Longtime rivals in residence

I HAVE had it up to here with Sydney. Sydney is the biggest. Sydney is the richest. Sydney is the prettiest. Sydney thinks it's oh so la-de-dah.

Krygsman

I HAVE had it up to here with Sydney. And its opera house and its harbour. Sydney is the biggest. Sydney is the richest. Sydney is the prettiest. Sydney thinks it's oh so la-de-dah.

Well it's not. What about Melbourne? Have you seen the Victorian Arts Centre spire? It glows at night. Ich bin ein Melburnian and I am mightily peeved with Sydney's ascension to cultural dominance over the Australian continent.

The Australian newspaper is headquartered in Sydney. And so is the ABC and the free-to-air and pay-TV channels.

Perhaps it's the Sydney-centricity of journalists that resulted in their soft questioning of John Howard when he relocated the prime minister's primary residence from Canberra to Kirribilli House in 1996. Sure there was the obligatory "why?" but once he got past the initial flurry of questions no one bothered to follow up.

We Melburnians suspect Sydney journalists agree with Sydneysider Paul Keating who is reported to have said: "If you're not living in Sydney you're camping out."

Well, Paul, not everyone wants to live in Sydney. In fact 18 million Australians out of a nation of 22 million choose not to live in Sydney. Although I know what Sydney's response would be: "Yeah, well, all that shows is that there are 18 million Australians who wish they could live in Sydney."

Do you want to know how Sydneysiders exercise cultural power? It's very subtle. They ask where you live and when you say Melbourne they say "Oh, well, if you moved to Sydney you'd be lucky to afford a shoebox in the eastern suburbs."

The cost of Sydney's unreal real estate is wielded like a weapon to the keep the colonials in their place. You see there is a price to pay to live in the kingdom of Sydney and only the chosen can afford it.

The Melburnians, the Brisbanites, the Adelaideans and the Perthlings are damned and destined to live on the edge of civilisation thousands of kilometres from Bondi. (Don't get me started on Bondi Rescue. Why not St Kilda Rescue? Port Phillip Bay can get very very choppy.)

I have news for you, Sydney. We Melburnians have taken note of every slight, of every act of Sydney supremacy, and we are plotting our revenge. Do you know what we are doing? That's right we are making a mental note. And we are giving you a "look". But do you know the worst aspect of the Sydney supremacy? It's the fact that Sydney doesn't even think about Melbourne.

Where do the insults end? First Sydney snares corporate headquarters, then the prime minister's residence, and now Sydney "doesn't even think about Melbourne".

As galling as it was to see the prime minister's residence quietly move to Sydney with the tacit approval of Sydney-based media, I can sort of reluctantly see why the prime minister would need a weekender.

The US president has Camp David. The British prime minister has Chequers. The Australian prime minister needs a retreat from the hurly-burly of the throbbing, pulsing metropolis of Canberra. And what better place to rest and recuperate than in a quiet country town like Sydney?

However what I cannot understand is why the governor-general also needs a weekender in Sydney. Admiralty House is next door to Kirribilli House. The prime minister and the governor-general can buddy up in Sin City to get away from it all.

Is the governor-general's job so onerous that he or she requires a permanent holiday house?

The reason why the governor-general has an official house in Sydney as well as Yarralumla is because between Federation and 1927, when parliament opened in Canberra, the prime minister lived in Melbourne and the governor-general lived in Sydney.

When the Melbourne-based prime minister relocated to Canberra do you know what slippery Sydney did? That's right. They dudded Melbourne by hanging on to the governor-general's residence.

Mental note, Sydney. Mental note.

Bernard Salt is a KPMG Partner.

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