PUMCINS sweet on success

YOU'VE heard of DINKs, yuppies and KIPPERS, now let me introduce you to the smashing PUMCINS.

Illustration: Tom Jellett

YOU'VE heard of DINKs (double income no kids), yuppies (young urban professionals) and KIPPERS (kids in parents' pockets eroding retirement savings), now let me introduce you to the smashing PUMCINS: professional urban middle-class in nice suburbs.

You would be surprised how prevalent PUMCINS are. Why, you could be part of the PUMCINS set and you may not even know it.

Try this test. Do you eat out at fashionable cafes? Yes. Would you describe yourself or your partner as a foodie? Yes. Have you been on a holiday to Noosa? Silly question. Of course. Do you secretly, or not so secretly, believe that you have some sort of affinity with the city of Paris? Yes. (Although having stayed there two nights on a 1980s Contiki tour is stretching the definition of affinity.) Go to your refrigerator and see if on the top shelf or perhaps in a door shelf there is some -- dead giveaway -- goat's cheese? Yes? Well, hello PUMCINS and welcome to the world of suburban aspirationalism.

If you have passed these tests then you will find the rest of my rules for admission to the Secret Society of PUMCINS a cinch.

Do you live in Sydney? Of course you do. Did you know that Sydney PUMCINS have a secret code? Yes, they do. That code is hidden in the way aspirants pronounce a particular suburb's name. You do realise I could be shot for divulging this information.

Keep this under your hat but aspirational Sydneysiders pronounce the suburb of Mosman as Mozz-munn. If you listen carefully you can hear a bumble-bee buzzing between the syllables of Mosman. At first I thought this was a Sydney peccadillo but then I heard similar in Melbourne. The bayside suburb of Brighton is pronounced by loyal Brightonians as Brah-ton. There is an aspirational ahhh that links the syllables of Brighton.

This brings me to Salt's Law of PUMCINS Pronunciation: the more fervently aspirational the PUMCINS the more pronounced is the Brighton ahh and the Mosman zzz. I suspect these vocal gymnastics are in fact part of a complex method of PUMCINS communication. If a suburban aspirant talks about Mozz-munn or Brah-ton in a public setting it is like a whistle set to a frequency that only other PUMCINS can hear. Soon enough all PUMCINS in the vicinity gather and chatter using their special language and eating their special food.

Did I mention the goat's cheese? Don't underestimate the goat's cheese factor. I suspect there is something in the suburban aspirant's physiology that craves goat's cheese. There are other rules, such as how you dress, which for men is straightforward enough: Polo, chinos and loafers. And please do not embarrass yourself by wearing a Bali knock-off Polo shirt.

Female PUMCINS can spot a fake Polo at 15m. Apparently it's in the stitching. The Italian loafers are interchangeable with boat shoes. No, you don't have to own a boat or even know how to sail. The idea is to swan around New South Head Road or Toorak Road looking just a little bit nautical.

Ahoy, PUMCINS. Do you have children? Really, three. Then get rid of one because PUMCINS only have two. And they are all doing so terribly, terribly well for themselves in terribly, terribly exotic locations in terribly, terribly important jobs. And, really, they'd love to come back to Australia but there's just nothing for them here.

Brilliant. You are now speaking fluent PUMCINS. In one fell swoop you have communicated to other suburban aspirants that you are so successful as a parent that you have catapulted your kid into the global economy. Welcome to the Australian PUMCINS patch.

Bernard Salt is a KPMG Partner.

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