying” the Monster by cranking it over so far that not only their knees but their elbows were scraping the ground. Oh but they looked fabulous.

While my recent experiences testing Harley-Davidsons allowed me to delude myself that a lack of ground clearance, rather than bravery, was the problem, the Monster offered no such excuses. It is sharp, willing and even eager to be hurled into bends, and the suspension set-up and overall feel and feedback of the bike are fabulous (although I found the seat height embarrassingly too high, forcing me to tippy-toe at the lights like an underdeveloped man-child).

The Ducati Monster SP is sharp, willing and even eager to be hurled into bend.

What I came to hate about myself over the week was how scared I was of riding it properly. I knew that inside me somewhere is a twentysomething man who would have wrung its neck and made the hills ring with my violent and vigorous war cries. And so, as you can imagine, in our last few days together I took the part of my brain marked “Caution” and threw it to the winds. I engaged the Ducati’s Sport mode (and I must say, the fact that bikes now have modes, and things like “wheelie control”, really did my head in at first) and forced myself to engage with the machine and not the fear.

I even tried using the Quick Shifter feature, which means you don’t have to use the clutch to go through the gears (it kind of takes the fun out of it, but does make you a bit quicker). Unfortunately, I still sucked quite badly, but I did at least enjoy myself. Not enough, I’m afraid, to pretend that I’m actually going to buy one, however. Heavy sigh.

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Ducati Monster SP

ENGINE: Testastretta V-twin 937cc (82kW/93Nm)
FUEL ECONOMY: 4.7 litres per 100km
TRANSMISSION: Six-speed with Quick Shift
PRICE: $23,200
RATING: Four stars out of five